Is it EA? / XP meltdown

[circlehead]

I could type ALL night if I were to go into everything, but I shall try and keep it short for the purpose. I had a previous thread here in which I detailed XP's spoilt brat behaviour.

Since leaving XP, he appears to be having a breakdown. He used to text/call me to tell me when he was/had been crying eg ''i just cried in tescos'' until i told him it was emotional blackmail and to stop. He will now drop it casually into conversation eg ''I went for a run the other day and people were looking at me because I was crying''. He has also told me the following (normally repeatedly) via text/phone/face : he isn't eating, sometimes he can't work (self employed), he is self harming, he has nearly been run over twice due to being in such a state (chance would be a fine thing), he is having panic attacks, he is crying all the time.

He has also: smashed a remote control into his head in frustration while I was explaining why I didn't see a future with him, smashed his head over and over into his car interior in front of DS (8M) then tried to prevent me from removing DS from said car (an incident which has been reported to police in case of future reference), smashed his head against a wall twice while I was in the flat (then came to tell me he'd done it). He also has ''panic attacks'' in front of me, sobs like he is in a melodrama (often accompanied by ''nooo, please, noooo''), his hands ''won't stop shaking''. I remain politely neutral throughout.

Other ridiculous, self absorbed, attention seeking things he has said include: sometimes I think about just abandoning DS and leaving you to it, I would like to have him half the time, do you have a new boyfriend?, I don't like spending time with DS on my own.

Despite all this, he seems to have made it his mission to ''win me back'' although I have made it clear I no longer want to be in a relationship with him, due to finding him intimidating, aggressive, controlling, selfish, spoilt, immature, opinionated and irresponsible, amongst other things. He constantly plays the ''best thing for DS is to grow up in a stable family'' card, and is increasingly convinced we can work things out, get counselling, he can change, he knows I still love him really, he can make up for the past, he realises it's all his fault, he will never get angry/grumpy again (!).

I have to see him quite a lot as he sees DS as often as he possibly can. I used to have to be there to BF DS and XP would totally use that to his advantage. Fortunately have found a bottle that DS will take so can express now, make sure DS is ready to go and bag packed and try and get rid of XP asap (he invariably wants to come in to use loo or other excuse). Even when out with DS, he will call and ask if I want to come for lunch, even though I have stressed that I don't want to hang out with him, and he should focus on his relationship with his DS. Then I have to try and get rid of him, while he has a ''panic attack'' or simply cries.

Does this sound like emotional abuse?

He is away for a few days, thank Christ and I have had a couple of messages of pleading apology saying ''I can't believe how I treated you, I'm such a *%&£, I'm so sorry'' etc. I have only responded to his asking after DS. This seems to be his new tactic, ''realising'' how apallingly he behaved, but again, I can't be sure how much of it is genuinely meant and how much is just another stab at getting me back. It is touching, I must admit, but still no banana. I'm well aware that things will resume as normal once crisis is averted. And I don't even love him (despite what he tells me) so what's the point

:)

Actions not words circlehead. They all do this, profuse apologies, but it means nothing unless the behaviour changes. Stick to your guns. Demand the best.

I got all the sob stories, "All I needed was a hug, I felt so bad (he had a COLD FGS) and you shunned me..." Aw diddums, yes I did, and would do so again. He's gone now, I'll never have to do it again.

You are 23, you can have the world at your feet, don't you ever forget that!!

Lol at him having a cold. Go and get a hug off your mother!!

As for his behaviour changing, we tried to 'date' briefly after we spilt. XP would be on best behaviour during the date, but would revert back to snapping at me when not on a date! And he seemed to think that dating was working! Obviously didn't realise that all other interactions were taken into account too .

What a MUPPET!

I'm 42, let me come round and boss HIM about... see how HE likes it. the prick

CH: Remember that it's perfectly ok, permissible and reasonable not to love this man. Why would anyone 'love' a self-obsessed whinyarse?

Yes self obsessed is right. When I think of some of the things he did/said when we were together, I feel pretty disgusted. Things such as:

• Moaning about having to wait in his coat while I gave DS one last feed before we went out... this happened more than once.

• Moaning that I was letting cold air in the bed while getting up for the 3rd/4th/5th time that night to feed/nappy change DS. Again, happened frequently.

• Moaning about DS making noise in the morning and asking me to take him out so HE could get more sleep. Again, very frequent occurance.

• Asking me to bring him a tea in bed when he did wake up.

• Moaning that there were no clean bowls for his breakfast.

• Moaning that I hadn't done his laundry when he had a gig the next day. When I did do it, moaning that it hadn't dried in time.

• Just carrying the baby out to the car, while I carried buggy, bags, coats etc. Just carrying the baby in while I carried buggy, bags, coats etc.

And more serious things such as:

• Trying to physically force me to give him a BJ about 6 weeks after giving birth because HE was sexually frustrated. Also saying if I loved him I would have sex with him (what a shame I don't), eventually huffing ''Oh it's ALL about when YOU want to do it, isn't it?!'' (Yes it fucking well is, since the baby came out of MY vagina).

• Slapping my bum when I was bending over a few days after labour, despite the fact I had stitches in my vagina, and when I told him to get the fuck off, he scoffed that it ''didn't hurt'' and did it a few more times over the next couple of weeks.

Ladies, he is now a free and single man, fight amongst yourselves

You can see why I don't care much for his breakdown!

Diggs > rushes to the front elbowing everyone out of the way .

Just keep remembering all those things if you ever start feeling guilty when he is whining and slobbering about how hard-done-by he is. You dumped him because he is a bellend, not because you are a bad person.

If being dumped really has made him think about how he treated you, you've done him a big favour, because now he will have a better idea about how to treat the next mug woman in his life. It's a big "if" though.

He sounds very much like he has some mental health issues. That doesn't mean you should put up with his behaviour but there are real red
flags in terms of mh in your original thread. I think he needs professional help.

hairylights - yes I reckon there are some deep rooted issues, I suppose much of it from his parents divorce. I just really don't know how much of it is genuine distress and how much is attention seeking... Like him smashing his head into things - since I had a serious word about it, he hasn't done it, even though he has been in just as much of a state as before. If he really had MH problems, wouldn't be beyond his control..? I don't know.

I think a massive part of all this is, he has always got what he wants. He is a only child and is his mum's goldenboy. He is clearly spoilt (for instance, she bought him a wine airer for his 32nd birthday - it was just a small token as she had literally just had an operation. He tried it, grumbled that it didn't work and she started gushing about how she would buy him something he did want, give him the money etc. Just complete ingratitude. This attitude extends into every area of his life.) His mother will also make LUDICROUS excuses for his behaviour (it's winter and he's never been very good with winter. W.T.F ?! 'He's had a lot of loss in his life' - eg his grandparents died and parents divorced - join the fucking club. Everyone else still manages to act like a decent human being) and XP is the same (apparently he 'hasn't been himself' during our entire relationship, due to all manner of everyday stresses and strains of life). He is always the centre of attention in social situations and will make it his aim to be as crude, insulting and outlandish as possible for maximum effect. His friends know what he is like and it's all very 'funny', but even they will have enough of him.

I think he is realising that actually, he has no-one really. His friends keep him at arms length, and are busy getting married/having babies and generally excluding him from their lives (gladly, I suspect. He is very imposing, social boundaries don't mean anything to him and I know mutual friends who find his attitude very tiresome.) And now he has messed up his own family due to his idiotic, childish behaviour. I really don't know of anyone who genuinely enjoys his company, and isn't just mates with him through shared past, XP imposing himself or intimidating/coercing people into spending time with him, or work related networking. And I really think XP is recognising this too. He's obviously now had a reason to take a long, hard look at himself.

He seems to think we could work if I were to point out to him when he is behaving like a knob in an unacceptable way, then he will stop it, but why is that my responsibility for Christ's sake? That was his mother's job and she obviously didn't do it very well.

whoopsl, sorry, long!

That was his mother's job and she obviously didn't do it very well.

Couldnt agree more !

What hope is there? That's what I think. The damage is obviously done, he will not change now.

He sounds mentally ill and like he needs help, it also sounds like he is not a safe parent for your child to be around.

Sorry, but I wouldn't trust him with my child if he was my XP.

He isn't your problem. You have done more than enough for him. Just like an alcoholic or an addict, he's going to have to reach rock bottom before he actually acknowledges that there is something wrong with him and he may never do so, he may end up one of those once-attractive men sat with his fat arse on the same bar stool every night whining into his pint about how the world never understood him and never gave him a chance.
Sometimes something triggers a person like this into getting proper therapy and basically growing the fuck up - it's fine to hope that this happens in his case ie in a few years' time you will have a reasonable co-parent capable of civilised behaviour who you may even be able to regard as a friend. But I wouldn't bet on it and, for the moment, I strongly advise you to cut all contact with him on the grounds of his unpredictable behaviour meaning you consider him a risk to DS.