little white lies

grassyarsesenor · 2011-04-17T12:28:42+00:00

so innocuous they (should) mean nothing but dh uses them constantly to avoid 'confrontation' which generally means a frank discussion on an uncomfortable topic. Some background: early in our relationship I foolishly showed insecurity wen regularly confronted by photos or evidence of contact with his generally beautiful & successful ex GFs. I sometimes nagged & complained wen really should have kept cool... Because he is pretty demonstrative emotionally he handled this by retreating to secrecy & dishonesty. anyway I tried to not sweat the small stuff & try to ignore most pointless lies but it gets frustrating & tedious & makes me doubt him even wen its silly stuff. The latest was wen we were sorting out our old books etc. He had a very cute, jokey sex manual from the 70s, the kind of thing I'd buy him as a cool, fun present. I asked where he got it, he replied oh it was MIL! Now if u met MIL you'd know why that was a ridiculous comment. Anyway I knew he was lying as she is a prude & her presents are generally kitchen utensils or ornaments. I just ignored it and then a few days later couldn't see book on the shelf (we'd bought a bookshelf & I was tasked with rearranging all our tomes) I asked where it was and he said he'd accidentally taken it to the tip... we never tip things like that, normally have a charity or car boot bag. I know it's petty but I know him & he definitely lied about this. We've had umpteen discussions about pointless lies & how it makes me insecure about the bigger things. shall I just ignore it as usual? I bottle it up and then upset myself feeling our relationship is not open. Or do I confront him risking a petty argument about an old second hand book? Thanks for your patience!

textualhealing · 17/04/2011 13:57

I don't think you are being petty. Trust is breached whether the lies are huge or small and this is feeding some of your feelings of insecurity. I had one like you and the times we argued over his silly lies where the truth was completely innocent. I've also got one in my team at the moment and I can tell from a mile off that she is lying.

I don't know what you do about this as I suspect the "minor" nature of the lies is actualy causing quite a chasm between you both.

Just wanted to say this and I hope someone can give you some helpful advice.

HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 13:58

Leave it, he realises it's going to bother you and has binned it.. the lies are not seemingly malicious, he seems to be trying to protect your feelings somehow.

You need to work on YOUR trust of him, YOUR confidence and insecurities.

leavesleaves · 17/04/2011 14:11

I think you'd have more to worry about if it turned out he'd stashed the book somewhere so as to be able to cling to his sessy memories of some XGF. As long as he's not living in the past WRT to some woman / women I wouldn't worry about that aspect of it. His little white lies would annoy me too but sometimes it's just best not to let yourself go there about your partner's past . . . everyone has a past, after all.

Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 17/04/2011 14:23

thanks for the lovely replies. I think there is definitely some element of living in the past: when my suspicious mind pushes me to snoop I generally find things like he has been googling exes, sometimes the same ones a few times. I know lots of people who do this but it bothers me a bit, and the fact he has a big stash of love letters from every single ex ever! This is supposedly a secret but my destructive curiosity got the better of me! He is generally very nostalgic, about our town, previous homes, music etc so that could be an extension of his general wallowing in the past! There have been bigger issues to do with his sex drive (lack thereof) & porn use featuring much younger girls. After me freaking out about the porn he is much more cautious now & I guess I'm still ultra paranoid. I have negative influences from my own childhood where pedophiles featured quite heavily & I sometimes doubt my own fears about these things. I was also forced to snoop through bins of my mum's boyfriends as a child, looking for evidence of cheating and pedophilia so my memories do influence my thoughts & behaviours now...

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ShirleyKnot · 17/04/2011 14:38

Uh oh. The porn thing...how young are we talking?

Sugarfreetea · 17/04/2011 14:58

what a horrible dilemma to be in.

You have some insecurities about H's penchant for hanging on to memorabilia of old gf's and his porn use - I'm not surprised. These are inflamed by his use of dishonesty as a means to protect himself.

You then feel compelled to use a kind of deceit to search for even more evidence of his. You then bottle it all up and feel upset that your relationship is based, at least in part, on lies.

These are not petty lies, OP. They are not petty because you have been unable to ignore their impact on you. They are not petty because they prevent emotional closeness between you and your H. They are not petty and they are not about an old book - they are about the fundamental requirements of any loving relationship - honesty, mutual respect and a genuine desire for the other's well-being.

You have choices here. You can continue to live like this, insecure, suspicious and, I suspect, feeling ashamed of what you are driven to do to keep on the same page as him. You can confront the issue of his dishonesty head-on and risk the unknown. You can (if you haven't already) get yourself a good therapist and explore what you might be re-living in this relationship which seems so resonant of your childhood experiences.

You don't have to put up with this OP. You are not paranoid you are rightly and justifiably hurt and dismayed by your H's behaviour. I don't know anyone (myself included and i'm pretty broadminded) who wouldn't react in a similar way to you.

i really feel for you. I hope this helps.

Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 17/04/2011 21:23

thanks for your kind & thoughtful replies. yes I do have massive issues which have been visited in counseling several times over the years. Practitioner approaches seem to mainly focus on working on my responses to things that happen in the present rather than constantly dredging up my past, so it feels as though it's never been dealt with.
With regard to the porn I have only found scant evidence once of a search with young in the search bar, but he insists that no one wants to look @ older women to fantasise & most mags, 'glamour' models etc are young eg late teens early 20s which of course I know is true & my own issues cloud my judgement, not knowing if he's being reasonable or if I have reason to panic. I have asked if we can go to relate together as I don't feel it's resolved but him being so private and undemonstrative is not keen at all. All his family is like this, there is a lot of them biting their tongues, not saying what they mean and putting a brave face on everything which is not my style at all, and leaves us at an impasse when it comes to thorny issues.

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Wisedupwoman · 18/04/2011 20:22

Does it sit easy with you that H searched for porn? Of any kind?

And when you say H is more cautious now, do you mean that he's got better at deleting his website history? I wonder what it is you are looking for and are at the same time so frightened of finding.

There is a view in the therapy world (not mine necessarily and i don't speak as a therapist here) that if we don't properly process early very negative or abusive life experiences we just go on and on repeating them in other relationships. Could this be the case here, do you think?

If you are feeling that the therapy you are getting is not touching what is important to you, then it may be that you need something which goes a bit further. IMHO you can't change the past OP but you can change your relationship to it so that it doesn't define who you are now.

It's so sad that you talk about yourself in such negative terms. I'm sending big hugs to you.

RumourOfAHurricane · 18/04/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 18/04/2011 21:39

porn doesn't really bother me, I have enjoyed on my own & with other people, its the secrecy & lying that distresses me. And of course the word 'young' that upset/confused me.

I wouldn't have freaked out if he'd just said 'the book was from delilah', we've looked through old pics together & there are plenty of exes in them, I was pretty cool about that. What started his secrecy was when I got sick of everytime the pc was switched on it wouldn't be long before an app opened up pics of a particular ex (too technical to go into now but suffice to say it was nearly every day, loads of her alone & them together) there was another ex who lives her life publicly online & he was always reading about her, looking at her pics etc these 2 things really hacked me off & in the end I flipped. It was from then he just carried on as normal but tried to hide things from me.

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Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 18/04/2011 21:43

porn doesn't really bother me, I have enjoyed on my own & with other people, its the secrecy & lying that distresses me. And of course the word 'young' that upset/confused me.

I wouldn't have freaked out if he'd just said 'the book was from delilah', we've looked through old pics together & there are plenty of exes in them, I was pretty cool about that. What started his secrecy was when I got sick of everytime the pc was switched on it wouldn't be long before an app opened up pics of a particular ex (too technical to go into now but suffice to say it was nearly every day, loads of her alone & them together) there was another ex who lives her life publicly online & he was always reading about her, looking at her pics etc these 2 things really hacked me off & in the end I flipped. It was from then he just carried on as normal but tried to hide things from me.

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Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 18/04/2011 21:46

porn doesn't really bother me, I have enjoyed on my own & with other people, its the secrecy & lying that distresses me. And of course the word 'young' that upset/confused me.

I wouldn't have freaked out if he'd just said 'the book was from delilah', we've looked through old pics together & there are plenty of exes in them, I was pretty cool about that. What started his secrecy was when I got sick of everytime the pc was switched on it wouldn't be long before an app opened up pics of a particular ex (too technical to go into now but suffice to say it was nearly every day, loads of her alone & them together) there was another ex who lives her life publicly online & he was always reading about her, looking at her pics etc these 2 things really hacked me off & in the end I flipped. It was from then he just carried on as normal but tried to hide things from me.

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Diggs · 18/04/2011 22:20

That is really , really disrespectfull of him Op .

Why was he spending his time doing this , presumably in full veiw of you ? Its not normal to follow exes via the internet when your married . He sounds like an attention seeking teenager who enjoys pissing you off.

Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 19/04/2011 14:58

I don't think he is attention seeking in that way, he started off being semi open with me then when I made a fuss about things he started keeping secrets. he wasn't following exes in full view of me exactly he'd say 'oh I read so & so's update, saw her latest pics etc.' & the photos thing was not him looking at them dreamily in front of me it was more that lots of his apps featured his full photo library or random clips & a disproportionate amount of them were of a long relationship with another ex . Then there were exes on FB & lots of v pretty girls (friends/acquaintances) with modelling shots. Just lots of little things & he was working away so wen new girls appeared my mind was in overdrive!
The porn thing was weird as he is not the most adventurous in bed, I was always trying to find out what 'got him going' as my sex drive (then) was much higher than his. He said he used porn in the past but had no need to now with me. So it was a slap in the face that he didn't want sex as much as me but had actually been using porn instead! he said he has always been uncomfortable talking about things like that & found my openness too challenging, plus he wanted our romance to be 'like a fairytail' so didn't want me to know he jacks off at a computer screen like a sad act. Even though he knew I used porn especially when he was away! .

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Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 19/04/2011 15:02

woops: fairytale

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Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 19/04/2011 15:05

I don't think he is attention seeking in that way, he started off being semi open with me then when I made a fuss about things he started keeping secrets. he wasn't following exes in full view of me exactly he'd say 'oh I read so & so's update, saw her latest pics etc.' & the photos thing was not him looking at them dreamily in front of me it was more that lots of his apps featured his full photo library or random clips & a disproportionate amount of them were of a long relationship with another ex . Then there were exes on FB & lots of v pretty girls (friends/acquaintances) with modelling shots. Just lots of little things & he was working away so wen new girls appeared my mind was in overdrive!
The porn thing was weird as he is not the most adventurous in bed, I was always trying to find out what 'got him going' as my sex drive (then) was much higher than his. He said he used porn in the past but had no need to now with me. So it was a slap in the face that he didn't want sex as much as me but had actually been using porn instead! he said he has always been uncomfortable talking about things like that & found my openness too challenging, plus he wanted our romance to be 'like a fairytail' so didn't want me to know he jacks off at a computer screen like a sad act. Even though he knew I used porn especially when he was away! .

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FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 15:32

He lies because of the way YOU are. He feels that you cannot handle the truth, this is to do with both of you not just him.

He has previously told you the truth and you can't handle it.

It is something you need to address moreso than him, as he cannot feel he can tell you the truth because of your reactions.

Snooping through his stuff is way over the top, he is allowed private things, but to be honest once married he should get rid of the love letters from the past not keep them.

This isn't just about him telling little white lies, this is about you too.

Original poster

grassyarsesenor · 19/04/2011 16:48

hi fabby yes I know that a lot of it's about me. Sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees, which is why I made the original post (& subsequent repeat postings due to dodgy web connection)
If I talk to my own friends/family, they naturally say what I want to hear, therefore I posted to a wider circle to invite responses from an impartial group. It's hard for me to separate my kneejerk responses from what's really going on, so I thought I'd hold back & see what others say and think.

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