I feel like my DP doesn't give a toss!

[tigerhead]

Hi there, I suppose i'm looking for advice/reassurance.

DP and I have been together for almost 2 yrs, no DCs, we aren't living together but we do live close by.

When we first started the relationship, everything was fab, he was attentive, caring, made lots of effort and it was an all round brilliant relationship.

Things have changed though. He's been busy with work, which is understandable, but how hard is a text/phone call? Sometimes we will go for a couple of days without talking if I don't contact him first.

It just feels like he really doesn't care. For our anniversary, I was keen to do something special, but I had to convince him to even spend the night together, nevermind go out. We ended up staying in and watching telly, no card, prezzie, nothing - which is fine, don't get me wrong, I'm not a materialistic woman at all, but I don't think it was unreasonable to expect SOMETHING. In the entire time we have been together we have never been out for a nice meal.

We don't argue, when I try and bring something up he acts hurt so I don't tak it any further. I'm just feeling really upset right now, and would appreciate any advice! Thanks ladies xx

You've never been out for a meal, in a year?

How do you normally spend your time together?

What's his job? Is it reasonable that he's spending so much time on it that he can't phone?

What do you like about him? Are you usually happy when you're with him?

What were your previous relationships like? Why did his previous relationships end?

Sorry for all the questions!

Hi Tigerhead. I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for - is it 'how can I improve this relationship' type advice or 'should I be with him or not'?

Going on what you've said, my first question would be why aren't you living together after almost 2 years? I know it's not a huge amount of time, and i don't know how old you are so maybe that's something to do with it - but I do believe that good relationships 'evolve' and move on over time. By that I mean (if it all goes well) you start off dating, you gradually see each other more and more, then your lives start to move together more, by moving in together, or getting engaged, getting married, having children, etc. I know that doesn't have to happen, and partly it depends on what you want - ie do you want to eventually be a family with him or somebody, or are you happy living on your own and planning on staying that way?

If all you want is somebody to see every couple of days and go out with, then fine, but from what you're saying, you're not happy with that. You say thing have changed (and for the worse) and that he doesn't put any effort in anymore. You're not at all out of order to expect him to continue making an effort to see you and keep in contact - after two years together I would say that's the least you deserve! He also doesn't make any effort to go out anywhere with you - and from what you're saying you have to do the running to see him at all - even on your anniversary.

It seems to me that he has done the making an effort, as far as he's concerned, to get you going out with him in the first place. But now he's 'got you' he doesn't seem to want to bother anymore. Aren't you worth more than that? If he's that inattentive after two years, how are you supposed to imagine any kind of happy future with him, ten or twenty years down the line?

I suspect (being honest here) that your relationship has run it's course - neither of you are madly in love anymore, but it's hard to accept that when you're in a comfortable habit of seeing someone. If you try to imagine your life without him, is there actually much about him that you would miss (I mean how he is now, not how he was two years ago)? Or would it just feel wierd being completely single again?

You deserve to feel wanted and needed and special to the man in your life. If he doesn't make you feel that way, there are other men out there who will. Only you know if you're happy to carry on the way you are or not. Everybody is 'nice' at the start of a relationship - that's the easy bit. What is is really like is what you are seeing now - and you can't change him, only he can do that (if he even wants to).

Sorry, just realised how long my reply is . Hope I haven't sent you to sleep with my musings!

And sorry for typos!

atswim - We usually just go to each other's house. We have, on occasion, been to the cinema, but that's it.

Sorry, I think I should have made clearer, he's currently doing a PhD, so that's what I meant by work. I don't want to stress him out because obviously he's very busy, but I don't think he is working that hard CONSTANTLY that he can't take 10 minutes out to give me a ring.

I love him to bits, he's my best friend and when we're together, the vast majority of the time, it is fantastic. It's just the parts when we're not physically together that I'm finding frustrating.

He is my first serious relationship, and his previous relationships have ended because of arguing usually, although one ex was awful.

moomoo - I'm happy with the way our arrangment are at the moment, financially etc. it doesn't make sense for us just yet to move in together, although we hope that will happen in a couple of years time, which is fine.

I suppose what I was looking for was advice on whether the relationship really has run its course, or whether there's something I ought to be doing to improve it?

Thank you for all of your responses so far!

For me the red flag is that you're not allowed to bring anything negative about your relationship up with him, as he "acts hurt". So you can't discuss where your relationship could be improved for example.

I also find it odd that in 2 yrs you have been out to the cinema together but that's about it on the outings front. Do you go out for a walk or a drink ever?

I don't think theres much you can do to improve things - other than tell him you're not happy with things and hope he does something about it.

But it is early days to feel so neglected, IMO, so that would worry me for any long term prospects. It all sounds a bit too 'low key' if you know what I mean - ie you're both young (I assume), with no children, no ties, but you hardly ever go out or have any fun!

Do you mind me asking how old you are OP?

Escallonia - It is difficult not to be able to discuss things, but I don't know whether that's his fault, or me being too afraid of causing upset. So, it could be my fault really.

We sometimes walk his flatmate's dog...!

MooMoo - I'm 22, DP is 23. I suppose I'm afraid of sounding naggy - as you said, we are both young, so I don't want to seem like a strict wife!

You're so young OP! (god that makes me sound old!). So my advice would be - try try try to use the time that you're not seeing him to go out with friends & have fun. Go clubbing with them, to the pub, do some sports, whatever. Don't sit at home brooding and waiting for him to call you.

Trust me - if you don't make the most of your free time and live it up a bit now you will regret it when you're older . Whether or not you end up staying with DP or not - having a life of your own is always a good thing.

And anyway, once he knows you're out there having fun and not sitting on your own waiting for him to call, he may suddenly find the time to start making more effort....

Well, if you are afraid of upsetting him, and he acts hurt if you do try to bring things up, then it doesn't sound to me as though you are in a very good place, tbh.

At the age of 22 you should be going out, enjoying yourselves, not tiptoeing around him, hoping he'll ring, staying in all the time.

No one else can tell you if the relationship has run its course, but if you can't even talk to him about why things have changed from the beginning, just 2 years ago, when he was attentive and charming and you had fun etc, then that in itself should tell you something shouldn't it?

Thanks MooMoo :)

I have been staying in and waiting for him to call, but I value time that I do get to spend with him so I try to keep myself available, that sounds so sad!

Do you think it's possible for him to change?

I would call him a boyfriend not a DP, but no matter. What did you do to celebrate your relationship / anniversary? We live in the 21st century not a Jane Austin novel. If you want to book up a great restaurant / night at the opera etc. - just do it, don't wait for him.

Yes he can change but only if he decides to. Even if your only motive is to jolt him into action - definitely make plans of your own. Plan a night out in town with girlfriends; anything. Don't make yourself so available to him all the time.

We've all done it, but honestly, if I could go back and do it all again, I would have never sat in 'keeping myself available' as you say. If a man really wants you, he will keep trying until he gets you - and you going out for a night won't make any difference. And he will probably definitely try much harder if he can see you have a life of your own and you're not waiting in for him.

He also has a good female friend, who he has been friends with for a long time, but he talks to her constantly, and not me. I've tried not to be jealous or over protective but it's really upsetting
I'm just afraid that she is exciting and he's bored of me :(

So he manages to find the time for her but not you? Doesn't sound like he is making you the priority you deserve to be. But that's got nothing to do with if she is or isn't exciting! And if he's 'bored' of you, he shouldn't be stringing you along.

You don't seem to have much confidence in yourself, and he doesn't seem to be doing much to help in that respect. Do you have friends you can start arranging to have a bit more of a social life with? If you've let it drift with friends a bit, are there women you know at work you can start making a bit more effort to see socially?

That in itself will do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence. Try to get out of the habit of your whole focus in life being about 'him'.

Tigerhead
Just want to add to the ladies here telling you not to wait around making yourself 'available' for this man.
I spent (or wasted rather) my youth from 21 to 26 on a man who was very similar to how your boyfriend sounds. We always did what he wanted, never went for meals, cinema, nothing. Like you I went along with it because I did'nt want to hurt his feelings and it is the BIGGEST regret of my life. Do not waste your best years trying to keep some bloody mans face straight, get out there and have a life of your own. Believe you me you can only have a good relationship when you are whole and complete as a person in your own right. Frankly this guy doesn't sound as if he makes any effort to treat you in the way he should be. You going out and doing things without him may well give him the kick up the arse he needs. If it doesn't then hey, plenty of other nice guys out there who will be happy to show you a good time.

tigerhead, you are talking yourself into settling for way too little. You say, "Don't get me wrong, I'm not a materialistic woman at all, but I don't think it was unreasonable to expect SOMETHING."

Of course it isn't unreasonable. In fact, he should have got you a card. He should be eager to give you things -- little things, big things, non-material things, silly things, things that make him think of you or things he just wants to share. By giving you nothing he is telling you he is not going to give you anything emotionally either.

Don't you see, you are doing an excellent job of convincing yourself that you can get by on whatever crumbs he tosses your way. And you are setting yourself up for a pattern of "proving" that you don't need anything from a man that, trust me, will do you no favours in life. You need to dump this guy and then you need to figure out why you don't think you're worth a guy who wants to give you the sun, the moon and the stars. Are you afraid to depend on someone? Have people let you down before?

Whatever you do, don't stay with this emotional miser.

Oh dear, I really feel in later life you will regret putting things on hold and waiting around for this guy. You should be out and about, doing things: sight-seeing, picnics in the park, partying, paint-balling, climbing mountains!

No really, life's too short to sit in by the phone.

If you fear you're too boring for him, get out and pursue some interests other than him.

If he won't let you talk to him, but blathers on to someone else, it's not a good sign.

If you have to ask at bf/gf stage, 'can he change?' then you're onto a loser, I'm afraid.

I am crying now, just because there's been a few home truths in this thread that I didn't want to admit to myself, but your replies have helped me realise that I do need to be more confident within myself.

Thank you everyone, so much for your advice.

Nobody wants you to cry Tigerhead. We just want you to see that you are a person in your own right and you deserve to have your own life, your own interests and to have a boyfriend who want's to take you out and show you off to the world. Not hide away in the house during the prime years of your lives.

He will probably look back and think 'Christ didn't I waste my time?'. We don't want you to make the same mistake.

Oh and with regards to the female friend, don't even bother 'Trying' to not get upset. Be bloody annoyed because if he is spending more time talking to her than you then you have every sodding right to be furious! If he acts 'hurt' then tough luck for him. Honestly I was the most unconfident person in the world at your age and even then I wouldn't have put up with a boyfriend who had more time for a female friend than for me. It's the sort of situation that is guaranteed to make an unconfident person even LESS confident and that is no good for you at all.

Get out and about and live your life, don't sit by the phone, hell don't even get in touch with your boyfriend, wait for him to come to you. If and when he does tell him that the next time you meet up you want to go out (pub, resturant, wherever you want). If he makes up an excuse then tell him he won't be seeing you at all in that case as you are sick of sitting in all the time like a pair of 90 years olds. If he still doesn't want to go then make arrangements to do something with friends. The shock will probably kill him!

Oh tiger it will get better x

Aww, I bet a lot of us have done the same sort of thing, tiger.

For example, I remember I went to a festival with my mates and my bf & his mates. There was a band on I really wanted to see, they were my favourite band at the time. Bf wanted to go for a nap, and I went with him. If only I could go back and slap myself silly! [biggrin] I remember lying there after a quick shag, hearing them in the far-off distance. Argh. I never did see them live.

He wouldn't have been bothered if I'd gone, and I could have had both! [biggrin] Silly me. I know this is a trivial tale in the scale of things, but you don't want to be looking back at years of your life feeling regret about time wasted.

blimey I contrast this relationship to my daughter's

they dont live together and are the same age as OP. Boyfriend saved up and paid for them to go to Antigua for her 21st, this year they are going to Las Vegas and they are always out and about having fun, going on weekends, meals out, concerts, you name it.

Early years before kids are supposed to be about fun and laughter not sitting in watching telly, there's enough of that when you're tied down with a couple of kids.

Bin him, get someone who likes you and who likes life!

I can only echo what everyone else has said. I was in your situation 15 years ago, OH doing a PhD, staying in and working hard. I thought it would be a temporary situation, and he always said he would have more time for me after the PhD was finished. Here I am many years later and we still haven't been out! I'm married to a workaholic who has finally admitted that I am not a priority for him. Thing is at the time I thought I was doing the right thing in supporting him, because we are conditoned to believe that working hard at your education is the right thing to do, and then you will have plenty of time to enjoy yourself later. The reality is that if you are in a job requiring postgrad, you may never have much spare time and the situation will probably not improve over time. Combine this with a workaholic personality and a man who doesn't make you a priority in his life and it doesn't bode well.

I strongly believe that you need to have good times at the start of a relationship to look back on to help you through the tough times we all face later on. If you don't have that, something isn't right. It is awful not to be able to look back and say 'do you remember when we did such and such, or went to so and so?'

Like yours, my OH also made time for other people but not me. I thought I was being reasonable and unmaterialistic, when in fact I was selling myself short and being a mug. I wish somebody had pointed all this out to me at the time, because it has taken me a hell of a long time to figure it out for myself.

Also bear in mind that you teach people how to treat you, so when you just put up with this third-rate treatment from him, you are effectively teaching him that that is an acceptable way to treat you, but it isn't.

Please don't waste any more time on him. You are only 22 (the same age I was when I met OH) and you have your whole life ahead of you. I don't want to sound patronising but you should be out having fun at your age.

He won't change. I hope I am not being too harsh but please don't make the same mistakes I made or you will live to regret it.

Tiger sorry I had to leave the thread last night - hope you're feeling ok this morning.

You're not the first young woman to put up with being treated pretty shoddily by a man so don't beat yourself up over it. But you do now have the choice to do something about it. You're not happy, so what have you got to lose?

Tell yourself you will just do one thing differently this weekend. Don't ring him & ask around at work or with other friends about what nights out are happening - Friday's coming up so there will be something going on!

You're not going to feel better straight away, but you will in time, and in the mean time, just keep telling yourself that you deserve better than this!

We've all been there - keep in touch and good luck