Failing to pull it together :(

[LostMySenseOfHumour]

Hi, I've been lurking for a while and gleaned a lot of useful info and advice through other peoples posts. Thanks all. I'm struggling at the moment to hold it together and could do with something ... not sure what.

Story so far...Last year after a couple of years which were pretty sh*t H says he doesnt love me any more and wants to move out. I am gutted but it makes sense of why I feel I'm putting so much energy and time into a losing battle. :( Thought it was forever. 20 years and 2 kidz later.... After some discussion he decides he wants to move into the caravan in the garden for all the best reasons - be about for the kids (teenagers, getting their own lives on track). We live in a small village and public transport is awful so I think maybe its a good idea. Now we are over 6 months down the line and he has showed no effort to pay his way, its painful seeing him every day, and although it seems to work for the kids (and him) I have told him he has to move out properly. After reading some threads on here I felt at though I was continuing the same patterns that were unhealthy in the relationship - constantly supporting him and undermining my own self respect.

But since telling him to sort it out I feel awful and upset and desperate and lonely. And weak. And judged by the neighbours :( I'm having a shit time and would appreciate any words of wisdom! Thanks.

Sorry no words of wisdom, just another person struggling on, I didn't want your post to be unanswered.

((hugs))

xxxxx

You probably feel worse now, but when he's gone and the dust has settled, you'll be able to move forward and things will look brighter again.

Take no notice of the neighbours, they don't have to live your life.

My H of 22 years recently told me that he doesn't love my anymore, too. It hurts like hell and I empathise with you. I, too, thought we were for keeps. It is for the best that he moves away completely - for your own wellbeing. You need to heal and move on, and you can't with him so close. Remember, that this is his doing - to end the marriage, to not work at it - not yours. Sod the neighbours - move a male stripper into the caravan after H has gone, and give them something to really talk about (lol). Seriously, he caused this, and you need to put yourself first, get properly separated and sort out finances. Then you can move on. Take care.

Hi, thanks for the replies. I really appreciate it. I seem to have forgotten my ability to be a strong independant woman and feel so pathetic :(
saffysmum thanks for reminding me, but most of all thanks for the laugh! I might just do that :)
I hope you are all doing ok.
anon thanks for the hugs ... i never realised how touching a virtual hug from a stranger could be! Will keep on keeping on ... somehow! I'm so proud of all the people who have come through this stronger and more positive ... i am at the place of doubting my own ability (if you know what i mean) xxx

didnt want to read and run. not much advice really, but wanted to say i think you sorted out a good 'half way house' for a while which will have helped a little for the next stage - time to make the separation more separate iyswim. he needs to move further away now , support himself and put in the effort to see his kids. time for you to move into a new phase of single, capable lady. start some new interest if you can to help you not to dwell on it.
sorry about lack of punctuation - baby/one handed!

sorry meant to say 'hugs' too. can't be easy

Hi cottonreels. Not sure if it was a good move really as a half way house cos now I feel exhausted and like I have to go through it all again :( My own fault, but when it all happened last year I couldnt think straight to come up with any other solutions. Not sure I would recommend it to anyone else...But at least things will be more sorted when we have got to the next stage. Hopefully. Just feeling so bloody pathetic atm. Thanks!

I know what you mean about feeling exhausted, and it would have been good if you had chucked him out properly last year, but never mind. Naturally you couldn't think straight at the time. But you do have the strength to get rid now, you will find it. Remember you don't need to find solutions to this for him - he does. Put the responsibility onto him: in your OP you said "he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to leave". So let him leave and sort out all the arrangements. You concentrate on you and lovely kids. And move that male stripper in...I'll even supply the baby oil!
Good luck.

I think it was awful of your H to suggest this. What a horrible, selfish, cruel thing to do. All it meant was that he didn't want to be your husband any more, he didn't want to give you the love and support you need, but he didn't want to face the consequences of that either. So he still gets to see his kids all the time, he doesn't have to pay for a new home or anything like that. He is just making sure he still gets everything he wants, in a way that doesn't cost him anything and is torturing you and means you can't move on.

That is horrible, horrible behaviour, please make him go asap. It will not be YOU making him go, he chose to end things, but you can't half-leave a marriage. Horrible.

Were you kind of hoping he would change his mind and come back? Having to accept it is finally over might be why you're feeling so upset about this - if he had gone you would have processed all those emotions by now but unfortunately you're still on the rollercoaster.

But it is by far the best thing for him to go - as soon as you realise how poisonous he and the situation is, how what you are lonely and desperate for is the fictional marriage/husband in your head, you will be able to see a way through this.

Even if you did want him back, the current situation is no way to do it. He has the best of everything, there's no incentive for him to man-up, change or put any effort in whatsoever. Only facing up to the consequences and reality of his actions will have any effect at all.

Hey saffysmum - yes thats just it, I have been feeling like I need to stop taking all the responsibility. But his unwillingness to take the responsibility makes it hard.
Hi seachange - I don't think I ever thought he would change his mind which is why I'm so suprised how bad I feel at the moment. I want to be positive and looking to the future and upbeat for the kids and for myself...
I think I am struggling with trying to deal with the situation as compassionately as possible and for the best good of everyone (a mothers struggle!!) When he's just across the garden I find it so hard to detatch. And when he's chatting with the neighbours (possibly about nothing in particular) I feel so excluded and angry etc.
And I suppose I am grieving for the potential that will never now happen.
Just need to be strong and get through this to the next stage, but still struggling (arrgh!) thankseveryone xx

Just as long as "the good of everyone" doesn't include your H!

I hope up find a resolution soon. It willbe so much better when he is gone and you are out of this limbo. Then you can start healing, re-grouping and rebuilding, moving on.

Yes it's got to be better and clearer when he's gone. I do worry for my DDs not having a good relationship with their D andhow this will effect their relationships in the future. But it will be easier for me if he isnt around all the time and hopefully that will help me show them how to have some self-respect
I'm going to keep the male stripper option at the forefront of my mind!! Someone could probably do a good trade in them for people in my position!!!!

Just because he won't be at the bottom of the garden anymore doesn't mean the kids can't continue to have a good relationship with him. It'll just take a tiny bit more effort on his part.

They need a sorted mum as well, and that can't be while he is constantly in your face. Don't beat yourself up.

You've had some lovely advice on your thread Lost - people can be so kind.

You sound pretty lovely too (if you don't mind me saying!) and you've made the best of a crappy job. I would just say that from my perspective of a divorce back in prehistoric days, I still feel sad that it didn't work out. He recently died and it felt like I went through the split all over again, in micro-stages, even though I left him. What I'm saying is that the grief of a failed marriage (all that hope and promise!) is very real and doesn't go away overnight. He has strung it out by living at the bottom of the garden (ffs!!), which has made it hard on you, particularly as he has made no attempt to carry his own load - gosh, that makes me feel .

Just a word of warning about your delightful teen/s: they may kick up that you are telling D to go. They may quite like the quirkiness of D at the bottom of the garden and may blame you for 'spoiling' that blah blah etc (teens never short of accusations in my experience ). Be resolute: you have to take care of yourself, and this half-way house is no life to be leading. Kick the wastrel out I say, let him stand on his own two feet and facilitate a relationship with his own children. If he doesn't, that will be awful, but it is not your fault - don't let him or your kids put that one at your door will you?

Keep going, you're doing marvellously so far imo. You're feeling scattered because he's done/doing your head in - your head will reconnect once he's gone and your life gets back in focus in record time, promise: you'll find yourself again and that, in my experience, is wonderful all on its own.

Hi springydaffs thanks so much for posting. Yes, I'm really touched about the support on this thread, I nearly didn't post as I hardly knew what to say but I'm so glad I did!
Your story brought a tear to my eye, but actually makes me feel easier about accepting how I'm feeling - at the moment and possibly in the future. I want to be ready to move on, but I end up feeling so exhausted and confused about whether I'm doing the right thing. Next week I will get a moving date off him so this won't go on indefinitely. It almost seems as if he has deliberately put me in this position to end up being the "bad guy" even though it was his decision to move out...

But I keep trying to think what would I want my DDs to do if they were in my position, and try to set them an example of self-respect and self-worth. That makes me more resolved. Most of the time! I think they will understand
It's so sad that something so good has now become so broken and bitter I am sooo looking forward to feeling like things have moved on a bit! xx

"It almost seems as if he has deliberately put me in this position to end up being the "bad guy" even though it was his decision to move out..."

Yes! I was going to say that (but thought I'd gone on long enough) - he is setting you up. Grr, what a fat baby. People who peddle this endless shit make me so CROSS!

Kids may not understand - don't expect them to. They may kick up but that's his fault, not yours: totally not yours, he made the choice. You have done all you can, he's taking the piss. Your daughters will understand eventually, but may not now (though they may)?

Tbh I'm wondering if there may be a few wives in your neighbourhood who breath a sigh of relief, some silent cheers of support, when the wastrel finally moves out from the bottom of the bloody garden (sheesh!). Women aren't stupid you know

oops, sorry if I've been too strong calling him a wastrel* - I hope that didn't hurt you OP xx

*twice

Hi springy - your post made me :) ... do you live in my village???? You are right actually, its so easy to forget that someone can be so manipulative when you (me) put so much effort into working out how to communicate effectively :( I need to remember he's not my friend and hasn't been for quite a while. And also I don't have to be his MOTHER either!!!
I am putting in time with the DDs to keep up communication and will work out the best way to approach the subject. I just don't trust myself to feel strong enough to rock the boat and deal with the consequences ...
But now I realise this is not just about me and my insecurities, this is a stand for womenkind!!! hope you are okay! will keep you updated of developments.
saffysmum how are you doing? got the oil ready...?? wana join me?
.... can't believe i'm even saying all this but thanks so much girls for reminding me to
be strong and
keep smiling
thanks again xxx

You are doing well Lostmy, even if you don't feel that you are. Do you have to tell the DDs? Just a thought, but as he instigated all this, wouldn't it be better from him to tell them that he is moving out from the garden. (Do you watch Emmerdale, I have visions of the Dingles caravan..lol). Like you, my husband told me he no longer loved me, and it hurt like hell, I am always keeping in mind that this is his doing, his mess. Obviously, like me, you will have to deal with fallout with your kids when he's gone. And I'm sure you'll do ok. But I strongly feel that H has to tell our kids - he has to say the words himself. Just a thought - but why should you tell him when he is the instigator of it all. The baby oil is ready and waiting, and I might even through in some chocolate body sauce stuff! Take care and keep strong. Small steps for both us us love. X

How have you been today?

Hi saffysmum thanks for your posts - never watched emerdale but maybe I should start!?! I'm curious now! Thanks for reminding me to :) ... chocolate body sauce - never even knew it existed!! I'm starting to realise that maybe this will be an opportunity to extend my horizens!
The last couple of days have been a bit overwhelming just trying to sort out practicalitites, paperwork etc. I want to run away from it all at the moment! I might go with the DD's to my parents for a couple of days just to have a bit of a break. Struggling to find the humour in it all, but managing to put one foot in front of the other. I know its got to get better than this.
How are you doing? xxx

Hi - I'm rubbish too to be honest! Wading through paperwork, feeling sad, angry, upset, like I'm in a bad dream. Yes, it has to get better. Know what you mean about overwhelming...it comes in waves, not a good day today, but yesterday was better. Take care. I think a break at your parents sounds good. I just want to tell mine, so that I can lean on them a bit. But first the kids need to know...and we won't do that until after their exams. I hate being in limbo, bet you feel the same. Stay strong x

Really sorry to hear you are having a hard time. It's difficult enough putting a brave face on it when its out in the open - I'm not surprised you are finding it tough sometimes.
It's really odd how it can feel like a bad dream isn't it?? And how it comes in waves. I'm sure you are doing really well - the time and thought and consideration you have put into everything is amazing... but I bet its hard to feel that sometimes ((hugs))
On a good day I feel like this is a fresh start. On a bad day it feels as though everything has gone horribly wrong. I hope to get away for the weekend just for a change of scene.
I've thought about everything you and springy have said and I reckon I might let my DDs know of the possibility before he tells them. He seems to be so self-absorbed atm that I'm worried he'll say it all in a way that leaves me to mop up the mess iyswim.
I hope you are okay - look after yourself and do pm me or post, even if its just to rant ... Yep - stay strong xxx

Thanks LostMy you are a sweetie. Feel a bit better today, but there's this constant knot in the pit of my stomach - bet you know what I mean. My H is incredibly self asborbed too, honestly it's like living with a stranger. He really shouted this morning over something silly, not at us, but we could all hear him. Sounded really stressed. So I think it's getting to him. I agree about letting DDs know about the possibilty before he tells them. Good idea. If your H is anything like mine he's so unreliable and unpredictable, that you probably can't trust him to say the right thing. I hate all this, but we will get through it. Take care XX