Separated and sharing house = hell

[MonicaDickens]

Am stuck. H is being made redundant in 2 months & everything is on hold. Am not in the UK & have seen a lawyer here, I have to wait & see what income we'll have, if he gets another job & if we can afford to keep the house. I found a job but only part-time & have been looking for another job, not easy here.

We have 3 children, 14, 12, 8. Lately he's been seeing someone else & I am genuinely pleased for him. I was the one who ended the marriage & it took him a long time to accept that. He moved out, then back in, saying he paid for it so he was going to stay here. Till we get the finances sorted I cannot just take the children & leave. Things aren't like that here, bloody wish they were.

In the last few weeks he's stayed out till 1/2 am, fine. Then he started staying away at weekends, again - fine, as long as the children aren't expecting to do stuff with him & waiting for him & he's not there. He used to text me if he'd not be coming home, now he doesn't. He doesn't tell the children either.

Last weekend he went out for an hour on Saturday & came home yesterday, Monday, after work. Was here for an hour in the evening & went out again. I had a meeting to go to, he called to say he wouldn't make it home before I left at 7.45pm, it would be more like 8.30.

I said, fine, S1 is here (he's 14) & S2 is 12, D is 8, no big deal if you're a bit late. He never did bedtime or stories with any of them, I still do with D. I was in the village at the school & the boys have my mobile no., know to go to our neighbours if worried & can't get me immediately etc.

I came home at 11pm after the meeting, no H. Didn't come home all night. I asked S1 this morning, casually, was S2 ok (has been v unsettled by the break-up) & was D OK? Did Dad call again? No.

Fuck. Not sure why I'm writing this.
Except to ask myself, how did it come to this?
What fuckwit of a father says he'll be home at 8.30, knew I'd tell the children that & stays out all night?

I know he's angry with me, I met someone else 2 years ago. We had been flailing around for years, I really did try to make things work. I wanted to be sure I tried everything to right what was wrong in our marriage, we had counselling, tried & struggled. It didn't work out with the other, still I knew my marriage was over. Thought the best thing was to try for the most amicable split for the children's sake.

It's all going round & round in my head.
Wisdom please, MNetters.

This sounds very tiresome for you. The problem is, of course, that your H is doing all this stuff deliberately. He is still punishing you for not being his obedient possession any more.
Actually, given the ages of your DC, the best way to deal with the XH is basically to ignore his behaviour unless it upsets the DC (ie he is letting them down by missing outings etc that they are looking forward to) in which case point out to him politely and firmly that his DC have done nothing wrong and he should stop taking his issues out on them. At the moment, the XH is trying to get a reaction out of you, because you are supposed to focus on him. If you stop reacting in any way other than polite indifference, he will either stop acting like a toddler, or his behaviour will worsen to the point you can get him forcibly removed from the house.

SGB, hoped you'd post.

Oh yes to his taking issues out on them. The last time we talked was surreal.

Me: We have 3 children & we are both responsible for them
H: No, you are. You ended the marriage.

And round and round.

Polite Indifference is what finally made him accept the relationship was over & now he has a new partner. Highly recommended.

Sounds flippant.

Thanks for your reply.

Don't rely on him for anything any more.

What are you doing by way of domestic servicing? Is he expecting you to cook his meals, do his washing, etc? If so, you need to insist that he treats you with basic courtesy, and withdraw services if he doesn't. Basic courtsey includes not vanishing when other people are waiting for you because you have an arrangement with them (ie if he has promised to take DC somewhere, he should let them know that he is not going to make it).

Do bear in mind that, maddening though his behaviour is, it must be making it very clear to you how right you were to dump this selfish, childish bellend.

I don't rely on him for anything but to be here if I'm not - because of d being left alone, or at least tell me he'll be out so I know when the boys ask me.

The boys are in & out & off with friends & so they should be. They call or text. D's not old enough for that. Last night I was just surprised, it was a school night & the first time he'd actually called to say "I'll be home at x o'clock" and then stayed out, even though I know the children were fine.

The last 18 months we've had separate rooms on different floors. I don't do his laundry, never cleaned his room or bathroom. I want us to eat as a family, the children & I at least so I cook/prepare an evening meal, if he's here he eats with us. Anything else he gets himself.

I think I'm on edge because I want an end to this, I want a clean break. And I think we're shite parents the way we are. D & S2 didn't even comment on his being away at the weekend, he usually tells them he's off sailing or whatever. After a massive outpouring of paternal care, games & hugs & late-night films, he's back to the way it always was with them & I suppose I just feel down-hearted on their behalf.

Am off to work, many thanks for the replies.
Yes, I've known for years he's a childish selfish arse. Just feel rather trapped till we sort out the finances & that's not what I envisaged - bloody frustrating.

Right, what's going on here is the wanker is hunting for ways to annoy you. Because actually you are coping just fine, showing no signs of regret or vulnerablitity, so this immature arsehole is upping his game because he can't bear the thought of you being OK, he has to jump in and go 'Mememememe! Me! Me!' and insist on attention, even if it's negative attention, hence the telling you he was going to be home and then not coming home.
So have a quiet back up plan in place, and carry on treating him with calm smiling indifference. Best of luck.

"MeMeMe" - yes. I can even objectively see (if not condone) why he acts like that. I ended the marriage, I fell for someone else & he spent a long time hoping I'd go back to him. Now he has someone else & evidently enjoys my being the one who wonders where HE is. Not that I do, but I think he finds it important.

I mentioned last night to him. Calmly said that he'd called me to say he'd be late but was coming home & that's what I told the children when I went out to my meeting. He then stayed out all night. His first reaction was that S1 could have called him & I said, "No, he shouldn't have to. Plus he's in his room & fine but it's S2 & D who need to know that a parent is there."

No histrionics, no fight, he agreed, "I won't do that again, I'll call them & text you."
He's got his drinking under control, only had 1 drunken outburst in the last month & if his new partner is the cause of that, then that's great.

My head's reeling. I'll probably be on MN a lot over the next few weeks. It was a great help this morning when I just had this sinking feeling, "What the hell has my life become?"

Many thanks again for the advice.

Good luck. Just keep up the calm smiling indifference and if he does anything witless like this again, remind him calmly that he's upsetting the DC and never react on your own account. Remember there is, by the sound of it, a time limit on how long you are going to have to put up with him in the house.