How long do you give a troubled relationship????

[ilikeshoes]

Really could do with some advice, i am currently in my 3rd (what i would class as ) serious relationship, i have a ds 6 from first long term relationship, he does not have contact with father, i have been with current partner for a year and half, and lately we are beginning to have diffrences that are causing problems and i feel he is being selfish without going into too much detail, how much time should you give a relationship to work, i am 31 and do not want to confuse my son anymore would rather be single if it's not going to work, but don't want to judge my partner on previous partners and give up that easily.Thankyou for any advice

I don't think you can put a timescale on it. Only you know if the relationship is worth saving. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

Tonight a couple of hours ago, not about how long i am willing to give it, just about how i feel, he walked away i text him to say that if you have really upset one it's not a good idea to walk away, he has'nt replied which to me kind of says it all. I am not scared of being single,i just hoped it would work i love him he makes me happy, and my son loves him, if i had'nt got my son i do not think i would even be concidering how long to give it.

I don't really see what the problem is here? Doesn't sound like your relationship has gone sour, so why are you worrying about how long to give it? Is he generally nice to you? What is the main issue?

He is generally nice to me we get on well, it comes down to money and commitment, he says he wants to commit, but wants to spend thousands on a bike he already has a van and a car not inviting me to family meals, (christmas day a major one) there are lots of things really, we have'nt a house together i have my own,but i suppose i just don't want to waste my time and have another failed relationship and usually from past experience when men start putting things and other people before their partner it kind of goes down hill from there, however i don't want my past relationships to tarnish this one i no i am definately more critical and synical of men, just wondered wether it was worth trying to make it work and trying to make him see my point of view or am i just waisting my time like in the past.

Oh ok I see. I can see your point, you think that if he isn't prepared to commit to you and your DS that there may be little point carrying it on as in time it'll fizzle out anyway, so you are thinking you may as well pull the plug on it before DS gets even more attached.
I think you need to have a full and frank discussion with him, lock him in a room if he has a problem with walking away but really you have to let him have a chance to change things before you make your decision.
Good luck

daydreaming, thankyou yes you have hit the nail on the head i should of described it better, he defeinately knows how i feel i have discussed it with him and have been frank from the beginning because of my son, but yes when things start to go wrong i do think should i really be carrying on waiting for him to commit and hope things will change, but i suppose i should be more optomistic and believe in men a little more, find that very hard though.

Hmm. It depends what the 'trouble' is. IF it's a case of someone being dishonest, really selfish, violent (even if it's 'only now and again') being addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling then just dump and move on. It is not your responsibility to fix someone with big problems: you have DC to prioritize, and your own needs too.
It sounds like the biggest problem in your case is that you are keener to commit than this man is. Some people want to commit ie move in, marry and have DC together fairly quickly which is not always a good idea, some people don't want to commit that deeply at all. I think your best bet is to give yourself a time limit, after which you will disengage from the relationship if there's no deeper commitment - but don't spend the next few weeks, months or whatever hinting, whining or nagging about how much you want a ring on your finger or a shared mortgage or whatever. You've told him how you feel, he will either commit to you or he won't.
He is not necessarily a bad person for not wanting to commit BTW, but it is very bad for your self-respect and every other aspect of yourself to spend years trying to make a reluctant partner love you enough to marry and breed with you: better to take control and move on if what you want is not forthcoming.

Thats really good advice thankyou, i don't want to rush into marriage or shared house, i think setting a time limit a very good idea, it's just hard to move on and get on with things when there are things playing on your mind, i am not one to nag though far too busy. But i will set a time limit and see how things go, thankyou