Has anyone separated but stayed in the same house? (hopefull short term)

[LouMacca]

I took the decision this week that our marriage is over. To the outside world we have a wonderful marriage (we have two fantastic children and a lovely home) mainly because I have lived a lie for the past couple of years and made out to family and friends that all is well.

Behind closed doors my H is cold, detached and verbally abusive. He often tells me to shut up (is this normal in a marriage?) and often completely ignores me. He is the main bread winner and I am a SAHM with a part-time job (work from home for approx. 12 hours a week). He doesn't want to talk about his behaivour, infact he won't accept that telling me to shut up or telling me I talk bollocks is a problem. We don't have sex anymore and the only time he is nice to me is when he has had a drink (which to be fair isn't that often).

He says he is not leaving our house because he can't afford to pay mortgage/bills and rent someone else which I completely understand. The idea is that I will hopefully find a job so I can take on the mortgage OR THE bills here to enable him to rent somewhere else.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I don't want to leave this house. It's where our DCs were born and it's their home.

I did this when I ended my marriage for the exact same reasons as you.

We lasted 6 months and that was a strain and I was very lucky to not have a vindictive of childish ex. If you think your dh could be either of those things then prepare for it to get very rough, but if you can see it through it will be worth it for that first night when you can shut the door after he has left.

I did this for 18 months and it was horrible!

I did this for 3 months before I saved enough to be able to leave, it was hell but worth it in the end. I think it sounds like you are doing the right thing and I wish you good luck and hope it goes as smooth as possible for you

Thank you for your quick replies.

Did you tell your family and friends that you had separated early on? Our children are 8 and are going to be devastated. My DS adores his Dad and I am fearful that he is going to resent me

LouMacca - if you read my thread "After 22 years of marriage, my husband wants out: How do me and kids cope?" You will see that I am in a similar position.

What I think you need to do is see CAB and get together all financial advice you can, regarding benefits and entitlements. You will feel better for seeing them (I did) and they will point you in the right direction.

I have no advice other than to wish you well. I've had wonderful advice on my thread - perhaps some of it may help you. It's hell, it's horrible...but I'm trying to do what's right for my kids.

I've told no one how bad things are (apart from the CAB guy) apart from a close friend who knows a little. I will take a couple more friends in my confidence soon - I realise that support for us is vital.

Hope you get support you need in RL - I know you will on here, I have. Good luck.

Thank you Saffy, I will go and check the thread out now. Best Wishes to you too.

Oh, the thing is he won't stop being verbally abusive etc if you're still in the same house - he may even escalate his behaviour.

I mean, if it was going to be an amicable split between two people who were capable of being civil, then maybe it could work, but with your h being the way he is, I just think he'll make it horrendous. You can always make new memories and a home elsewhere if he won't go: moving isn't a tragedy in children's lives.

Thanks zikes, I take on board what you are saying.

It would be impossible to put the house for sale at the mo. because houses are just not selling where we live and the equity in the house and my employment situation wouldn't allow me to buy or rent another house in the area where our DCs go to school.

I am in the same position as of 2 weeks ago. No time to post now but wanted to say hi and that I know how awful it is living in the same house. He hates it too and has made the decision to go asap. I will come back later although have no helpful advice to offer....
Thinking of you

Yes I am currently living with my ex and will be till July. We split up a couple of months ago. But it only works because it is very amicable- we basically split up because we were more like friends so living together is easy. Attempting it with someone who is behaving badly would be really hard. If you do it make sure there are strict groundrules re chores, money etc

Hi and thanks awfulweeks & adelaide. Hope we can give each other some support through this. Do you have children awfulweeks?

we are currently doing this - BUT, DH just fallen out of love with me ("just", ha - I'm devesatated) but we get on great fortunately and have never argued. I can imagine it would be hell in your kind of situation as it can be stressful. I'm more like adelaidegirl

I have lived like this for 2.5 years now & it is nothing short of hell on earth.

I have tried to reach a resolution but it's stalemate- I won't go because of my boys- he won't go because he believes the house is 'his', no matter what the law says!
I've spent almost £3k on the divorce to date & we have had our nisi for 2 years. However he point blank refuses to discuss or agree settlement & without another £7-10k in courts costs, it won't be resolved.
I don't qualify for legal aid but now I'm paying for virtually everything I cannot afford more legal costs.

I honestly think I could be living this way for another 8 yrs as my twins are 12.

I hope you can find a way forward- mediation is a requirement now I believe (though that's another thing my not so DH refuses to agree to).

Any length of time living in this situation is hard going, but I wouldn't be exaggerating when I say it can destroy you as time goes on.

So sorry maxybrown it must be so hard on you.

demo We are probably in a similar position (and not just because we both have twins). I believe that my DH thinks the house is his (even though I worked full-time up until the birth our twins) because he has paid the mortgage and bills for the last 8 years.

I don't think he sees me as an equal because I became a SAHM mum and he continued to go to work. I do everthing, and I mean everything, in the house and now also work part-time from home. He continuallly makes comments about coffee mornings, shopping, etc. When I ask who would he like to take and pick up the children from school every day and look after the children in the 13 weeks holidays if I worked full-time he always snaps that he's not suggesting I go back to work full-time yet he always makes the nasty comments.

Very similar then Lou. I work almost full time now but I still cover all the childcare- either myself or getting friends etc to help out.
He initially pushed for 50/50 residency but his proposal for 4 days on/4 days off just wouldn't have worked, least of all for the boys who wouldn't have known whether they were coming or going on such a revolving rota.
As it turned out, the only reason he wanted this was to avoid paying any child support.
So now, he's got a full time housekeeper, provider of childcare & someone who covers 75% of the bills & ALL child related costs whilst he swans off every night to spend time with his new girlfriend.
I have no objection to the new relationship- I'm desperate we both move on-but I also want our 'relationship' to be formally ended too so that I can get my life back.

My parents did this and it was a horrible atmosphere. To be fair though, us kids were much older (in teens) so were probably much more perceptive. But I wouldn't think this is an optimum situation for anyone to be in.

Sorry you're going through this. :(

Thank you hope it works out for you and doesn't take too long