I am having a big conversation with my ex on Saturday evening, to get out all of the things that happened in our relationship and hopefully move on to us being able to start couples therapy once he has done some more more counselling and feels ready and able to do it.
I had (undiagnosed) PTSD for most of our relationship, due to an abusive childhood, teenage breast cancer which was handled appallingly by my (unpleasant) family, an abusive relationship with my children's father culminating in his attempting to kill me (and nearly managing) and serious self esteem and confidence issues arising from all that. I had a breakdown not long after we moved in together 4 years ago and lots of horrible things happened, because I did awful things. I had to stop speaking to my family in that time because they were very bad to be around. I lied a lot, I did unbelievable things, and I was suicidal and made repeated suicide attempts over the years we were together. I have since had EMDR therapy, and intensive psychotherapy and can honestly say I feel like a new person. I'm actually fairly confident now, quite happy and feel like "me" for the first time ever. No nightmares, no major panics, no depressions and paranoias and no real issues. I can hardly believe the things that I did were me, and I am really quite ashamed. I seem to have a total mental block regarding how to start this off though.
I think it's maybe because there's so much riding on it, because we do still very much love each other, my children adore him and we all miss each other but I just can't seem to get my brain to cooperate and let me get the things I need to say out and I'm scared I won't manage it and will mess this up :(
I just don't know where to start.