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Original poster

'Want a child to procreate, not because I enjoy spending time with children'

21 replies

ladyruby · 14/04/2011 21:21

DP comes home from work at 8pm to find me and DS about to watch Shrek and with the main lights on in the livingroom. We're out of routine as me and DS have been away for a few days and obv also Easter hols.

DP says he'll read upstairs as 'can't deal with lights, Shrek etc'. I make a fairly flippant comment about living in a house with kids (given we're ttc) and he says that - he feels the need to procreate in our relationship (he's not DS bio dad) but doesn't enjoy spending time with children.

Really quite surprised - is this a normal male reaction?

OP posts:

lookingfoxy · 14/04/2011 21:25

Eh, no it isnt!

lookingfoxy · 14/04/2011 21:26

If its a one off, ie tierd from work I wouldn't worry about it, but if thats how he is normally then I would be concerned.

Saltatrix · 14/04/2011 21:27

I know some who feel that way, normally they are not interested in children but their partner is so they just go for it. Wouldn't say it's a normal male reaction but there are a small number who view things that way. They tend to be highly motivated work fixated people.

IAmNotAFool · 14/04/2011 21:33

Well by experience, I would check with him if he really wants to be a dad.
Because he doesn't, you are setting yourself up to misery.

And no, ime, it's a normal man thng to say/feel

GrendelsMum · 14/04/2011 21:39

Well, I think it's fair enough that he didn't want to sit down to read in a room where you were watching a film.

Might be worth checking if he really does want another kid, htough...

Lucyinthepie · 14/04/2011 21:42

So, how is he normally with your DS, does he act as if he's his dad?

aurynne · 15/04/2011 00:41

You mean, you didn't even have a conversation about having children BEFORE you started TTC?? Please tell me I have this wrong.

LittleBlueBoat · 15/04/2011 09:32

Alarm Bell ringing

No this is not normal. I would not have a child with this man.

PurpleRayne · 15/04/2011 10:52

sounds like he wants to be a sperm donor and not a dad. Tread carefully.

ginnny · 15/04/2011 11:20

OMG that is an appalling thing to say - especially when you are TTC!!
I wouldn't want to be his child if that's his attitude.
Maybe its time for a serious talk ....

Ephiny · 15/04/2011 11:23

If he's trying to tell you that he doesn't want or intend to be part of his child's life beyond 'procreating', I would be thinking very carefully about whether you want to continue TTC with him. You need to have a proper talk about this.

FabbyChic · 15/04/2011 11:26

Im surprised you are even considering having a child with this man, when he cannot intereact with your own when he took you on he took the child on too.

he should be being a father figure not a stand alone asshole.

blueshoes · 15/04/2011 11:52

It is a normal male reaction for men who do not want to have children.

You should have a heart-to-heart talk with your dp about whether he is prepared to be your equal partner in bringing up children of your relationship, as well as being a stepfather to your ds.

On the face of it, I think it is appalling for your ds that you would consider bringing such a man into his life and having children with this man on top of that, to make your ds feel even more pushed out, despite your ds already suffering his parents' broken relationship (presumably).

piprabbit · 15/04/2011 11:57

Does he mean that he doesn't like spending any time with children, or just that he doesn't like having to share every moment of his time away from work with them?

I adore our children but even I pale at being forced into watching another loud and shouty children's film/TV programme when I'm not in the mood.

I think you need a talk to find out just how much of a distant parent he is planning to be.

AMumInScotland · 15/04/2011 11:58

For now, go back onto contraception. You need to get this sorted out before you decide if you want to have a child with him - if he really doesn't want to spend time with children, then you have to decide if that's good enough for you. It wouldn't be for me.

There's things he could have said if he was just stressed about work, felt hassled by a noisy film, etc, which might still have been hurtful but wouldn't ring such big alarm bells. But it sounds like procreating is just something on a ticklist for him - if he doesn't want to actually be a dad then that's a worry.

mamas12 · 15/04/2011 11:59

What a nasty thing to say to you.

Pull him up on that before you end up chucking him out because it will turn into him not even wanting to clear up after them take them to their clubs etc...

Hopefully he was having a bad day. Get your apology though

oldwomaninashoe · 15/04/2011 12:01

Was this a one off flippant comment??
Made by someone who has come in tired from work and just wants a little bit of peace and quiet to re-charge his batteries.
I know some evenings when I get in from work I do not want/need the family around me until I have had some time to myself.
If he is a good stepfather to your DS and lets face it he is with you and your child , he doesn't seem necessarily opposed to being around children, does he?

There are plenty of guys out there who say that having chidren is a wonderful and fulfilling experience, then "abandon" their chidren, when it pleases them1

Only you know whether he meant it or not!

SueSylvesterforPM · 15/04/2011 12:02

it was a very nasty thing to say, OP

does he say things like this often??

or is it out of character?

Tuggy · 15/04/2011 18:03

Not normal no (unless of course tired from work, this is a one off etc etc)

Otherwise prepare yourself to feel like a single mum raising future child as it doesn't seem that your husband will be wanting to do any of the care/playing/taking to hobbies etc etc.

Most men enjoy spending time with their children (maybe not ALL children but at least their own ones)

garlicbutter · 15/04/2011 19:21

It matters to me whether he said this in front of DS. If so, I'm afraid I consider him a very bad choice as father to your existing DC and future.

If he was just having an end-of-day grump, and didn't put DS down, then it could be something or nothing. Agree it would be wise to reconsider your options and have some very probing conversations.

Good luck!

spidookly · 15/04/2011 19:55

Agree, for me this hinges on whether it was said within earshot of your child. If so it's a horrible, horrible thing to have said.

If not, maybe something, maybe nothing. Sounds like something I might say if I really didn't want to watch another children's film (again), but I wouldn't mean it.

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