Non-tactile, silent type

[digimand]

DP is a good, honest, hard-working man, loves fluffy animals, great with kids, helps pensioners with their bags in the supermarket, etc.
So, he is genuinely a good guy, but in our relationship we keep coming back to the same issue, maybe 2 or 3 times a year where I just cannot cope with his inability to show me affection! Most of the time I get by by reminding myself that it's just not in his nature to say I look nice, or to put an arm round me.... then sometimes the lack of feeling loved tips the balance and every fibre of my being tells me to run, as I feel so lonely and unwanted.

At this stage I become very upset, uncontrollable crying and tell him I just cant take it, and explain to him how a few simple changes would go such a long way... he apologises and says that he does love me and will try harder, which he does for a few days, but then lapses.

We now have our first baby together (9 mo) and what with much disturbed sleep, him working long hours to pay for everything whilst I'm still on Mat Leave, plus adjusting to being new parents - I need love and support more than ever and I've not got the energy to convince myself he cares, when all he has to do is show it!!

Currently am so afraid of spending the rest of my life feeling unloved, I just want to escape, but how can I now we have our DS, who we both love dearly (Note: DP has no trouble showing affection to DS, it seems to be romantic love he struggles with), plus we have a house together....

Thing is, if only he would show me a glimmer of affection, just a little each day, then everything would be fine. I just hate feeling left out in the cold. Feels like the only thing I could do is leave him and hope he sees what he's losing and miraculously changes his ways..... clearly this is my fantasy world.

I know there is no magic solution to this, I just need to talk about it as I feel all locked up in my head and dont wish to discuss with friends as this is really personal

If you got this far, thanks v much for reading, comments and suggestions welcome

you have to take the lead

i read somewhere a guide to marriage from the 40s and they recommended women take the lead every night bit extreme but empowering

i'm married to one of those. great guy in every other way but this is one of the issues that causes huge rows. we've been together for nearly 16 years and it has been like this for at least 7-8 years. i know he's capable of it, he did it for the first few years and it has been a gradual tailing off.

i got fed up with taking the initiative so now i just do as i please. we get on well enough that we can't see ourselves splitting but it is demoralising. i have accepted that he can't/won't make that effort so tbh i've stopped making the effort too. every so often he'll notice that i've not done xyz for a while and moan, but i just point out that i'm not the only one in the relationship and he has to make some attempt to rectify the situation. things get better for a while but the effort is so half hearted that he might as well not bother.

it's all a bit meh

Same here, digi. I'd be interested to know how long you've been together, and whether his behaviour has deteriorated since you've had your DC? I think you're in the same club as other posters whose OH's can't seem to show affection! Does he show affection in other ways? And are you perhaps putting pressure on him to behave in a certain way? Do you think the love that he claims to feel for you is genuine? If this is the case, perhaps you need to live with his behaviour for the sake of your relationship and accept that this is the way he is.