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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Had a bloody awful day

23 replies

Icelollycraving · 11/04/2011 15:20

My beloved cat has been getting more & more ill for the last 6 months & today I had him put to sleep. His liver & kidneys were failing & he was literally skin & bone. He was such a lovely cat.The vet agreed it was the kindest thing to do.
H who frankly is crap took me to the vet & went to park saying he'd meet me in the vet. He stayed in the car. Wanker. Cue another row. He shuts off when there is anything expected of him. He is simply not the man I thought he was & I wish he could see it is destroying any love I have :(

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 11/04/2011 15:22

So sorry to hear about your poor cat. Sounds like it was the best thing.

atswimtwolengths · 11/04/2011 16:54

That's really disgraceful behaviour. He left you alone to deal with a really difficult situation. He's made it plain, hasn't he, what his character is like and how he feels about you?

I'm sorry about your cat. It does sound like it was the kindest thing to do.

lazarusb · 11/04/2011 17:08

Does he not have any emotional attachment to you at all? It's not normal not to want to support someone you love at difficult times. I'm not surprised you are hurt by this.

wendihouse22 · 11/04/2011 17:23

He sounds like he's either a complete shit or, he just couldn't cope with what he knew was going to happen.

I'm so sad for you.

I still miss my old pusscat...... he had kidney thing going on. Cost me a bloody fortune to keep that moggy going but, when the time came....had to let him go. Sounds ridiculous but he was a real friend.

Take care of yourself. x

Original poster

Icelollycraving · 11/04/2011 17:36

Thank you x
He just cannot seem to appreciate I might have wanted him to support me. No huge suprise really,he doesn't support me in any way

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 11/04/2011 17:39

So sorry Icelollycraving. Pets become such a big part of our families, it really does hit you hard.

This is about more than the poor cat though. If you can't count on his support, there is something not right.

What else is happening?

catladymanquee · 11/04/2011 17:39

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been through this twice now (kitties with cancer) and was absolutely gutted both times. One tough thing was that many people still don't understand that the loss of a beloved pet is a major, major loss and that you need to grieve.

As for your H, that is deeply unsupportive behaviour. What did he have to say for himself?

Original poster

Icelollycraving · 11/04/2011 17:51

I'm pregnant. He doesn't want it. He hasn't been there for scans etc. He wasn't supportive when I had a mc & then my stay in hospital afterwards. He is a thoroughly selfish pig. I married him 10 months ago & we have been together for 5 years. He doesn't like socialising but for all his odd quirks I always thought he was kind & that he really truly loved me. It seems that is only the case when life is good. I'm very angry with him. My family who he got on well with are at their wits end as they welcomed him so much but hate to see how he treats me. I've asked him to go. He refuses.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 11/04/2011 18:07

Oh you poor soul. If he didn't want a child, there were ways to avoid pregnancy. Especially after the first pregnancy. Did he say out loud that he did not want kids Icelolly?

Original poster

Icelollycraving · 11/04/2011 18:11

No. He said we aren't set up for kids right now but he would love a family one day...WTF should have stopped it happening then. Seriously could not see why I didn't agree to an abortion. He says he has accepted I'm pregnant but doesn't have to agree with it. Feel like ive stepped into a jeremy Kyle with a surly 17 year old not a married man of 47.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 11/04/2011 18:18

I'm afraid if that were me, I would tell him it's me and the baby or you're on your own. He can't have just you, there are two of you now, and he had a big part to play in that.

Would you be prepared to go it alone?

Original poster

Icelollycraving · 11/04/2011 18:22

Yes. There are times I still love him but his out & out selfishness is making me so unhappy. It would be hard but it's hard now living with someone who actually never ever mentions the baby. I've suggested counselling,splitting up,talking,nothing changes because he doesn't want the life I have chosen. I truly don't know why he stays.

OP posts:

FAB5 · 11/04/2011 18:24

I am so sorry for the loss of your cat. Mine is ill too.

Your husband is being a prick and it may be time for some proper talking. He can't be happy either so ask him why he wants to stay.

RogerMelly · 11/04/2011 18:28

I don't understand why you are having a baby with him njow if he was so unsupportive when you had a miscarriage

I am sorry about your cat :(

FellatioNels0n · 11/04/2011 18:30

Oh my goodness this is about so much more than the the poor cat isn't it?

Oh. I've loads to say here but it's hard to know where to start. He is being a commitment-phobe arse, which is why I suspect it took him so long to marry you, despite being a grown man. This should be in relationships really - it's not about a cat. You need proper professional MN guidance.

FellatioNels0n · 11/04/2011 18:31

Oh, I see it is in relationships, in spite of being ostensibly about a cat. apologies.

wendihouse22 · 11/04/2011 19:13

Ah. So he's IS a complete shit.

What are you doing with this man? He sounds incapable of support, on the "cat" level and on the fact that you're about to have his child.

Poor you.

Sounds awful for you. Don't know what to suggest though.

whitevanwoman · 11/04/2011 19:17

it could be that he was upset too and didnt want to breakdown in the vets :(

FellatioNels0n · 11/04/2011 19:37

I had a friend like this many moons ago - a consummate (sp?) bachelor. His GF found herself PG with twins in her mid-late 30's (not sure whether it was entirely accidental or a bit of wishful thinking on her part) but he freaked out and buggered off. She moved away and went through all the tough stuff by herself. He paid his way and when they were about 8 or 9 (IIRC) suddenly had an epiphany and wanted to be a proper Daddy. Luckily he was able to pick up where he left off and became completely besotted by these two little girls, and I think he deeply regetted that he hadn't been a proper Daddy sooner. As far as I know it has all ended well (they'd be about 18 now.) But I don;t know what he thought he was trying to prove in the beginning. Unfortunately some men are just like this. If you have tried to 'change' or 'tame' them by foisting fatherhood on them it won't always go in your favour. It is a gamble - and it is their loss, frankly.

YouaretooniceNOT · 11/04/2011 23:47

OP - I feel that your Husband simply does not seem to care about you much anymore. What do you feel about the future?

Fab123 · 12/04/2011 00:15

As someone who's partner left the day after we found out the sex on a 3D scan, I think perhaps your emotions are all over the place atm. Not trying to belittle you AT ALL, just can tell you are upset and, although he doesn't sound supportive in the slightest, there must be a reason you are still with him.

My ex can't make up his mind what he wants still and we haven't seen each other since Feb. It's really tough when no one is around and you just want a hug, or realising he hasn't even seen the proper bump or felt her kick.

I'm up for letting him be part of her life, but he doesn't seem to be very stable in his decisions and is refusing to pay maintenance as he thinks it is me "punishing" him . All in all, it's just worth thinking that even if he is very unsupportive, it's perhaps not as bad as it seems just now? Otherwise there is a lot of emotional crap and things to sort out with visitations/selling house etc and you need to really think how you will feel being alone. It is tough. But weigh up carefully what you do get from him - does he cook, clean, support you in another way? Sometimes it can be easy to overlook if you are tired and emotional.

Funny thing is I think i'm looking forward to the baby that much more now that he has left, as then I get to reap the rewards, not worrying about their lack of parenting skills for a start! :) So don't get me wrong, there are definitely up sides to going it alone!

saffronwblue · 12/04/2011 12:00

What a hard day. For me no matter how DH can irritate me on a daily basis he has always been there for the hard stuff.
You are pregnant - you are entitled to feel needy especially with losing a dear pet. If he can't meet your needs now, what wil he be like when you are on the roller coaster of a new baby?

Pollyanna80 · 12/04/2011 23:14

Oh icelollycraving I am so sorry for you. What a tragic thing to have to go through. Pets really do become our babies.

Has OH said why he chose to stay in the car? Could he possibly have been as sad as you?

I think we sometimes don't appreciate or see the little things that our OH's do for us though. There are times when I would happily pack DH's bags for him when he leaves his crap everywhere, but I see my best friend struggling as a single mum and think wow he does do some stuff and I'd be lost without him. If I felt ill who would look after the kids, if I was in hospital who would keep them fed, if I was exhausted again who would do it all, who would bathe the kids, who would listen to me moan at night...............there are so many little things that they do. When your kids are ill and in hospital or have a high fever, who holds your hand? I'm not belittling single mums, I have so much respect for them, but I'd be lost without my DH.

When I get sick of him I book a weekend with the girls or send him to his sisters. The break helps! If you do that and still want to hit him with your shoe then you need to do some thinking honey.

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