DH's selective memory of events is making me really annoyed

[Makudonarudo]

Last night we were talking about my wanting another child (he had a vasectomy after our last DC, now 4). He always says "but you can't have any more children", and I was trying to explain that that wasn't how it is in my head - I can, but not with him, and I don't want a child so much that I'd break up our relationship. I said "it was a mutual decision to have children, but only your decision that there would be no more children - you've had the vasectomy and you've said no to adoption and fostering. So it's an absolute for you, but emotionally it's not for me".

He said "it wasn't a mutual decision to have the DCs, it was all you". He's said stuff like that in the past. I pointed out that he was an active particpant in sex without contraception having agreed to try for a baby, and that he'd handheld me through three miscarriages, so it's not like he could claim that the DCs were in any way a surprise. But in his head, that's what they were. His version of events (which he accepted didn't make sense), was that I just got pregnant with DC1, and DC2 just happened along afterwards.

He had no memory of the hours and hours and hours of discussion we had about it all, and while he could remember the miscarriages and even the genetics appointments (miscarriages predated DCs), somehow in his head he never wanted children per se, I magically aquired them and he "went along with it".

He was like that with our wedding, too - "it's Maku's wedding, I'm just turning up when she tells me to", which was really gutting for me as it felt like he thought (and wanted others to think), I was forcing him down the aisle. It took a lot of the enjoyment out of it for me, yet when I told him I really didn't care about a wedding and said I was happy to cancel the whole thing or scale it back massively he got really angry with me - he didn't want the responsibility for my unhappiness, either. It's the same with my broodiness - he won't acknowledge my feelings at all other than to dismiss them.

He loved the wedding (far more than I did actually, but I guess he hadn't had any stress about it), and he loves the DCs but in his mind I chose to have them and he had nothing to do with it.

It is really, really upsetting me. Regardless of the fact that, when pushed (as I did yesterday), he'll accept he's got it wrong, his core belief is still that I wanted to get married, I had the DCs and he was just pulled along in my wake. I hate that he has that image of me, it feels like a really unhealthy one. In reality he is the driving force - we've relocated twice because of his work, his preferences carry the day.

I'm desperate to please him, always (he's really laid back and rarely praises or criticises), and I think this fiction that I've dragged him into a life he wouldn't necessarily have chosen is why. But he persued me relentlessly, he proposed, he said "we'll try again" after every m/c, he said "I think if we're going to have another baby we should start trying soon".

I just don't understand this fiction of passivity and it's making me a bit cross, now. Perhaps it's because he didn't want to do any of that stuff? Perhaps he was trying to make me happy and resents me for not being grateful? Perhaps he misses the childfree life and this is a way of pretending he didn't choose to leave it behind?

I don't know whether I should push with this or not. I can't see that it would do any good but I hate that his understanding of our family life is so warped. It makes me feel like he doesn't know me at all - or care to.

Cinnabar that is really interesting, thankyou. Gives me an insight into how it might be for DH. He certainly doesn't seem to have much emotional memory in the way I understand it - he doesn't relive very much at all nor is he ever paralysed with guilt/feel awful for someone else/imagine how they are feeling/etc. Not saying that describes you of course!

Cinnabar hmm, I don't think he would ever accept there is a problem outside of my being upset (though he does think me being upset is a problem). This thread has made me determined to actually sort out some counselling though - for me if not for H.

Cinnarbar - as it happens my DH has a terrible memory for certain things, but he admits this and won't blindly argue he is right if we remember things differently.
The memory thing in itself isn't a problem, it's the manner in which it is dealt with can cause problems.
(incidentally he has the best memory of anyone i've ever met for other things - he can quote history from a book he read years ago!)

maku - will read further into gaslighting. My relationship with my ex was never what i would consider toxic, he's generally a nice person, but being detached from it all now I can see there were many behaviours that I don't think he did deliberately - he was just very insecure and child-like at times.

Exactly - it's not the (lack of) memory, it's how you react. DP helps because by being a good, decent man I trust him not to use my poor memory against me. If he says we spoke at length last year about X then I know we did, even if I don't remember!

FWIW, I have an off-the-scale good short term memory. I sometimes wonder if my brain is so full up with the present and thoughts of the future that it doesn't have enough space left for the past.

I am emotionally literate and empathetic in real time. But the memory very quickly starts to fade and then sometimes even disappears.

Luckily H will acknowledge his memory is crap and defer to my recollections. Though I do feel a bit burdened with being the official memory of the family IYKWIM. And I've sometimes had to remind H about bad things which have happened - I feel a bit like that scene in The Devil Wears Prada, someone will walk towards us and I'll have to hiss a quick synopsis so H knows who they are! It's usually fine/funny though.

H is also fine with emotions/affection/etc in the moment. But if I get upset about something in the past he just doesn't get it. Interesting to read your posts Cinnabar. And spot on that it's the attitude not the lack of memory, queen.

What I don't know is whether it's possible to improve my memory. It's never been a big enough deal for me to investigate, although I would happily do so if DP asked. My suspicion is that it's too intrinsic in the way my brain is wired to change, but I have no proof of that.

I'll butt out now because it's not my thread. Good luck with your DH. Maybe he's nothing like me at all and it can be sorted easily. I guess i just want you to know it's just possible that he can't do very much to help himself, other than learn to adapt his responses.

I think getting counselling for yourself is a good idea as it will help you to sort out ways of compromising with your H ie that he doesn't keep on inisisting that things are true when they are not, or that you just say 'You;re doing it again' when he does it or some such. You can't make another person change his/her behaviour, but you can change how you deal with it.

SGB - wise words indeed.

How old was your DH when his father died, Maku?

There is some evidence to suggest that emotional development can be halted or disrupted by the early loss of a parent and to me it does sound a bit like your DH is reacting to life like a child. He is refusing to take responsibility on adult terms for things which he clearly was party to.

On that basis I am not sure he will change, he probably can't but as SGB says, the solution to feeling better about this is for you to learn how to deal with it and change your reaction. Once again the responsibility lies with you which probably seems unfair but you might have to come to terms with the fact that you are the only adult in the relationship in some respects.

He was in his 20s when his father died, but his father wasn't really around throughout his life. He was already cheating on people before his father died.

I think his refusal to take responsibility (even a 'sorry you're upset'), is something very deep-seated. I would love to care less about it and I think counselling is a must now. We talked a little more today and when I said how upsetting and frustrating it was when he said things which weren't true, he said "I won't say them then" - I said I cared about what he thought, and he just snorted. So, that seems to make sense before I get eaten away by resentment!