So, do you pull up a NPD person when they try to make everything about them or not........

[DrNortherner]

Long history of my Mother and her NPD tendencies.

Anyway, cutting a long story short my Father died in April 2009. Tonight she is going to a neighbours 50th birthday party, she rand to tell me she was anxious about going and had been upset all day. Various neighbours have been in and out of her house encouraging her to go, saying it will do her good. When I asked why she is so anxious, she replied in a very shocked voice "Well it's the first party I've been to without your Dad"

Dad died nearly 2 years ago. Since then she has had a family 70th birthday party, a 21st, a family wedding and last year she went to the Mayors ball.

I pulled her up on her comment and said "No it's not, you've been to lots of things on your own" to which she replied "Yes but only little things, not big things" Then she quickly changed the subject and switched off the tears.

So, do I pull her up on this again or leave it?

You see, whilst I am taking a firmer stance with her, neighbours and people around her are not. She has made this 50th party all about her, all the neighbours popping in, consoling her, saying they will save her a seat at the party and look after her, so seems to me pointless saying anything? She thinks they are all nice and looking after her and that I never support her and don't understand what it's like for her.

I do support her, but I can not agree with her when she downright lies about situations to appear the victim.

Do you know what, i would just leave it.

My mother has an amazing ability to re-write history and, for the life of me, I just cannot work out if she is lying or if she genuinely believes the crap that comes out of her mouth.

My mum either lies to get victim status or lies to put herself in a good light, whichever one means she will get the most attention.

eh, dunno what NPD is but she could be feeling that thing everyone will be there with partners, all except her of course..and this just gives emphasis to her situation and solitude..

it will take time and I would do my best to make her go - for if nothing you can tell her the next time, well you've done it before..

Whatever you do she will say it means you are speaking in bad faith/selfish/mean/unfeeling/lacking in sensibility/what have you. That's her nature, to twist things so that you are bad and she is good. Trying to convince her otherwise only means you have taken her bait, because -look at it- you are dancing about her trying to get her to say otherwise and let you off the hook.

Can you think of a time she ever actually did say otherwise and let you off the hook?

My late dad was NPD, or near as much as makes no difference, and he acted just the same. The only times I ever successfully pulled him up would be when I caught him in a direct contradiction, and pointed it out. For example, he said he would not do birthday gifts for my sister and I as he was in a financial pinch. Okay, dad that's fine. Then he told me about how he took his girlfriend out to the best restaurant in town, and did I want to hear about all they ate and drank there? I merely commented on the seeming contradiction in passing, but it hit him hard because he had accidentally spoiled his own perfect facade and been caught out.

That made him nervous not to get caught out thereafter, but it did not make him see me as a human deserving of decent treatment. They really are that limited. He's been gone since 2008 and the memories still sometimes amaze me.

So my thought is - save your sanity and minimize exposure. Listening to her in her dance for narcissistic supply with the neighbors would try any saint.