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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unpleasant sex not sure how to deal with it (tmi sorry)

23 replies

walkinZombie · 11/04/2011 21:26

i've namechanged its a sensitive thread
over the weekend i had two unpleasant encounters with DP both nights I was half asleep and was woken up and partly asked me If I wanted to have sex and I said not really as I was tired and his response being 'you won't have to do anything just lie there' I agreed as wierd as it sounds

was very unpleasant just didnt like it at all then said to me bend over the side of the bed so I can finish I said but I don't wanna move he started whinging at me and I agreed. afterwards I said you know Ididnt wanna do that he said 'yeah alright' I went to bed and since then I just feel crap I know technically nothing bad happened, but I wanna move on from it in my head IYSWIM its making me moody and snap at him and I don't like what im being

any advice please would be advised. how to get passsed it??

xoxo

OP posts:

fallingandlaughing · 11/04/2011 21:33

Don't be in a rush to get past it.

Your P hasn't behaved in a respectful way. How is our relationship usually?

Don't worry about the "technically You both know he was in the wrong (well, I hope he does).

fallingandlaughing · 11/04/2011 21:34

I'll post this on the other thread so you dont end up with 2.

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 21:40

Errr i would be OK with that tbh. In a loving relationship it is rare but normal

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/04/2011 21:43

WTF is normal about having someone fucking on your body when you dont want them to do so?

mydaddrivesarustycar · 11/04/2011 21:44

Um, I wouldn't be getting past it, I would leave him.

atswimtwolengths · 11/04/2011 21:48

Did you tell him after the first time that you didn't like it and then it happened again?

GreenEyesandHam · 11/04/2011 21:50

It's not normal. It's disgusting

davidtennantsmistress · 11/04/2011 21:52

I couldn't and wouldn't mentally I don't think, all trust would be gone, he's used you without any regard for your feelings as little more than an 'empty' sorry t be crude but if one party isn't willing where is the enjoyment?

K999 · 11/04/2011 21:54

My DP would never ask this tbh. He would only every want to have sex if we were both up for it. Its not like saying "do you want a cup of tea" and you say "no thanks" and he's says "do you mind if I have one?"...

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 11/04/2011 21:57

The big problem with this is his perception of you as his wanksock. How can you go on to have normal, enjoyable sex after this kind of experience? It is possible, but difficult. You need to somehow get over the fact that he thinks his sexual desires are greater than your needs. The only way you can really do that is by explaining frankly how it made you feel, and discussing your relationship.

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/04/2011 21:58

That is horrendous. I can't believe anyone would think that is part of a normal loving relationship.

LisamumtoJake · 11/04/2011 21:58

It sounds horrible OP, If you usually have a loving relationship etc with him, then you should maybe confront him on this and let him know that it's playing on your mind and you have issues with it, see what he says, i'm not sure you can get passed it without airing the issue, but even then, me personally would probably have an issue with it for a long time.

But you really have to find out why he did this, as it's really not normal for someone to do it when you really haven't agreed and i find it quite horrible and creepy to be honest.

darleneconnor · 11/04/2011 21:59

sex with coerced 'consent' is RAPE FFS!

boxingHelena · 11/04/2011 22:01

well...tbh I would find it a turn on if my dp said "dont do anything just stay there" and would get into it after the initial ... delay
I do not find it disgusting in itself, but if OP has been left feeling uneasy that's a different matter. She needs to say no and meaning though, not kind of agree, and than agree again about changing position, and expect to be taken as not willing. Pls dont make it sound like rape. Of course if there are other unpleasant elements in the relationship than OP needs to explain better, but from what she tells here, I would put it down as she tried it, did not like it never to do again, tell him straight and move on

mydaddrivesarustycar · 11/04/2011 22:01

Sorry to be graphic, but you've specifically mentioned bending over the bed so he can finish. Is that act (whatever it actually involved) not something that's normal part of your sex life? Because I think if he's introduced something you don't normally do when you're half asleep that is a reprehensible as waking you up and pestering you into having sex with you when you DO NOT WANT IT.

Either way, I would leave him. I could not share my life of my bed with some walking penis who thinks it's ok to pester a sleeping woman as if she's a labrador on heat.

BlooferLady · 11/04/2011 22:01

Um. I am very firmly of the opinion that anything other than a vocalised 'yes' is a NO.

You seriously, seriously need to talk this through. At the very least.

mamatomany · 11/04/2011 22:02

Oh dear, this is not nice behavior, is he very young and a bit of a twat ?

Diggs · 11/04/2011 22:05

Your moody and snapping at him because hes crossed quite a boundry and you both know it . Him waking you up for sex is awful , and quite a statement from him , he obviously felt you were there to meet his needs and bollocks to how you felt about it . Why would a sleeping woman want sex ? Im assuming you were unaroused and uninterested , both facts he was fully aware of. Im not convinced he wanted sex , he couldve wanked off effortlessly , seems to me the motivation was to demean you and fuck on you re ownership.

Have a firm talk op , dont allow him to have sex on you again if you dont want to . Im assuming his sense of entitlement and twattish attitude is evident in other areas of your relationship too.

BertieBotts · 11/04/2011 22:06

Please don't think that "technically nothing bad happened" - he had no right to even ask to use your body like that after you had said you weren't in the mood. I can understand why you agreed (have been there and TBH I still have big issues over sex which stem from those relationships, happily I'm with someone respectful now) but if he asks again you absolutely don't have to - don't worry about his expectations or whether he "needs" sex or whether he will be moody about it. You have the right to refuse sex at any time - even if you've agreed to it before, or if you initially agreed and changed your mind, even if you've already started. You can always say no. And if you're worried about his reaction if you did, that's a big red flag about your relationship.

Honestly? You have good reason to be moody with him and if he doesn't understand why you are upset he's a wanker.

Diggs · 11/04/2011 22:07

Meant to add , you dont need to get passed it , your pissed off for a good reason so allow yourself to feel that . Also examine why you agreed when you didnt really want to .

StayFrosty · 11/04/2011 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 11/04/2011 22:10

What's really icky is that he knew you weren't up for it and that didn't turn him off. In fact he seemed determined to do it anyway. Creepy.

I can't imagine my DP being able to get aroused when he knew that I wasn't in the mood. I'd find it very difficult to be able to trust him again.

He has shown no consideration for your feelings OP and has used you for his own sexual pleasure without any regard for yours.

supadupacreameggscupa · 11/04/2011 22:17

hang on a minute, didn't you agree though OP? Even if you didn't want to, you still agreed?
I have done this myself to keep the peace/get it over with, and I too felt crap afterwards. In the end I admitted it all to DH and got it out in the open and I promised I wouldn't agree when I didn't want to. This made a massive difference going forward. DH honestly had no idea I was upset and was very understanding.

You need to talk to him and admit you didn't like it. Explain why and make it clear it won't be happening again.

It need not be a massive problem if you sort it out now.

Good Luck op.

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