Am I being unreasonable with my feelings and do you have any advice-new relationship

[DoFlo]

My new partner and I have been dating for over 1 year, we are both going through divorces that seem to be taking an age to finalise. He has 2 children who live with their Mum and he has a very good relationship with them. I have no children. For all intents and purposes, we live together in my house, even though he has his own rented flat. I have introduced new partner to most of my friends and family and he is now a 'recognised' part of my life to everyone who matters. He hasn't told anyone in his family or any of his friends about me, nor has he told his children. I do understand why he hasn't told his children as his divorce is heading for the courts and estranged wife would no doubt use a new relationship against him in court.

However rational the reasons why, however, I still feel a teensy bit sad that his family and friends don't know i exist, and lonely when at holidays, at least half the weekend etc, he will spend time with his kids (which is great for him and them) and I am left by myself. I left my husband because he would choose to work and not spend time with me and have spent the last few years effectively living as a single even though I was married. So, the fact that rationally I understand why my new partner spends a lot of time away, doesn't help me feeling that it's a bit like deja vue all over again, made more prominent as I am facing the next 2 weekends alone as he goes away for a sport weekend (been planned for ages) and then is taking his kids to see his family all over Easter.

We have a great relationship and we are very happy and I know this will all sort itself out in the end, but please, if any of you have advice as to how to get through these next few months I would be really grateful, I miss him when he's not around and am feeling lonely and frustrated that it's taking a long time for me to be a full part of his life. Or am I just being unreasonable in feeling as I do?

Thank you!

I would be very suspicious about this

Wow. I wouldn't call together a year a new relationship and I can't believe his friends and family don't know about you. Frankly I think that's massively worrying.

After a year I'd expect that his family and friends would have known about you by now and you'd at least be talking about meeting his children.

I think you need to be asking him some questions.

If the court thinks your DP is living with you, then your income will be taken into account during an Ancilliary Relief case and it will affect the outcome for him. So perhaps it is best to ride this period out and see how things are after the divorce is finalised.

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time at the moment. Fingers crossed that everyone is happier after your divorces are over.

Oh I too would be suspicious, are you sure the divorce is definately going through?

Thank you all so far, and the impact on divorce is critical, hence why I am understanding, but it's hard! Any more advice on coping would be very appreciated.

Has he explicitly said that he won't introduce you to friends or family because of the divorce? Or has he avoided addressing the issue at all and you have just let it become the status quo?

I understand in situations like his there is a need for discretion, but I would be starting to feel very fed up with being a dirty little secret after a year long relationship. Especially when you're sharing your life with him but it's not reciprocated.

Perhaps when you know a timeline, you'll be able to deal with this better. I would set a timetable, even if only in your own mind: it would have to be reasonable, taking into account when the court dates are, but also give you a definite span that this will continue for, before you get some sign of him showing willing to involve you in his life in a wider way.

In the meantime, I'd focus on filling the time when he isn't around with friends and events for yourself. You need to be more independent of him.

Thanks everyone again, his primary consideration is his children and he is reluctant to make me 'known' so that his divorce can be sorted out as best as poss without the emotional reaction from ex wife about another woman... I completely agree Zikes, that I need to fill my time up without being so reliant in him, but there are times eg Easter weekend when it's hard to find friends who aren't already busy with their own families etc! Difficult one.

Even though I understand why he wants to be cautious, it's still not very fair on you?

Are you prepared to put up with things the way they are? If so, what's your cut off point? If it were me I'd be saying another 6 months and we're either legit or I'm out of here.

What's the worst that could happen re: the divorce if he was honest to his wife and kids about you?

Good point, it's just a court battle now, so prob not v much could happen. I suspect she will make it awkward for him to see the kids, you know, as a bit of an emotional reaction where it would hurt

Can't you see your parents/family over Easter?

DoFlo you didn't answer my question. Have you ever discussed this arrangement? Is it something you've both agreed needs to be this way or has he just carried on, assuming you're happy to be kept hidden from his life?

It doesn't sound like you feel you have much choice over how things are or any say in asking him to commit to changing them. Am I wrong in that?

Hi Madonnawhore....I think it's a bit of both, I think initially we agreed it would be stupid to discuss me as he (and I) were going through divorces. Now, however, I think it's more the status quo, it's been like this for such a long time that I guess we've both just accepted it. I don't feel good about "forcing" him to introduce me into his life until he feels comfortable doing that and I think he feels that the more people he tells, the more chance it has of getting back to his kids. And as his divorce is acrimonious to say the least and his wife still thinks even after all this time that there may be a chance of him returning, then they haven't yet officially drawn a line in it explicitly to the kids. Difficult!

??? Sounds like he shpould be putting his foot down with his ex wife and making it clear he's not going back to her and the children.

Have to say its really unfortunate that this is happening for you but it is the result of going out with a man in the middle of a divorce. My best friend has been going through this for 5 years......she knows its wrong and shes been treated unfairly, and only just had the children to stay at her house where he's lived for 3 years. His divorce is finally going through now and she is getting treated like an equal, but I am sur eI would have walked before now in her shoes. There's not much you can demand from him as he has his commitments.

I would perhaps if you are going to stick with it just try to continue with your own life more and encourage him to stay at his own flat so your life is not so influenced by his divorce. Try to make some more friends, stich and bitch ! I don't know, just seperate from it and try not to make it your problem. You don't have children together which means you are free to go out and do whatever you like without him so make the most of it !! (coming from a heavily pregnant lady with a three year old I am somewhat jealous of that !!)

I have never been in your position but a few points come to mind:

is he dragging his heels over the divorce? what grounds are there for it? 2 years separation? unreasonable behaviour?

How long was he separated before you met him?

Do you think things will change when he is divorced? Has she given you any assurances they will? Does he say things like "As soon as alll the legal side is sorted I can show you off to my friends and family"

Is there ANY chance that the reason he is keeping you shut away is because he is embarrassed about getting togeher quite quickly with another woman, or that he does not regard your relationship as strong or as permanent as you do?

I understand how he may want to protect his children from the truth, but on the to her hand as long as you met after he split from his wife, and were not the cause of that split, I don't see how the courts or his wife could use you to influence any settlement- as long as you are not "officially" co-habiting.

I think if i were you i would want more reassurance that things would change, and look beyond what seem to be rather superficial excuses why he won't incorproate you into his circle of friends and family.

It does sound like he's being a little bit of a coward. You haven't asked any more from him so he's happy to continue to keep you a secret.

A year really is more than long enough to have maintaine that status quo. You must surely be feeling by now that you would like to 'come out' and be a proper couple. As you've said already, not much can happen to affect the divorce apart from she might become more awkward.

How do you know his wife still thinks that there's a chance of him returning? Has he told you? Why does he allow her to keep believing that?

Finally, what do you want? Are you happy to carry on like this? How would you like it to change?

Thanks everyone, you are really helping. I know he wants to 'show me off' to people and will do when his children are ok with the fact I am around....so, yes, ok to live with it for the short term, but still feel a teensy bit sad that it's not happening quicker...and I think that with Easter coming up when you should have time together, and we won't, just reinforces that.