I need to 'baby proof' our marriage!

[Allegrogirl]

This is my first post in this topic so please be gentle. This isn't as serious as a lot of other posts I have seen here but I need to vent anyway.

We have DD1 3.6, very energetic and demanding. Really sweet and loving but stubborn. Everything a battle at the moment. DD2 is 7 months and has hopefully started sleeping though, well last 2 nights anyway.

I'm 37 and just started CBT for anxiety. I the had same when DD1 was 12 months. I feel exhausted from looking after the kids and from the mad way my brain works, constant worry etc. DH is 40 and suffering joint pain, severe in his knees.

We are both bad tempered and tired and our once great sex life in non existent. We play competative tiredness and I resent the fact that I try to let him rest due to his joint problems but he's still exhausted. I just don't find him very attractive these days. We still get on well, when not sniping at each other. I feel we are parents who share a house rather than husband and wife these days.

Dh started a new career and graduated from Uni in 2009. His pay isn't great and he is stressed from work, he's always stressed from work regardless of what it is! I'm due to finish mat leave in a couple of weeks and will have to deal with my bloody awful manager again which I'm dreading.

How do we invest in ourselves when we are both so tired and he is in pain??

I want to get in on your answers! We are expecting second, & our first (who is nearly 3) had a huge impact on our lovely relationship. I find myself mourning it some times. DP also about to start v stressful job, so yeah, I feel we need some babyproofing...

I have not experience of any of the above but as a single mum who had her (great!) life turned upside down by the arrival of my (great too) dc and not been able to ever find myself a partner again (nearly 7 years down the line), I would say please do treasure what you have, nourish the relationship, do not take it out on each other, your are in it together and you should alleys.
Invest in childcare at least for one decent evening of adult time and go out and do the things you always loved when you where childless. Do this right away before you get so used to be always with your children that it will feel odd to be just the 2 of you. And get whatever it takes to wind down, a glass of wine if you like that, to make sure that you have plenty of cuddles. Ask for help from family and friends, even once a month to have someone to take the children with them its a gift and you could be surprised if you ask people may actually help. Pretty basic stuff but has to be done methodically. Good luck

I'd agree with boxing, I think the greatest gift you can give your children is a strong family to grow up in - and sometimes that means focusing on your realtionship. Mind you, DH and I are not great at that ourselves so I think it is easier to know than to to do!

Agreed on the goal of having a strong relationship, it is hard when you have two little ones though and are still going through broken nights.

My suggestions, for what they are worth, are to fix any major issues rather than hoping they go away (e.g. lack of sex, jealously etc), try to get a small amount of time just the two of you (e.g. get a babysitter, get friends/family to babysit, or even look after the children in the day for an hour or two so you can go for a walk or a lunch together), look for the good in each other and congratulate yourselves on doing quite well so far (to each other).

It does get easier, a 7 month old is very little, try to get them sleeping through (I just couldn't have returned to work without my littlest sleeping through most of the time) so that you are a bit better rested.

There is a book called 'How to baby proof your marriage' you can get on Amazon. I haven't read it so can't recommend it but could possibly be worth a look at?

I've read the book above -some useful pointers - epecially on the competative tirdness
But babysitter is the way forward
and your CBT should help your end - it helped loads with me!
and I do think with very young children loads of relationships are like yours - mine is a bit and my youngest is 14 months - although doesn't sleep though
Oh and if you both can do a bit of exercise that will help with the work stress - and is DH getting help with pain - eg physio - and swimming - only front crawl not breatstroke did wonders for my knee problems

Time on your own is worth it's weight in gold. We do this

A night out once 4-6 weeks
A shopping trip alone with lunch together a few times a yr
Kids stay a gps for a night every 2-3 months
A dirty weekend once a yr or so even one night in a b&b/tent/travel lodge if money tight

Also trying to cherish family time together making memories

When dd was tiny people used to say. Make the most of this it gets harder, I thought what. Are they having a laugh! But they were right

Now I believe them when they say the little years are the best and one day knackered tho I am I will look back and wish these yrs back

This time will pass too quick then you will have yr husband back as long as you can make time, listen and communicate and enjoy.
Good luck.
Ps had relationship crisis too not so long ago so do empathise

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I do need to see past the tiredness and appreciate that I have a loving husband and 2 lovely children. I feel resentful that I worked hard to get a reasonably paid job so we could afford nice holidays and a more comfortable life but I have had to be main bread winner due to DH leaving nursing because of his joint problems. Selfish I know. Sometimes I wish I had a well paid husband to look after me.

I am really proud of DH. CRW his problems are beyond the help of physio. He needs a double knee replacement but is too young. He is considering major surgery to build up one of his knees but it's a long recovery and will lead to reduced mobility. Despite the pain he graduated with a 1st in 2009, working weekends as a nurse, and is now working in his chosen field. However he's on new graduate salary at the moment and in the current economic climate it's not great.

A big part of our problem is that on top of the usual struggles of working parents of two little ones we have his health problems as well. It seems so unfair and I try not to complain in RL as I don't want to be disloyal.

We are planning some time together in the next couple of weeks. I know I am lucky to have a husband I get on so well with and I'm sure the physical side will come back when I'm less tired and we have had some 'quality time' together. Hopefully as the baby gets older we can get an occasional night off from the GPs.

Great!!! Print this thread and then when your fed up you can get it out

Mumsnet is awesome in times of need. :)