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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to know anything about my past

21 replies

mardifish · 11/04/2011 23:02

I'm in my mid forties and met someone my age a few weeks ago who so far has been lovely. Very respectful, willing to take things at my pace, pays me lovely compliments, the first man who makes me laugh so much that my stomach hurts, handsome, sexy etc. the list can go on and on, but in a nutshell it feels the most natural thing to be together...and most importantly no hassle/drama or angst.

Both of us have been single for a while, however there's a niggling thing that I'm really not sure if I should be wary of. Obviously at our ages we both have past relationships...and children...mine he would love to meet, and although they are older and it has been a couple of months I still feel that it's a little too soon. The niggle is that he doesn't want to hear about any past relationships that I've had, not any detail. I don't feel a need to particularily talk about them in any great length as they are the past, however they are part of what has formed me into the person that I am now(just as with any of lifes experiences) The reason that he gives is that he would find it hard to listen to, is this normal, do other people get this? or is this a warning of something else??

OP posts:
Grevling · 11/04/2011 23:05

Maybe he just doesn't care....not in a bad way though. Presumably he likes you for you and doesn't want to hear about Carlos who you met in 1984?

Maybe he doesn't want to tell you about his past which is the only thing I would be worried about.

seachange · 11/04/2011 23:09

I'm not sure about the significance, I know perhaps men don't want/need as much detail about those types of thing than women (horrible generalisation, shoot me!) but I would be wary of anyone who tried to proscribe what I could or couldn't talk about. That sounds quite controlling to me.

seachange · 11/04/2011 23:10

Did I mean dictate instead of proscribe? Sorry, you know what I mean! I would take this one slowly, anyway.

BluddyMoFo · 11/04/2011 23:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mardifish · 11/04/2011 23:22

As pathetic as it sounds for a woman of my age, I've never had a 'healthy' relationship and I'm really not sure if I'm looking for a problem where there really isn't one. Also I freely admit that I do like to know the ins and outs of everything (read cautious) and so this is a new approach for me. He tells me that he thinks I'm perfect, I'm not...far from it...and so I'm wary that he's trying to fit me into his idea of 'the perfect woman'....and that's only going to lead to disappointment.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 11/04/2011 23:31

This reply has been deleted

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pickgo · 11/04/2011 23:34

I'd be more wary of that last - that you're perfect. As others have said take it slowly and certainly don't do anything serious until he's saying you're not perfect but loves you warts and all!
Maybe you should volunteer some info about a previous relationship and see what his reaction is?

TheFarSide · 11/04/2011 23:35

Why would he find it hard to listen to you talk about your past relationships? Does he mean he might become jealous? I would just ask him what he means. Good communication is part of a healthy relationship (so I'm told Smile ).

Anniegetyourgun · 12/04/2011 08:29

The occasional threads on here about "red flags when dating" include always talking about exes (there goes my chance of a second date with anyone ever, as I can't stop going on about mine!). Don't be a red flag woman!

Agree with TheFarSide, if you are worried then ask why he is uncomfortable with the subject. If the answer is something like "because it's none of my business", you've got a good'un. If it's closer to "because the thought of you with another man ever makes me physically sick", then watch out for further red flags. I'd say as long as he accepts that you do have a past, and a perfect right to have one, that's a good sign. He doesn't need to know any details, why should he particularly want to?

VivaLeBeaver · 12/04/2011 08:31

Well I've been married 10 years and never talked to my DH about my exes, nor has he spoken to me about his. I never thought it was a problem, infact I'd have thought it odd if he had wanted to discuss them.

RingEir · 12/04/2011 08:44

My DH is exactly like this. He literally stiffens when I mention one of my ex-bfs. I thought this was a bit strange at first, and we did talk about it. I remember him saying something along the lines of 'the people you were with before are part of the reason you are the person you are, but I just don't want to hear the details about them'. I think he has relaxed a bit with time, especially as I only ever mention my exes very casually, in passing. Actually, the odd time I meet up with one of them for coffee, but I know DH doesn't want to know, so I often don't bother mentioning it:) I am not 100% sure why he doesn't like it, there is definitely a bit of jealousy, and partly lack of interest. Also, he had only proper girlfriend before he met me, so maybe he felt insecure about his lack of experience. TBH, now I would find it a bit weird and inappropriate if DH and I were to sit down and have a detailed conversation about one of my past relationships. So yes, I would say this is pretty normal with some guys. They want to be 'the one' in your life, not one in a line of men.

Try not to worry too much about it, and enjoy your new relationship!

LeroyJethroGibbs · 12/04/2011 08:46

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Ragwort · 12/04/2011 08:50

I think this sounds healthy - my friend (in her 50s) is in a new relationship & the new man wants to know every single detail about her past - which is scarily creepy and he gets 'angry' about the fact she has had previous sexual relationships & goes on and on about things - that is a seriously toxic relationship - your new man sounds as though he is liking you for what you are now which is great - enjoy it Smile

madonnawhore · 12/04/2011 09:49

I think it's a good thing. Who the hell wants to rake over the romantic past of their new partner?

Bucharest · 12/04/2011 09:51

I think a lot of men are like this. Dp doesn't want to know anything about my past relationships....I am a nosey cah and whilst am not in the least bit worried he has children/wives/scientology magazines hidden away, I've always been a bit curious. But no, he won't budge. Pffft.

Pigglesworth · 12/04/2011 10:27

I wouldn't worry about this at all. I would be more worried if someone did want to hear all the details of my past relationships, a few weeks into knowing them. I don't want to hear about the details of my partner's past relationships, and we've been together almost 5 years!

GreenEyesandHam · 12/04/2011 10:41

When I met my (now) husband, he was like this, not specifically past relationships either. And my DH is a lovely man, not jealous or controlling at all

He said it made him feel pissed off that he hadn't met me sooner and that he hadn't been there (iyswim).

It all came out in the fullness of time. We don't get the old photos and mementos out and swap ex stories or anything, but the initial prickliness about the past wore off.

FabbyChic · 12/04/2011 10:42

Lots of men do not want to know about past relationships, why would it niggle.

When I see someone knew the last thing I want to be told is about past relationships.

Why would it bother you, you want to reminiss? How awful I could'nt think of anything worse to talk about.

rubyrubyruby · 12/04/2011 10:45

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SarahBumBarer · 12/04/2011 12:02

I think if he just does not feel the need to quiz you about them or hear details of relationships or break ups that is fine. It is a problem however if you feel can't mention them at all - even in passing. You have children and life experiences from your previous relationships - there will be times where previous partners have to come up (presumably you willnot be able to avoid mentioning the DC's fathers to them when they are around for eg) but so long as he is fine with that then I don't see him not wanting the gory details as an issue.

WowOoo · 12/04/2011 12:06

My husband has never asked anything about my past. He says it's because he doesn't want to know, not interested, it could make him jealous and what's in the past is done with and over. A good sign I'd say!

An ex of mine - a very jealous and possesive type - wanted to know everything, I didn't like it.

good luck.

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