Anyone know that it's "when not if" that their relationship will end at some point?

[dontdillydally]

Had a dreamy whirl wind romance, everything I ever wanted with the man of my dreasm, life was great.

After years of DH going into debt for "no reason" at all, last year things really came to a head.

DH always been crap with money and money management and it now looking back seems every 2 years or so I find out that he is either very, very overdrawn etc... Last year found out that he had funded a stag do abroad by taking out a loan, then was so overdrawn I found a letter to say he had taken out another loan over 2 years. Finally confronted him asking what the hell he is spending his money on as he doesnt smoke, gamble, go out, only drinks at home and prob twice a week for an hour at the pub. Again was overdrawn so took a loan out to pay it back.

Worse still another letter arrived to say he had defaulted on first payment, when confronted account was still overdrawn. Always the same answer dont know what it goes on

Really at the end of my tether now, Im haivng to work all the hours to cover bills, shopping... as dont want him to touch his account....life is miserable, we pass pleasantries and thats all, dont go out together, certainly nothing in the bedroom dept

Also not helping is DS who is a pain at the moment very cheeky, rude (6 yrs!) and things are really getting on top of me.

I actually feel it would be a relief to split....I know it will happen dont know when may be years but he wont change....although Im from a broken home and he knows that this is my worse fear, dont want our ds to experience this

I just feel sooooo very, very miserable and sad

Not much advice im afraid , but have been there with quite catastrophic results . I always assumed his debt was his ,and that i wasnt responsible for it . Technicly im not and i cant be persued for it , but when we divorced the debts are paid as a priority with any money left over from the sale of the house . During a divorce they are classed as family debt . So less for me , substantially so.

Do you own your own home or any other property ?

This really is financial abuse , its family money hes spending and your now having to make up the shortfall and that isnt fair . Did you ever get to the bottom of where this money is going ?

Has he done anything to sort it out , ie , a debt management plan or realistic negotiations with crediters ? Is it possible hes overwhelmed and out of his debt , is it something you could sort out together ?

He's always insisted that he just doesnt know where the money goes....his bank statement doesnt reveal anything either just small amounts, golf petrol etc...

I have told him that when it comes out because it will at some point not sure when then on his head be it.

He has destroyed our relationship...we used to be so good together but now I just cant be civil to him, dotn trust him, always checking for hidden letters etc... When we have nice days I just feel sad when I think about what he's done then I go back into a mood.

He always looks so "doey eyed" as though nothings his fault so makes it hard to end it - if he had had an affair etc... it would be easy but I dont have the evidence on where this money has gone

If I didnt have our Ds I think I would of walked by now. I only work PT so really couldnt manage on my own....he would realistically have to live in a share house (done before we got together) thats the only way I think we and he could live separately - see Ive even done all the workings out in my head

Also after years of paying CSA we should be better off by £150 a month but now that goes on the loan for the next 2 years - this makes my blood boil what a waste of money. Also means our planned holiday abroad is scrapped

Does he know you have considered leaving , is he happy ? Some men sqirrel away as much as they can , and via credit if they think things are going to end , they later then declare themselves bankrupt .

Its bad he cant explain where its gone , he cant not know . Would he go to counselling to get to the bottom of this , or have you just had enough ?

I wish id put my foor down years ealier , with hindsight i think theres something passive aggresive about doing this , i used to feel like his mother .

hi digs again your on my other post! didnt get much response to this one so posted another - all the same though.

yes I too feel like Im looking after 2 kids not one. I jsut wnat someone to look after me, my parents split whe I was 17 and thats all Ive done is be the grown up to my siblings, father etc... thought it was time that I was looked after

I said when I found out about the lies and debt that I was this far from asking him to leave and he just said that it couldnt come to that and he would be gutted.

life just goes on, we are civil to each other because of our ds (he';s 6) but I just feel very sad for what we used to be.

he just said that it couldnt come to that and he would be gutted.

But yet hes done nothing about it , nothing to reassure you that it wont happen again , and nothing to help resolve the financial problems your now facing . I would consider this carefully . A man whos frightened of losing his family usually does everything he can to prevent that. And its actions that count at this stage , not words .

Not wanting to sound negative , do you think theres any chance that he wants out , but doesnt want to be the one to take responsibility for it ? Could he be sabotaging your marriage ? My ex insisted on induldging in behaviours that he knew were a dealbreaker for me , effectiveley forcing me to end the marriage . I dont think he did this consciously if you know what i mean.

A number of things could be behind this behaviour , he could genuineley be crap with money , he could be feeling resentfull at having to support a family and feel entitled to do as he pleases with his money . The dynamins could have changed with him playing the naughty boy ect.

If overall your marriage has been good , i would insist on some counselling , then some debt management . You could probably be paying substantially less back if you transfer the balance to a zero interest card for example.

sounds like you married my ex
the way I see it he was a compulsive lier about money, he could not help it, steamed off his childhood and parents relationship. Unless he had some serious counselling and CBT maybe? - but I doubt it would ever fix the problem for good - there could be hope.
In the meantime you must keep hold of ALL his finance, sad but true like with a teenager, some people cannot just deal with money, often goes hand in hand with low self esteem, they always have to f**k it up when stability seems within reach. They are generous and hate to say no to anybody. They cannot tell you where the money has gone to save their life. Very very annoying but I regret splitting over this, as really he was a wonderful chap apart from this side, I do wish I calmed down and asked for professional help (both psycho and financial) Wish you can handle it, I am sure he would feel relief if he was just given petty weekly money .... [rolling eyes]

Hi, I think this behaviour will kill a relationship - you are being the parent and he is the child. He has to have the lightbulb moment and take responsibility for his finances. Find out what triggers the overspending. When you discover the overspending do you deal with it? I just wonder if you could get him to speak to debt advisors - check out MSE site for info. Maybe he needs the wake up. Sadly if you respect financial responsibility then you lose respect for someone who display such lack of responsibility. How old is he? It could make a difference to whether or not he will willing/able to change.

Mine was like this, it ended in Jan after 8 years, I knew that it was when not if for a very long time, I knew this because when he asked me to marry him after a year together I said no without hesitation, the thought of marriage made me feel uneasy but I think that was just our relationship.

I'm sad for you, OP, but I don't know why you're hanging around for the "when"? You've both basically said the relationship is unsustainable - you because he blows the money & lies, him because he hasn't altered his pattern - and it sounds as though there's not much marriage left.

DS may well be acting out due to tensions at home.