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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do

20 replies

sunexpected · 15/04/2011 23:17

Hi. I've been with Dh for 4 1/2 years and have 2 DC's - 3 yrs and 18 months. I was pregnant 4 months after meeting and married a year after meeting.

Thing is, he drives me mad. He has such a bad temper which I totally do not like but when I challenge him on it he blames it on me Confused. I've started to dream of being a single parent which is not what I want and I know must be very difficult but I can't help thinking at least he won't be here.

I'm sorry this is all a bit confused but I would welcome any thoughts that would help me sort my head out

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 23:23

his temper? just reserved for you,or is he like that with everyone?

is he violent? hit walls etc....you? others?

Original poster
sunexpected · 15/04/2011 23:31

He doesn't reserve his bad temper for me, it's more of a personality type. He just starts ranting. Eg my sis came to visit for a few days and he starts ranting but not in a discussion type way, more in a 'this is what I think and I will talk over you to get my message across' type way. i just cringed and announced I was going to bed at which point my sis said she was going to bed too. She's far too nice to comment on him but I know her well enough to know that she will not be happy with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunexpected · 15/04/2011 23:32

Actually, I did mention to her that I was not too happy with him and she said he reminds her of our dad. Dad is a very opinionated outspoken person who is quite mean and nasty. Oh lord....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 23:34

how about outside the home? with his workmates? friends? in shops?

i had an ex hsband like this. he got worse. you remind me of myself,i used to cringe too. i did eventually leave and become a lone parent. but my ex had many other issues and was violent,i know how you feel tho.

i used to be forever on eggshells around him

Original poster
sunexpected · 15/04/2011 23:43

I'm so grateful that you've responded. He is never physically violent. Outside of the home, he is quite short tempered. For example, we were all in the car the other day and he parked up with part of the car on the pavement and I said ' you're too far over there' (in a kind of mate type of way) and he just raised his voice and said 'no I'm not, I'm worried about getting my daughter out the car, not sure if you are'. All very dramatic but true. However, in my opinion, not necessary.

Last night in bed he said 'Don't i get a kiss goodnight?' I said 'No. You say it as if you always do and I've withheld tonight'.

He said 'no I kissed you last night'. I said 'well, I don't want to kiss you'. He said 'You're such an idiot'. I said 'Thanks'. I then said 'Could you turn your light off please?' (he had his bed side light on despite the fact I was trying to get to sleep and he was looking at his mobile which has a light. He said 'no' I then spent time trying to get to sleep with the impression that he was just being awkward

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 23:50

good points? is there a trigger for this? my dh was eventually diagnosed with personality disorder. when we split,he became far,far worse. i seemed to keep him reigned in somehow,though i didnt realise it at the time.

sounds like he likes the control! does he work?

HerHissyness · 15/04/2011 23:52

God, that is like living with a 6 year old!

Fast Forward 20 years when the DC have left.... you still want to be putting up with THAT? Terrifying thought.

Original poster
sunexpected · 15/04/2011 23:55

Good points- cooks dinner, doesn't drink too much, comes home at a decent hour, is clever....erm....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 00:03

you'll probably leave one day.....it will grind you down

Original poster
sunexpected · 16/04/2011 00:23

Tiffany it's already grinding me down hence the reason for my posting. I have had enough. I cannot see the reason for staying together apart from for the kids. I certainly do not want sex

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 16/04/2011 00:33

Does he not realise the sex is drying up because Victor Meldrew is not a turn on and marriage doesn't mean you're a sure thing?

If not, tell him. Either he behaves like a gentleman, and that means no aggression or lecturing, or you will lose all physical and emotionally attraction for him. Spell it out, he may just be think

perfumedlife · 16/04/2011 00:34

think? I mean thick of course.

tallwivglasses · 16/04/2011 00:36

Oh god, sun. look at all the other threads on here over the past few days (weeksSad) - formerly strong women prolonging the torture for themselves by, I dunno, longing for any tiny crumb of affection...I think you know you need to run and you've got the strength to do it.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 16/04/2011 00:45

OP, the fact that he doesn't drink and cooks occasionally... that's slightly less than the bare minimum anyone is entitled to in a couple-relationship. I'm surprised you didn't add that he doesn't actually set fire to you on a regular basis or something.
If you have asked him to change his behaviour and your requests are reasonable (ie that he not talk over you and bully you) then he should try to do so. If his response is that it's all your fault, then he simply doesn;t consider you as a person, he sees women as less-than-people.

Original poster
Sunexpected · 16/04/2011 21:44

Thanks to people for posting on here. I'm really torn tbh cos I don't trust my own feelings but there seems to be a pattern forming.

I keep thinking it's not really that bad and then I think but I can't stand it either. I am convinced if we split that I will spend most of my time being depressed about the split and missing him terribly.

I'm so crap at this. If I had strong self esteem I wouldn't be in this mess.

Just rambling really........

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 21:50

a trial separation then?

Original poster
Sunexpected · 16/04/2011 21:58

Trial seperation. How does that work? I guess we would have to find somewhere for him to rent. Trouble is we can hardly afford the mortgage on this house.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 16/04/2011 22:10

rented room in a house share?
stay with a friend? family member?

Parietal · 16/04/2011 22:16

Could counselling or Relate help? If he could stop the anger, would you love him? Or still only stay for the kids?

Original poster
Sunexpected · 16/04/2011 22:30

Parietal think we should try counselling or relate but as far as I can tell he doesn't really have any awareness. I do wonder whether he may be have a personality disorder/autism*

*I don't know a great deal about this type of thing but....

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