Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please tell me honestly, am I being unreasonable here?

27 replies

PossiblyBeingUnreasonable · 17/04/2011 17:50

Name changed to protect those involved.

My DH is a psychologist specialising in family and couples therapy. A friend has just asked him for help. She's stuck in a horrendous relationship with both she and her DP drinking several bottles of wine a day and the police constantly involved between them, and all the NHS and Relate waiting lists are months long and she can't afford to pay privately. And they're TTC.

Usually, I don't mind DH helping friends out, especially in scenarios like this in which I am clearly out of my depth. But at a family barbeque five years ago, this friend got very drunk and pulled her cleavage out before asking if DH would be her 'sex therapist' (DH is not a sex therapist). The friend has no memory of the incident but refused to believe she could have acted as she did, claiming that everyone else made the whole thing up simply to humiliate her. So whereas, to be fair, she has been extremely careful around DH ever since, we have never quite managed to restore complete trust in one another.

Now, though, she's clearly desperate and in need of help which DH could probably provide. But AIBU in feeling very uncomfortable with the prospect?

OP posts:
msrisotto · 17/04/2011 17:52

Couldn't he refer her to a colleague of his?

Cattleprod · 17/04/2011 17:55

Is it not unethical to have a therapist/patient relationship between friends? Or would it just be informal advice?

It's really not a good idea for them to be ttc with all this going on. It will just add to the pressure. And why are they drinking so much if they want her to get pregnant?

TakeItOnTheChins · 17/04/2011 17:57

YANBU. She sounds like a nightmare.

slartybartfast · 17/04/2011 17:59

so you think she wants him as a SEX Therapist??
how does he feel about being theri therapist? is he going to do it?
i dont think he coudl anyway as he coudlnt be suitably disinterested.

slartybartfast · 17/04/2011 17:59

or rather couldnt be IMPARTIAL

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 18:01

Sounds like it could turn into a real nightmare. Does your DH have anyone else that could do it for him as a freebie if he offers to do the same in return one day?

RingEir · 17/04/2011 18:10

It sounds to me like you are being very fair and objective. This woman sounds like a loose cannon. It's obvious that she needs help, but taking into account the cleavage incident, she might well latch on to or become dependent on your husband in a way that is unhealthy. What about her partner? Would he be going for the therapy too? If your DH was seeing them as a couple, would that make you feel less uncomfortable? Although to be honest, from what you say, they should probably just break up. TTC in this situation is ridiculous.

YANBU in feeling uncomfortable, and I would be surprised if your DH doesn't feel the same.

racmac · 17/04/2011 18:32

I am a Solicitor and have a rule - NEVER EVER do work for someone you know - it will end in tears HTH

jojowest · 17/04/2011 18:36

cant afford private therapy but can afford several bottles of drink a day

hmmmm, tell her to get saving

Bogeyface · 17/04/2011 18:36

It doesnt matter what his job is, no one should ever work for friends, it always ends in tears!

It sounds like they need some serious help and that would be a big commitment on your DHs part. Also, if he says something that they dont like then there is a good chance that it will affect your friendship with them. Has he stated an opinion? Any counsellor or therapist worth their salt would say no.

zikes · 17/04/2011 18:42

No, he should refer her to a colleague: it's unprofessional and puts him in a vulnerable position to treat friends. That's completely aside from her drunken behaviour, which I think is irrelevant really against the larger issue.

AuraofDora · 17/04/2011 18:44

yes refer to colleague, it's professional
and quick

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 17/04/2011 18:46

agree that he should refer her to a colleague. It would be far simpler.

He could claim that it is against the rules and he could get into trouble for it, or something, if he wants to avoid her getting the arse on.

RudeEnglishLady · 17/04/2011 18:46

Could your DH even make a dent in the myriad of issues here? I think that if there was some sort of effort on the part of the couple to improve their situation it could possibly work but... drink/addiction, obviously in some massive denial if TTC, Police/violence/abuse..... it sounds like an absolute nightmare that could get completely out of control for you and your husband. So no, you are not being remotely unreasonable.

Original poster
PossiblyBeingUnreasonable · 17/04/2011 18:55

I share the cynicism about how they can afford the booze but not the therapy. And yes, I agree the trying for a baby to be terrifying :(

Thank you, though, for the reassurance that I'm not being entirely unreasonable. I think the way in which this friend wants help from DH but none of his colleagues (and I'm sure he could find someone willing to do reduced rates) is probably also very telling.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 17/04/2011 19:05
  1. He shouldn't work in a professional capacity for someone he knows socially.
  2. Your instincts should be listened to. At best she's a party girl, who went too far, at worse, she's a loose cannon.
  3. Their relationship isn't great - drinking heavily while trying to conceive, but that's for them to sort.

Trust your inner voice, it's there for a reason. YANBU! Get P to refer her on elsewhere, and wash your hands of it all.

RudeEnglishLady · 17/04/2011 19:08

Well, if she doesn't want help from another therapist I guess that tells you that her goal is not to get well but to get some sort of relationship with your DH. Whether its sexual or not is immaterial, its just wrong anyway.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 19:10

Oh - did you say she only wanted your DH? I must have missed that - then absolutely, definitely NO. End of.

AnotherMumOnHere · 17/04/2011 19:19

I would refer them both to Alcoholics Anonymous ........ not necessarily to go to the same meetings.

Its a free service so they cant say they cant afford it.

The people in AA are the salt of the earth and have experience in every walk of life (did I say that right?). There is always someone similar who has walked the same walk as them somewhere.

I dont mean to sound negative re professional help (which I am sure is fine too) but if they REALLY want help ................ AA could be the best step they have ever taken ........ even if they dont realise it in the beginning.

Original poster
PossiblyBeingUnreasonable · 17/04/2011 19:47

I'm sorry to be dripfeeding information here. It's just that I really cannot decide whether or not I'm being fair in inferring from friend's reluctance to see anyone but DH. Whereas I do suspect her motives, it is also the case that DH has more experience in working with men from her DP's ethnic group than his (mostly female, mostly white) colleagues, and I suspect that her DP would find it easier to work with DH for that reason.

I do agree, though, about AA - it sounds to me ideal. Unfortunately the friend won't even consider it as they apparently keep telling her she's an alcoholic and needs to split up with her DP. Even though I'm sure DH would say the same.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 17/04/2011 19:58

So she's wanting to see a therapist who'll tell her what she wants to hear?

I don't think he should work with her. She's a family friend and has made a pass at her. The fact she won't take this on board is worrying, I think. Does she really think everyone would make that up?

He should recommend a colleague and leave it at that.

ItDoesntBodenWell · 17/04/2011 20:02

No good can come of your DH treating this couple.

HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 20:14

Your DH needs to tell her NO, conflict of interest, and give her a list of numbers.

he needs to have zero part in any of this, it WILL end in tears.

Trust you instinct

Bogeyface · 17/04/2011 20:17

The more you post the worse it gets!

The second, the absolute nanosecond your DH says anything she doesnt want to hear then it will all kick off. And thats not even taking into account the fact that she has already tried it on with him! So she doesnt want to be told that she is drinking too much and in an unhealthy relationship, what DOES she want?!

What is your DHs opinion?

Bogeyface · 17/04/2011 20:18

Oh and also, why the hell are they still friends of yours if she made a pass at your husband and they are violent alcoholics?!