Non-tactile, silent type

[digimand]

DP is a good, honest, hard-working man, loves fluffy animals, great with kids, helps pensioners with their bags in the supermarket, etc.
So, he is genuinely a good guy, but in our relationship we keep coming back to the same issue, maybe 2 or 3 times a year where I just cannot cope with his inability to show me affection! Most of the time I get by by reminding myself that it's just not in his nature to say I look nice, or to put an arm round me.... then sometimes the lack of feeling loved tips the balance and every fibre of my being tells me to run, as I feel so lonely and unwanted.

At this stage I become very upset, uncontrollable crying and tell him I just cant take it, and explain to him how a few simple changes would go such a long way... he apologises and says that he does love me and will try harder, which he does for a few days, but then lapses.

We now have our first baby together (9 mo) and what with much disturbed sleep, him working long hours to pay for everything whilst I'm still on Mat Leave, plus adjusting to being new parents - I need love and support more than ever and I've not got the energy to convince myself he cares, when all he has to do is show it!!

Currently am so afraid of spending the rest of my life feeling unloved, I just want to escape, but how can I now we have our DS, who we both love dearly (Note: DP has no trouble showing affection to DS, it seems to be romantic love he struggles with), plus we have a house together....

Thing is, if only he would show me a glimmer of affection, just a little each day, then everything would be fine. I just hate feeling left out in the cold. Feels like the only thing I could do is leave him and hope he sees what he's losing and miraculously changes his ways..... clearly this is my fantasy world.

I know there is no magic solution to this, I just need to talk about it as I feel all locked up in my head and dont wish to discuss with friends as this is really personal

If you got this far, thanks v much for reading, comments and suggestions welcome

I think I am like your partner, I really am not tactile at all and my DH hates it TBH. I dont know what the solution is - I am sure your partner loves you but doesn't feel the 'need' to express it!
Think you need to sit down and have a really good talk

hi digimand

my dh is the the same - we do have issues which may contribute to his lack of verbal and physical affection, but I think he would be pretty much the same without our problems - we have three kids of 5, 7 and 9 and without them here I would no longer be in this "relationship", I too feel sidelined and my dh also shows the kids stacks of affection: telling them how wonderful and beautiful they are and trying to get as many cuddles in as possible..... I think your plus points are that your dp does say he loves you (when pressed) and you are able to talk about your feelings with him, this is totally not the case with my dh - we keep things very superficial. Would your dp go to counselling with you? This book (www.amazon.co.uk/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302820110&sr=8-1) might help too?

Can I ask if your dp is affectionate when you sleep together? My dh and I have rare but enjoyable sex where he is giving and warm, only to go back to being totally functional the following day - very strange. I think in his case he is quite controlling and showing affection would be making himself vulnerable which is even harder than it would be with all our "bad" water under the bridge.

I wish you all the best - know what you mean about spending the rest of your life feeling unloved.

Ok, I take it he doesn't do hugs and kisses, Im a lot like that tbh.
Dp understands this a bit, he knows Im not like this and does his best not to take it personally, although he'll just grab and kiss when he needs to and I reciprocate because he IS like that.
I do support him every other way I can though in everyday life, practically and emotionally and I hope this is enough for him, he KNOWS I love him, but im just not as 'flowery' as him iyswim.

My DP is like this and I have struggled with it for years. I have completely withdrawn from him and other than the token kiss good-bye we don't touch at all really.

I'm very unhappy though and am considering leaving and so I'm very very biased.

I think it's a bit shit that your dp can't make the effort. It sounds really really hard. When you mention uncontrollable crying, it makes me feel sad for you.

You are probably right and that it won't get better. Not without real work from him.

Is your sexlife any good?(other than normal baby disruption)

It sounds like you are suffering from neglect. Re uncontrollable crying. I'm also a bit that he is wonderful to 'strangers' but not to you. I know it's the usual line, but I would suggest counselling, even if it's on your own - make it a good counsellor - you get what you pay for tbh with counselling, usually. You could make it a condition that you both go to counselling if the marriage is to continue, as you can't be wasting away and it doesn't look like it will change unless drastic action is taken. As some of the other posters have said, he may never be affectionately 'hot' but as you say, even a little bit every day - the smallest crumb - would help, would go a long way. This is (understandably) a huge problem for you and it won't go away and no bricks and mortar or gorgeous baby will make up for it (hug too)

My dh isn't the touchy feely type either. He just can't show affection. It used to really bother me, but I've come to accept it now. Like your dh he is a really good and kind person and I guess this compensates for what he lacks. I know he adores me, he just can't tell me. He will tell me he loves me, but only if I say it first. I think it stems from childhood, my dh's parent are not very tactile, his Dad can come across quite emotionally cold - but they are from another generation when people didn't openly express their feelings or show affection.

I don't know if its possible for people like this to change tbh. But if its affecting you and your marriage to that extent, he should be willing to at least try. Someone who longs for emotional closeness and doesn't receive it from their partner could be very vunerable to an affair .... I'm not saying you would, but its a possibility in the future after years of feeling neglected. You need to talk to your dh.

Hi Ostracized

yes he is perfectly affectionate in bed, but like you say, by the morning its functional living again =o( I'd just like him to put his hand on my back as we pass in the kitchen, anything really, to make me feel he wants me.

As far as talking goes, when we have one of our discussions about it, it's largely me doing the talking (which helps, it gets everything off my chest again) but i'm still left largely in the dark about how he feels about the relationship... he has a standard response of "I love you very much and I'm sorry I dont really show it" he says he'll try, but nothing changes

Hi Elephantsaregreen

I'm just not certain that he knows how to show affection to his partner. Apparently his father was exactly the same, so he's not grown up seeing such affection....

re: sex life - other than tiredness and baby interruptions, sex life is great!

If i cuddle up to him on the sofa, he does now put his arm round me (after years of constant request to reciprocate) which is lovely... but I just want to feel that he wants to hold me when he sees me. It just makes me question how he must feel about me, as I love him more than anyone else before and every time I lay eyes on him, I just want to cuddle him or kiss his face. So why dont I provoke the same response in him? Am I not loveable enough? =o(

Hi Springydaffs

Well a counsellor would definitely help me, I know. I have real need to talk about feelings (as women tend to) I just think that he would not be able to open up to them and yet again it'd be me making all the effort to fix things and i'd possibly resent him for not trying when I am stuck in this cycle of needing to escape when I end up running on empty....

I do think that I should leave him and hope that he suddenly realises what he's lost and make him change, but it seems unfair on DS, plus I'd end up at my parent's which isn't near where we live

How would you rate your self esteem?

If it's low, maybe you could investigate techniques to raise it. You should never base it on how people feel about you or how they make you feel. Your self esteem should be about how you rate yourself.

There are many books to help you do this. Once it's at an accepatable level and you can challenge some of your thinking, you could look back on all the positive things you have actually written about your husband in your thread and not focus on putting yourself and your child through the trauma of leaving him just to try and teach him a lesson.

I don't mean to sound hard, but it sounds like you have a decent bloke there who just can't express himself like you need him to. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Once you start loving yourself you will see the difference in your relationships.

Good luck

accepatable ??! lol oops!

My ex was like this and before I met him my self esteem was high. It was the lack of affection and neglect over the years that lowered my self esteem. It is very hard living your life without love and affection, you have my sympathy.