The old differing sex drives topic, am feeling a bit hurt and confused

[headache]

Am a regular but namechanging as sensitive topic but need some women really to talk to about it as have noone in RL.

Anyway it's the odd differing sex drives, DH and I are at odds about it as usual. Basically he wants sex all the time I don't. He also wants a lot more passion and cuddles/kissing and I don't really.

We have 4 DC of 6 and under, DC4 is a nightmare sleeper, never slept through the night, hard to settle at night to go to sleep, touch and go whether he stays awake or wakes up before we go to bed, usually up at least twice in the night if mot more. To be fair to DH he does more than his fair share of getting up to see to him.

So by the time we settle others and I settle DC4 (breastfeeding), look out things for the next day/essential tidying up at night it can be gone 9pm, given that we go to bed at 10.30pm I get an hour and a bit to myself a day, all I feel like doing is curling up with a book or sitting at the pc undisturbed for a bit. After running about and having 4 DC crawl over me all day I just want to sit, not suddenly turn into this sex kitten.

I know he is not being unreasonable but in the past I have said sex once a week would be ok but we are nowhere near this 3 times this year. He says he doesn't know what to do about it to approach me etc, so has left it all up to me apart from the usual digs every day, it's actually got to the stage where I dread the DC going to bed as it's always there.

2 weeks ago I went and bought some new nice lingerie for our anniversary and we did have sex but haven't since and he is moaning and having the digs again. He know says even if I do initiate sex he will feel like it's a chore for me and he doesn't want to have sex with somoene who is only doing it out of obligation.

But I really do not want to.

It all came to a head again last night with him off on one about it again. The thing is the more he goes on and says the hurtful little comments the less likely I want to have sex with him anyway. Things like I was watching a programme with a lot of sex in it and he was like "why do you like that, it's got SEX in it!?"

He know said he isn't going to mention sex at all now but nothing is going to happen anyway as he's said all this in the past and nothing happens, oh and then said "well I'm not going to do as much round the house now as well" which really annoyed me like it's some sort of bargaining tool.

I tried to tell him that from what I know this is normal four young DC, no family help, DC4 is in with us and DH doesn't like to do the deed in front of him (even when sleeping) so that leaves the living room floor :S and I'm also terrified of getting pregnant again even with condoms. Oh and I have had PND and was on antidepressants. I have said to him that hopefully my sex drive will return soon but I don't know when.

Thanks for listening.

I know what you mean about just wanting some time and space to yourself to sit down with a book or something. I think that's totally normal, and I'm like this when stressed/busy.

He needs to understand though that he's making things worse with his attitude. I'm sure it's frustrating for him, but he's not helping himself by being like this, he's making things worse and putting you off intimacy with him even more with his digs and comments. I am at his comment about doing less around the house, that's really quite an offensive and stupid thing to say.

Does he ever look after the children so you can go out, or take them out so you can have a bit of quiet time at home on your own? Would he do that if you asked? (assuming you'd like him to?). And I mean as a way of helping you feel better generally, not as something for him to do in exchange for sex, which is how he might see it...

Yes he does take the DC so I can have some time on my own. We don't have any babysitters so going out together has never happened.

I have said to him all these little digs aren't helping to which he replied "well I'm going to say NOTHING about sex from now on, it's not like it is going to happen anyway"

I am really pissed off with the helping around the house comment as well.

What upset me as well as once we had sex on a Saturday night (once) so from then on it was "oh it's Saturday or bust, we cannot have it any other night then?" then we had it on a Friday and it changed to "weekend or bust!" maybe we should have it on a Tuesday and it would be "Tuesday, weekend or bust!"

He says I make no effort in our relationship at all, he doesn't feel he is in a relationship with me and we are coworkers. He says if I spent less time reading my book/on facebook/answering a couple of texts and more time on our relationship (and not just sex) things would be better. Whilst I am not like a lovesick teenager I always make time to talk to him about his day etc

Poor you. He sounds a bit unreasonable with his comments tbh. He needs to work on the relationship as much as you do!

Doesn't he realise that helping you around the house, rather than not helping, would make you far more likely to have sex?

Your sex drive is probably low because you are breastfeeding. I found mine really returned when I stopped.

I am in a very similar situation, except I'm in your husbands shoes! In the past I sometimes made comments too out of frustration and anger at my partner, and also as I didn't really fully understand why he had intimacy problems towards me. You two should sit down (when the kids are away/sleeping) and have a proper conversation about all of this, explain your feelings towards being intimate, how difficult you find the children at times, how tired you are, etc.....and listen to his thoughts and feelings too. Then yous could discuss how to change the situation, spend more time just the two of you even just one night a week, romantic dates (if yous can't get a sitter then cook nice meals for each other once the kids are in bed), even maybe try sex therapy if nothing else helps, and definitely try and get your own bed back for just the two of you!

That is the only advice I can think of really but I hope it was useful and yous two can sort something out.

I think first of all you need to make certain that you can't get pregnant, if this is a fear. I don't think condoms add much to a sexual experience and don't seem to be very reliable, either. Is there anything else you can do instead?

Then I think you need to think about the baby in the bedroom. I don't blame him for not wanting to have sex with the baby there. Is there any way you could make your bedroom an adult place? It's hard to feel in the mood when there's a baby right next to you, even if he/she's asleep.

Then: "He says if I spent less time reading my book/on facebook/answering a couple of texts and more time on our relationship (and not just sex) things would be better."

Maybe he's right? How much time do you spend doing those things? You must be busy with all your children - is he right thinking you don't have any time for him? Going onto Facebook etc is a solitary experience - nobody wants to be in a room with someone who's wrapped up in it. Could you have half an hour a day when you do go on, maybe when he's not there anyway, and spend more time chatting to him or watching a film together etc?

Nothing is more offputting than someone whining for sex. However, when a man is constantly digging and pestering and whining, there's often something else going on within the relationship: have you told him that there are things he could do to make you feel more inclined to have sex with him? And if so, has he made any attempt to do these things? If you have told him how you feel and he has not changed his behaviour but kept on with the whining and nasty comments then it isn't sex he wants - what he is actually after is your distress. He wants to make you unhappy, unsettled and uncomfortable.

However, if you have been ignoring him in favour of FB/MN/a book (ie two or three hours a night or something) then maybe you need to have a think about whether there are compromises you could both make and are both willing to make.

Pressurising somebody into sex they dont want is sexually abusive behaviour . If he actually wanted more sex with you he would be making an effort , considering you dont like his snide comments and they arent resulting in more sex i think you have to ask yourself what his motivation actually is for continuing.

As spring chicken says , some men do this to purposeley cause you distress , some do it to justify an affair ( my wife wouldnt have sex with me ) and others do it to humiliate you and reduce you to a fanjo and a pair of tits .

Him threatening to do nothing around the house because you wont have sex with him is emotionally abusive , your baby sounds quite young and the last thing you need is this constant bombardment from this man who thinks youyr there to service his knob . In my experience this sort of insidious abuse rateley occurs alone , how are things in other areas of your relationship ?