New Relationship

[ButterskinMute]

Hi Everyone

I'd be really grateful for some perspective on my new relationship.

My background is I'm in my late 40's, been seperated/divorced for 2 years, was in an emotionally abusive relationship/marriage for almost 26 years, preceded by a mildly dysfunctional childhood and family life.

This has left me with low self-confidence and self-esteem, plus no template for a healthy relationship which means I get quite confused. I have spent 2 years working on myself, researching and reading and having psychotherapy so I'm in a lot better place now.

I expected to be single for the rest of my life but unexpectedly started to date a nice man who i'd known through work for a number of years. We've been seeing each other for 5 months now but.....

There's a couple of things that are bothering me and I don't know if I'm worrying about nothing because I'm not sure what I'm doing in relationships. Or whether they are big problems.

NM is about 10 years older than me, has no children and has been on his own for a long time. He has also had a previous relationship with a single parent and understands completely that I will always put my children first (they are 12 and 21).

NM shares a house with one of his work colleagues and has his own property in another part of the country. We cannot go back to his place if his housemate is there, because NM says it will not be fair for him to bring someone back, as that is not the arrangement they have.

NM also is not happy to come to my place at the moment, until he has met my children, and even then he is wary about coming into my children's home because of how they may feel about this. My elder child is actually very unhappy at the thought of me dating and we avoid the topic.

However, he has stayed with me for a few days when the children went away on two occasions. This is very rare as I have an arrangement with my ExH where I have our youngest child every Friday and Saturday so I don't often get out.

We tend to meet in pubs after work and on a Sunday when I am free, on a few occasions we have gone to a hotel overnight when my youngest daughter has been on a sleepover, for example. I am now becoming increasingly fed up of always going to pubs, he does not drink a lot, but I can see that in the years he has been single, the pub has become a way of life for him and almost his "family".

it is very difficult only seeing someone in a pub, because it's difficult to talk on a more personal level or to have any physical contact, a kiss or a hug. Maybe this sounds silly?

NM says that he has been trying to sell his house for 6 months and now is trying to rent it out, so that he can move to my area permanently and get his own place that we could spend some time in. Although he is a very kind, generous person, I cannot see any evidence he is trying to let his property. For example, the agent he says it is with does not list the house on their website.

He also has never talked about taking me to his property which is in a beautiful part of the world, so ideal for a holiday, but often offers it to friends to stay in.

I think my main concerns are where is this relationship going? how are we ever going to be able to spend anytime together which doesn't involve being in a pub? Am I trying to move too fast? Am I being needy and clingy as this is how I feel I will come over if I am not careful. I have not voiced any of my concerns above to him because I don't want him to think I am pushy etc.

My instincts, which can't always be relied upon as I am prone to paranoia, tell me that he is very happy with seeing me at the pub and although he tells me he loves me, wants us to spend the rest of our lives together, live a "normal" family life - it's not going to happen.

Thanks to anyone who has read my confused ramblings and can help me sort out my feelings!

Hi Butterskin, well tbh he doesn't sound that keen to me sorry. He obviously likes having a separate life which is fine if it's what both of you want but you don't do you. If he offers his house out as a holiday home have you asked him about both of you having a break there? Are you saying that you only get to see him if you trail along to the pub where he is?

Hi Singing

No it's not quite as bad as that.

He always collects me to go on a date, he's polished his car and warmed it up for me if it's cold. He always brings me flowers or chocolates or something for my daughter. But we always go to a pub. He loves pubs, he loves chatting to people he meets there and he always says he loves me to come with him - so it's not like he's trying to get away from me. He's also not an alcoholic.

I just find it very difficult being in a relationship where we are like two teenagers who have to meet somewhere and can't go back to each others' houses. May be this is not abnormal though for a relationship where the woman has children from another marriage and isn't ready to introduce them to the new partner?

I haven't asked if we can go away to his house for a break because he usually books us into a hotel if we get a chance to go away together. - But I will!!

He is very generous and pays for everything. He tells me he loves me everyday face to face or by text, he wants us to be together and live together for at least part of the week (which would suit me very well too!).

But I can't see it happening. He doesn't seem to be making the effort to get his house rented out.

I think I am making this worse by getting very frustrated and impatient. I am a person who gets things sorted out and I see his slowness and lack of concern as a sign of him not caring. Also I think I am expecting him to sort everything out, which is not fair I guess.

The other thing is I am not communicating my frustrations to him because I am worried he will think I am rushing him (which I probably am) but it is making me miserable and I probably should say somethnig to him.

Sorry to be so confusing!!

oh dear. Are you really sure he shares a house with whom he says he does? have you had evidence of this? have you ever spoken to this person when you have phoned maybe? have you looked at www.192.com to check the electoral roll?

My instinct is that he may not be on his own at all.

If this is not the case, then i think you need to set yourself higher expectations, and really think about what is going on.

For a start, your kds should not have this emotional control over you- you are a woman as well as amother. you have been on your own for 2 years. the eldest is 21- surely they will understand that at some point you may meet another man? They need to get used to the idea. stop protecting them from the facts.

I can see that you don't want noisy sex with them in the house- so yes, go away, or go to this man's home.

But- is all he offering you a night at the pub? I am sorry but it does sound as if you are being used- for sex and some company and not a lot else.

If he owns his home and has a lodger then he is a bit of a wimp to be telling you he "can't take a woman back". FGS- he is not some 20 yr old.

I hope I am wrong- but all the flowers and choc and so on- but keeping his real life a secret seems very suspicious to me. If i were you I'd be making discreet enquiries and finding out if he is really alone.

Hi Cabbageroses

Do you think it is reasonable to bring a man I have been dating for 5 months back to my house to watch TV or have a meal (perhaps not to spend the night initially)?

My 21 yo son's girlfriend has stayed at our house for 2 - 3 nights a week for the past two years by the way, and he often has friends back.

I think the NM is nervous about this because he had a previous relationship with a single parent where he moved in and found the older children in their 20's difficult to deal with.

I have been to the house the NM is sharing when the housemate has been away. The NM is well known to my work colleagues and some of my other friends and he definitely does not have another lady and he definitely lives with the housemate who I have met once.

It's more a case of him being embarrassed I think to take a ladyfriend back. He's been a single man for a long while and seems a bit clueless in some areas.

NM is taking me on a luxury holiday soon to an exotic location. He is very attentive, always asks me about my day. Kind and generous. Very unselfish in the bedroom.

Do you think he is using me for sex and some company? - or could he just be set in his ways after being alone for a long time and just not very imaginative about where to go on a date, other than pubs (not just the same one, different pubs, some very nice pubs!). I don't know what to think.

I'm really interested in other people's opinions as having been with an emotional abusive man for years, I find it hard to assess people. This NM seems to be so perfect, except there is something not quite right, and I think I feel undervalued because he takes me to pubs all the time. But to be fair I haven't yet told him how I feel and don't quite know what to do!!!

Hi

I am glad that you know he is living with the housemate.

Many years back I went out with a separated man. he never took me to his home and as I was living with my parents at the time, it was tricky. He told me that he was sharing a house with a man . I got suspcious over the months and paid an unexpected visit- turned out his wife had come back:(

I am not sure about your NM , TBH.

On the surface he is being the perfect gent- flowers, chocs, holidays away- you lucky thing!

On the other hand, as you say- something is not quite right, is it?

You sound lovely- if maybe a tad too trusting but your guts are telling you the right thing.

How much of his history do you know? You see, maybe he is genuinely embarrassed to take a woman back to his home- or maybe he has had lots back and the lodger is fed up ! The lodger is just that is he- no possibility of them being a bi/gay couple?

TBH, I would not think too much of a man who is what- late 50s- who cannot sort out his living arrangements to accommodate dating. Surely he should be living on his own at his age if he wants to date?

I think you need to have a chat with your kids. Tell them gently that you are getting back on the dating scene and that you may well bring a man home- for a coffee or a meal. I think he would have to be around for a few more months before they would accept him staying the night. You are both very caring to think of your children- some couples would just get on with it- and blow the kids!

When you see him- does he suggest pubs? Does he never ask what you would like to do? Most dates work along the lines of "What would you like to do next time? Theatre, film, concert, exhibition, meal somewhere?"

Have you not said that you are bored with the pub and would like to try another kind of date?

Pubs are very unimaginative. Do you think he doesn't want to be alone with you- if he wants to talk to other people? Is he shy? Or no good at conversation?

I would also be wary of a man declarying love after 5 months- especially one who has been on his own for so long. it's as if he is in love with the idea, rather than the reality of it all. if he really loved you he would be booting out his lodger- or giving him notice- so you could spend proper time together.

what do you think?

I've been thinking about what you said Cabbage Rose, and this is what resonates the most:-

"TBH, I would not think too much of a man who is what- late 50s- who cannot sort out his living arrangements to accommodate dating. Surely he should be living on his own at his age if he wants to date?"

There are good reasons why the NM is sharing a house with a housemate, because he is living away from the house he owns and wanted to split the costs. The housemate is a family friend of his, I'm certain they are not gay.

However, he is not making much of an effort to rent or buy a property of his own, which is what he has said he will do. This is why I feel saddened as though I am not worth it, though I suppose it is a lot to expect someone to do if we have only been dating for 5 months.

But what I have done is to be a bit more assertive about the situation. I have asked if he will take me to his house over the easter break and he said yes, although backtracked a bit because it is a long drive away.

I have asked if I can come to the house he shares, so that I can have a go at the craft-type hobby that he does, and he was pleased and said yes, my housemate won't mind that at all. So he is worried about overnight stays more than anything. I have met the housemate once before.

I also said to NM that I would speak to DS about NM coming to my house for a meal or an evening and introduce him slowly, NM said that's fine as long as DS is not upset. We are both quite nervous about it.

Finally, I said that I am getting a bit bored of going to pubs all the time and NM said lets try something else - so I think it was more a case of him not even thinking pubs might not be the most thrilling thing for me.

So I suppose really both of us are worrying a lot about the impact our relationship will have on others who share our living space, to our own detriment.

Hi Butterskin

You sound as though you are working things out okay, and your NM may well be a keeper. I just wanted to show some solidarity with you.

After 28 years with my DH I am now single again and finding handling a new relationship very tricky. It is hard to trust your judgement when it has been shown to be so flawed in the past. I wasn't looking for anyone it just seems to have happened by chance that a lovely man has come along and laid siege to me!

I am hoping the answer is to go very slowly and to double check with the NM whether things are OK. Mine says we are a "recycled couple" and is very cheery about it all.

Can you talk to your NM? Tell him your anxieties and ask for his help? Surely that would be the straightforward way to sort it out?

LittleHouseByTheRiver

Recycled couple is a brilliant way to describe it!! It is very strange to be dating again after such a long time and I don't think i am very good at it! I wish you lots of luck with your NM, he sounds lovely too.

I can talk to NM, I am not the least bit frightened of him and he won't go off into a sulk if I say somethnig he doesn't like which is how my Ex was.

I am aware from the 2 years I had "working on myself" that I have very poor boundaries. In the past I would have been completely and totally honest, but now I am a little more guarded about what I say.

I am the one who wants to move quickly, I think he being a bit older and having been on his own for a while is much more cautious and like your NM is cheery and takes things in his stride.

I find this frustrating and have a tendency to get panicky and think he is cooling off. But I don't want to tell him this in case he thinks I am needy and clingy (which I probably am!).

I have actually got a lot better in the last 5 months, as when I first met him I kept thinking he would go off me, find me boring or unattractive, got upset if he didn't text me back immediately. but because he is 100% reliable and I know he does love me and is always concerned for me, I gradually feel a lot more secure.

I am also learning to talk to him about how I feel in a more measured way and to stop panicking about the relationship.

I am finding all your comments and suggestions to be a really helpful way to sort out my thoughts and feelings so thank you.

LittleHouse - do you have any children and if so how are you and they coping with your new relationship?

I'm glad you have found it helpful posting.

I have 3 DC in late teens who are living with their DF in our family home while I am down the road by myself. ExH is seeing someone and they have been very clear they think this is gross and don't want to meet her unless she is a permanent feature. They are still upset we have split up, understandably.

I have told them I have met someone and got the same response. So I intend to keep him apart from them until I am more sure about him. He is such a laid back character I can't see there being a problem for him, and as for teenagers if they want to have a rant they will find a reason!

My view is that you have a right to friends of your own and they need to understand that, but having him sleep over when they are resentful or upset would be difficult and maybe needs talking through first.

Going slowly seems to be the answer.

Incidentally I did just the same thing with the needy panicking. Every time NM gives me lots of reassurance and it gets easier to be calm the next time. But he is the one pushing for a proper relationship whereas I was just looking for some fun after a long dark winter of the soul!

I think the pub-going might be something you have to embrace and enjoy: I should try to get to know the regulars he knows.

I'm not saying you can't mix it up and in fact, I think you should take the lead by arranging to go other places you fancy sometimes, but he sounds like pubs are his thing, his comfort zone.

I think he sounds bloomin lovely

He's just out of practice, and had a rocky experience with past single mum. I do think you need to tiptoe a lot less around your own kids though.

You are the mum, the adult of the house, what you say goes (withing reason obviously) Have him over to dinner, and be normal.

Come right out with it, say to him ' I would love us to spend a few days at your holiday home, practice for being together if we like it' or something.

He needs you to dictate the pace I think, but so far he sounds lovely and you may be over thinking this. I understand why. Just give him a nudge.