Dh wants to leave

[babytinkabell]

Dh and I have been together 10 yrs, have 2 kids aged 4 and 8 and also a 14 year old foster d. For the first couple of yrs our relationship was rocky to say the least. We get over that and things really improved until about a year ago. Up until then I had more or less been a sahm. I had had a couple of part time jobs but about 15 months ago started back at work 10-20 hours a week as a youth worker. I am also currently studying for my degree in social care as well as filling in ocassionally as a childcare assistant at the local playschool so I suppose I did get a lot busier and was out of the house a lot. 11 months ago we also started fostering. I work my job around the kids, they go to childcare about 2 afternoons a week after school for 2 hours, the rest of my hours are worked when dh is here to mind them.

I've got really important exams on Saturday in uni. Dh told me this morning he's thinking of leaving me. Apparently he hates fostering. We are having a lot of probs with foster d at the moment and the sws are seeking a residential placement for her. She will be gone by next week. He also hates me working because he has to look after the kids. He thinks we don't have sex often enough. Thats true, its prob only once a week at the moment. He says we don't have a relationship any more, that we have nothing in common.

I could kill him for doing this to me this week. he knows how important these exams are to me and I cant believe he chose today to do this. My head is wrecked, I can't concentrate on studying. He's so hypocritical he actually warned foster d this morning that shes not to give me any hassle today because I need to study?! I love dh and don't want him to go but I can't live like this. He hates that I go out to work. He has admitted he doesn't trust me, no idea why, I've never given him a reason not to. He just wants me to be at home all day every day even though he says thats not true, the problems only started when I went back to work and uni. Don't really know what advice I'm looking for, I just need to vent lol. I can't believe he'd walk out on me, the kids and 10 years together just because of his insecurities. Part of me thinks he actually wants me to fail these exams. He tells me he doesn't want fd here any more which is kind of undersatndable, she has been a handful. But now I just feel like she's going to end up in residential care cos he's sick of her when he's going to end up leaving anyway.

Was he as up for the fostering as you? Do you think you might of pushed him into it a bit? Maybe once fd has gone things will become more manageable and you will be able to have a heart to heart.

I had the same reaction to you post like LoopyLou I must say
It does sound like it was more of a one sided decision to foster and than maybe you were not really geared for the difficulties that came with it. (poor girl by the way must be very difficult for this kid to be never really wanted and loved) It also sound like you do speak but you do not believe a word of what he says, which of course can be the case as action speak louder than words, but it could also be that he has tried to get through you but we have been so busy to hear his complaints. It is just a thought really because if he is as controlling as you make him sound maybe its ok for him to leave, and your will be ok with your exams, come on! put your head down and get on with it, you have worked really hard to get to this point :-)

not "we"... you!

If I thought it was just the fostering I'd agree but as soon as I went back to work this started. It annoys him that he has to look after the kids when i work evenings or weekends and he doesn't like that I go out basically and he doesn't always know where I am and who i'm with. I think he's using the fostering as something to blame but the problem started with me being back at work. When I first talked about going back to work after having my first child dh got so angry he punched the window of the car and cracked it. So I left it for a few years and only did a couple of hours a week in jobs. I love my work now and don't want to leave. but I don't want my kids growing up without their dad just so I can have the job i want either.

I think this is about more than just the fostering, tbh.

He says he doesn't trust you. He doesn't like you going out to work. He was violent when you first suggested going back to work. And he's blaming all your relationship problems on your poor foster daughter.

He sounds like a controlling arse and a bully, who's not happy that your attention is being taken away from him by your children and your job.

His biggest prob with foster d is that she takes up too much of my time. He did want to foster in the beginning and has coped well with all fd has thrown at us. He just hates that I need to devote so much time to her.

Well presumably, having done all the training, he would have had some inkling of what it would be like taking on a teenage foster child? I do actually find it surprising that, given the ages of your birth children, SS would allow you to foster an older, clearly very traumatised, child?

I have some idea of the upheaval that causes to family life because I have three adopted children, one of whom has significant difficulties, and it takes a huge toll on everyone's life.

So I can understand that he's finding that difficult - even though he really should have had some clue beforehand.

It does, though, sound as if he's feeling a little insecure about you working and gaining qualifications. Maybe he feels that your life is moving on and you're leaving him behind?

The thing is, she is a child. And presumably a child who needs a lot of attention from you at present, given her situation.

Your P is an adult (although tbh he doesn't sound like much of one). You are not his mum. It sounds like he needs to grow up a bit and realise that she needs you more than he does, at the moment. How much help does he give you with her? Does he pull his weight in the house? You say he doesn't like you working "because he has to look after the kids". Well, that's what being a parent's about.

I understand that having a foster child can put stress on your family, but it sounds like he's putting even more stress on your situation with his childish behaviour.

And, btw, the appropriate response to having problems with your family and relationship is to try and talk about it with your partner. Not to announce suddenly that you want to leave, the week your partner's doing important exams. If you get the feeling he wants you to fail them, he probably does. He certainly seems to resent anything that gives you independence or gets you out of the house.

Why was your relationship rocky for the first couple of years? Were you working out of the home at that time?

I would be very surprised if he left.

He is using emotional blackmail ie:threatening to leave, to get you to do what he wants which is give up work and the fostering.

He is obviously very insecure and the not wanting to look after the kids isnt about them and the fostering isnt about your FD being a handful. Its about the fact that you arent there and he doesnt like it.

You have 3 options. Either give up your studies and your jobs and be there for him 24.7 which is what he wants. Or you can keep to your current life and be prepared for him to throw bigger and worse tantrums in an attempt to get you to change your mind. By the end of that you may well find that it is you that wants to leave.
Or you could insist on counselling to deal with his attitude to you having any form of life away from him.

Personally I wouldnt be giving in tot he blackmail and insisting on counselling.

Fine to want to spend time on your relationship, not fine (not at all) to want you never to work and to get so angry he punches things thinking about it. I suggest you try and get through the next week the best way you can, say to him, I need to put this stuff on hold as much as I can, then go and do your exams. Your fd is also leaving, which will give you some time to really sit down and try and get to the bottom of all this.

He may be feeling neglected, but unless you want to stay home tending to his ego 24/7, this isn't going to work for you. However, there is a possibility that he's exaggerating and exploding at this time point, you need to separate out the issues (sex, work, time together) and see what is fixable and what is not, as well as considering whether you personally want to go on with someone who doesn't support you in your work which obviously means a lot to you.

Sooo, he basically wants you to devote all your time, attention and energy to him and your two kids, and have nothing for yourself outside of that?

I think that you must hang onto your outside interests, because if you give up these things for his sake, your world wil become smaller and smaller and his expectations will be more and more suffocating. You need to stand firm because what you are looking for is reasonable and a fully rounded life.

I would probably drop the fostering as your current situation doesn't sound stable enough 'tho. Unless he leaves.

I've been thinking of counselling, it might be a good idea. However he tried it years ago and it didnt do much good. Maybe its time to try again.
The relationship was strained for the first couple of years because dh was lying to me a lot, meeting up with exs when he was supposed to be working, that kind of thing. I also got pregnant quite soon (8 months) into the relationship, baby was obviously unplanned and I moved back to my mum and dads for a while as dh wasn't sure whether he wanted to be involved. I was working at the time which he didn't mind but from when we moved in together he never liked me going out at night with friends etc. It never bothered me because I wasn't into going out anyway. With hindsight maybe it should have seemed odd but I didn't take too much notice cos i preferred staying in with him anyway.

Zike, I agree about the fostering. i won't be taking another child while things are like this.

'For the first couple of yrs our relationship was rocky to say the least.'

'the problems only started when I went back to work and uni.'

So you have had problems longer than the past year. I have to say I'm surprised you were approved to foster with such an unstable relationship. He doesn't sound particularly nice if I'm honest.

What a fucking hypocrite! He is mistrustful of you going out yet it was he who was lying about contact with ex girlfriends? Nice.

Honestly, I am so tired of seeing the counselling line trotted out on this board. It's not a panacea for all societies ills, no matter how much we want it to be. Some folk just are what they are, selfish.

Let him leave, he won't of course, it's blackmail, but let him try.

You sound great, doing a socially beneficial job and fostering, don't let this clown hold you back.

Given what you've said about his lying and emotional infidelity in the past, I'd say this has threat to leave might have nothing whatsoever to do with fostering or you working and might instead be indicative of an affair.

However, there are clearly worse problems here. It sounds like this is a very angry, selfish entitled man who thinks that women should be responsible for childcare, that a father deserves a medal for looking after his own kids and that women should not work or have a life of their own.

A man who really cared and loved you wouldn't drop this bombshell before major exams.

I certainly wouldn't pander to any of this nonsense or feed his selfishness and entitlement.

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