Not again not again.

[fortyfairy]

Last September my DH told me he had been having an affair for 8 months. We had been married for 23 years with two children. Devastated does not come close to how I felt. Anyway I thought my family and I were bigger and better than she would ever be so I said I would try to forgive and give our marriage another go. I waited 6 weeks for him to make up his mind mad I know but he eventually picked her over me.
5 months later I received an email from him saying how lost he was how he missed me and the children and wanted to be a family again. I gave consideration and said I was prepared to give it a go. So he left hers and moved in with a friend. We started to go out with each other again slowly coming around for his tea with the kids etc......... then last Sunday my world came crashing down around me again I found out he was still seeing her and sleeping with her. Feel numb like I have been hit by a train don't feel anything at the moment, confidence has gone and finding it hard to function help.

Whether he is or is not still seeing this woman it sounds like you have lost all trust in him.
You gave him a choice and a second chance and so sound like a wonderful woman who puts her kids above all else.
Stay strong and good luck. I'm sure people here can give you better advise than me; my ex had a long term affair and I walked out with our kids.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

What I can't understand is your declaration of forgiveness at the beginning, when he wasn't really asking it, he wasn't even begging you to let him stay. Why would you put yourself on the floor for him? He took six weeks to decide which woman he wanted and you waited?

That was the end right there. He lost all respect for you and saw that whatever he threw at you, you would take him back. And you did. Now he has done it again.

The guy wants his cake and eat it, you let him have it. Don't. Call it a day please, your self esteem will thank you for it. The kids will thank you for it. And in a strang way, your dh will thank you for it, as he is so piss poor at making and sticking to a decision.

What a nightmare. You poor thing.
May I ask how you found out he was still seeing her? I mean, did he tell you, or did you find out for yourself? And what has he said about it? Is he all gungho, or sorry for himself, or what? Not sure if any of these things make a difference, however.
Your position is untenable, really.
Keep posting. There are so many wise ladies on here who can offer help and advice.

I've been through this and you know what? Once the choice is taken off their hands, the shine goes right off the new relationship. They realise they are stuck with their own actions.

Tell him to get lost now. Go to see a solicitor and get a divorce started. Tell your children that he has behaved so badly towards you that you cannot forgive him. Tell them you will always wish him well, because he's their dad, but you can't be married to him any longer. They will understand, whatever their ages.

I'm so sorry - I can vividly remember that feeling of 'being hit by a tram.' The shock is truly dreadful, but it does pass, I promise.

he is a cunt of the highest order.
sorry if that doesnt help matters but you really do deserve better
sounds like there is nothing you can do but try and move on and enjoy your life without this parasite in it

OP, I dont agree with perfumedlife. I don't think you should have done anything different, or regret anything you did or didn't do. You are obviously an incredibly loving and forgiving woman, who wanted to give everything to try and keep her family together. Twice!

I'm so sorry it didn't work out like that. I'm afraid I agree with bbird's assessment of your H. I wish I had a magic wand for you, but all I can say is cut all of your contact with H down to the bare minimum necessary for the DCs. Tell everyone and get as much rl support as you can. Look after yourself, allow yourself to grieve this new revelation, give yourself lots of time to recover, but above all keep going. You can do this, and you will be ok.

Oh, and this thread is good for support.

Clam, I found out myself and he admited it to me. He says he feels awful and carnt believe what he has done to me.

Oh God, this is awwful for you.

You will make it, you've already demonstrated how strong you are with your ability to forgive and move on. Don't have regrets about what you did, it's all about what you choose to do now. Make the choice that's right for you and make sure you take all the time you need.

Good luck.

Only 4 more days to get through then off for two weeks Easter hols.
Have Ofsted in tomorrow don't know how to get through the week.

OP are you telling us that despite having your entire world ripped apart by this man, you are still at work?

I don't know whether to applaude your strength (well actualy I do applaude your strength) or call in the white coat brigade.

If ever there was a reason for you to put your own needs first it is now. Even before your kids because they need a DM who can look after herself enough to be there for their distress. It is alright to call a temporary halt to mundanity and routine because you have suffered a major shock to your system.

My god your H sounds like a prize cock. Take his self pity with a huge dose of salt. It's all about him.

I really don't know what to say other than he is a silly silly man who thought he coudl get away with having his cake and eating it.

You do know that you could never trust him again after this don't you?

Luckily for you you were very sensible in noy allowing him straight home so at least you do not need to uproot your home again.
I think it would be advisable for him to have no contact with you for at least a month. If he sees teh DC he should wait outside and they can go out to meet him. You need time to heal.

i walked out from my XH with the kids too after 17 years and 2 kids, there is life beyond lies and mistrust and mostly it is a good life and i was 38 at the time and he had no intention of giving the ow up understand the train effect you are feeling stay strong you will get through it ((((hugs))))

I'm really sorry to hear he has put you through this, what a tosser! I would definitely agree that now is the time to call it quits and start proceedings BUT please do not tell your children that he has been awful to you etc. When my parents ivorced when I was younger it really affected me emotionally when my dad insisted on telling me that they had broken up because mummy had had an affair and been nasty to daddy etc. I wasn't old enough to understand that adults sometimes do this to each other, especially not parents. They just need to know that despite the fact that you can't live with their dad any more both yourself and their dad love them very much. Good luck, I really wish all the happiness in the world when this has blown over.

Not sure about not telling children they are 15 and 21 and know about the affair from back in September.

Fairy - I would have done exactly the same as you and in fact I did, I waited 8 weeks for H to decide if he wanted me or OW, he choose OW, thats where we differ he never tried to come back. I was having such a hard time detaching and was emotionally attached until Dec, 6months on from finding out about the affair.

I have come on so much since detaching as I was simply torturing myself, I still love him dearly but realise he is not the person I thought and I know it wouldnt work now even if he had wanted to come back as he has hurt me far too much.

I wish you all the luck, and the only advice is I can give is detach it is the only way forward. As someone said get your 15 year old to wait outside for him.

Thanks everybody for your kind support this is really helping me, knowing you are out there supports me in many ways, you know when i read your posts over and over at 4 in the morning.

Not heard from him for a few days don't know what i should do next .

FF has he actually been living in this flat i.e. have you got proof of that?

What had you told the children about a possible reconciliation? What you tell them depends on what they thought was happening.

It's difficult to advise properly because your posts are very brief, no doubt because you're still in a renewed state of shock. If and when you're able, let us know what you're feeling and what help you'd welcome right now. Thinking of you.