Separation necessary to recover from affair?

[lostinthejungle]

Hello again, as I have already blathered on all over the place in this forum, I am nearly 6 wks on now from discovering my husband's ("short, meaningless") affair. I still can't see how I'm ever going to get over it.

This is a query to those of you out there who feel you have successfully overcome your partner's affair, some time down the road. How many of you felt that you needed to separate from them (ie. move them out) initially (with either temporary or permanent intent) in order to be able to overcome the rage and pain?

And, on the other size of that coin, are there any of you out there that feel that not having separated represented a major hindrance to your recovery?

I feel like I need a bit of peace and space, and if it were easy I would already have chucked H out. But I am in South America with 5-yr DS, far from family and good friends, living in a biggish and rather expensive rented house with the ample detritus of 41 years of life. If I separate, even temporarily, it will be by going home. But it will be massively difficult because of all this stuff - official storage doesn't even exist, any solution is going to be expensive. And then maybe I'll just want to stay at home anyway, in which case it will all have been a tremendous financial waste...

bleuh

I hope somebody with experience will come along with advice soon.
My sympathy for your predicament. Couldn't he move out to a hotel for a while?

I think what you need is emotional space. Time to think clearly, work through your feelings and see how you actually feel. In your case, it sounds like this affair has brought up more 'round about' questions than just the initial affair. I hope that makes sense? Don't focus on the financial side and don't feel like the responsibility is yours to make that decision - what does your H think is the next move? Could he not stay with a friend for a while?
Btw, i haven't been in your shoes, just trying to think how I would feel in your position, feel free to ignore.

Am not exactly the target market for your post but H had an affair and is moving out soon. Am petrified to be honest but I think because I feel it will be making it known that our relationship could well be over and really him staying wouldn't change that.

I suppose there is a chance things may change but I think that can only happen with him moving out. Staying here isn't good for either of us. We are amicable but easy potential to not be and doing things separately will make both of us think a bit. Or at least that's whst I'm telling myself. In a couple of weeks I will be probably weeping and wailing but I will cope. I keep singing "I will survive" and am going to try and keep it as my mantra.

Hopefully WhenWillIFeelNormal will see this. Her marriage survived an affair, but I know she felt separation was an important part of this. But her spouse was committed to working things out and took the steps necessary to do this.

He needs to be willing to do this by finding another place to stay, not you.

The ball (re:moving out) should really be in his court, not yours. Is he committed to saving your relationship or he is waiting for you to fight for him? I know that would make a difference to me.

We're a year in now and I did throw my husband out. And I know that, for us, it was the right thing to do. I think it would have been too comfortable for him had he been allowed to remain in the family home and it wouldn't have forced him to face the consequences of his actions.

It was hard for him and it was hard for our children. But given that he was away for a fair part of the week anyway the physical separation wasn't that hard for me. By far the hardest was the emotional separation - not having him at the end of the phone when I wanted to talk about the mundane things on family life. The boring stuff really but stuff that I wanted to offload.

I think he needed the separation to help him understand what he'd done and what he was risking.

I certainly didn't make his life easy for him - he had to shuttle between a hotel and his sister and carry all his bits around with him. But he had to live with consequences of his actions.

For us it was definitely the right thing to do. A year on and I won't say it's easy. We have good days and we have bad days. Today isn't great because it was a year ago today that I threw him out. He's very embarrassed and trying to avoid talking about it - and that's where we're polar opposites.

Would it be possible for him to move out - for a month or so while you take some time to consider what YOU want out of this marriage? I don't think you should be the one to decamp.

In my case kicking him out was separate from the rebuilding process. I just couldn't bear to have him in the house, so he was out the next day, and stayed out for 2 months. When we were both fairly sure we wanted to try and rebuild our marriage he moved back in, because it is hard to see how you will rub along without everyday proximity, once the worst of the thorny issues have been thrashed out and some basic ground rules laid (though we didn't do this properly and it's harder today as a result - don't fall into that trap).

So in your situation your H is certainly the one that needs to get out of the family home for a bit, not you. Coming back to the UK is too radical if you haven't ruled out making another go of it.

Couldn't he stay in the cheapest temp or tourist accommodation available nearby? Mine spent one night in a cheap hotel then moved to a mobile home on a campsite. It was out of season so quite cheap. Is anything like that an option?

Hi lost. Actually I don't think WWIFN's H did move out, if it wasn't for her story I would say that yes I think it is essential. To get some physical and emotional space from each other, to work out what it is you really want, not just staying together out of habit, to see how much he is prepared to fight for you, and do what is necessary to make steps towards repairing things, even if it's crappy and hard work.

It was only when H had actually left that I stopped crying every day, and felt some kind of peace. And the strength that you gain from the knowledge that actually being by yourself isn't the end of the world, and you can do it, I found very valuable. And it was only when I had chucked H out for good, that he finally realised what he had done and what he really wanted (ie us).

Is it your need for home and familiar things you yearn for- or emotional space?

If the latter, could you ask/ persuade your DH to move out and give you space?

I suppose it depends on what you want to achieve. It might give you a perspective that you can't have when he is around- or it might just put your emotions on ice until he comes back.

My H did not move out. He offered, but I didn't want the children to know/be involved/be hurt. So we had all our battles/arguments/tears/rages/talks when the children were out or in the dead of the night.

He is a man whose parents had both had affairs when he was a child. He was aware of them, and one of them he talks about in romantic terms, like it was the love of this particular parent's life.

That seemed significant to me, in regard to his own adult relationship patterns and behaviours, hence keeping the children out of it seemed like a good way to go in my head.

Not sure which was best, easier for me if he had gone probably, easier to show what he had to lose, but I don't regret it, we do what we do.

Hello dearies, thanks so much for continuing to post while I've been quiet the last few days, and thanks for all your opinions - all but one favouring separation (Che, how far are you into the process? Do you feel that your marriage is now on solid footing? Did you continue to share a bed with H the whole time? Gawd, H slept on DS's mattress in same room and his heavy breathing just drove me into a frenzy every night. DS and I have actually been sleeping in a TENT in the living room the last 5 nights - as a game ).

Well, H moved out last night. This came after a counselling session in which she advised we separate 1-1.5 months, no contact other than minimum necessary for DS. Her advice came as, I suppose, a minor relief, because I was really on a roll with packing up and moving home, full stop, but of course was still tortured as to whether that was the right decision. We agreed he'd stay a week longer in the house (til DS and I go off on holliers), but then yesterday some trivial bureaucratic nonsensical thing happened that summed up why I am so furious that H did this to me here of all places, far from friends and family etc. I completely went off the deep end and then just asked him to leave straight away. I am still feeling very bitter and twisted, so I honestly don't know if 1.5 months will be enough. A year was sounding good as a starting point.

Nonetheless, I think the space will do me good, I can easily handle 1.5 months of it - even here with no support in South Am. I was still in a bad place today, but think that without him here, gradually I will be able to stop imagining OW's face every 10 mins, imagining him going out to buy those condoms etc etc, with the ensuing eruption of rage that I have been experiencing at least once a day. I don't know whether, as you mention cabbageroses, it will simply be that once he comes back (IF I allow him to come back) it will all come right back to the surface as strong as before, but if it does well then there will be a message in there, won't there?

For H's part, I haven't felt that he's been on the fence at all. He didn't move out because I hadn't definitively asked him to - neither of us knew what was best for DS, which has throughout all of this been our No. 1 priority. I'm not sure that H needs this separation to know what he wants - he's been clear all along (well, barring the 5 weeks he was screwing his tart) that what he wants is me and DS, and he has clearly been terrified of losing us. But maybe even so, on a subconscious level, he needs to be alone too. And of course it will also be welcome relief from me trying to scratch his eyes out on a daily basis.

What is infuriating about this, of course, is that I am the one that will have to pay for his separate accomodation for the duration (those of you who have seen my other posts will know that I have been supporting this man for 11 years), unless - hope and pray - his cafe takes off big time (opening imminent - STILL). The other thing is that it is hard work for me on my own here - city is totally chaotic, a maze, dog eat dog driving, and now I have to get myself around and manage the Kafkaesque bureaucracy (had delegated all such stuff to H here after 10 years of having to lead on everything in other countries). Got madly lost today, took 3 times as long as I should have to get home. It's also hard to manage DS on my own, when I just want to curl up in a ball in bed the whole time and watch crappy comedies (counsellor wants me on anti-depressants after psychological testing).

DS taking it okay so far, though - la di da, Mummy and Daddy disagreeing and a bit sad with each other, Daddy off visiting granny for fairly long time. Maybe he's less sensitive than I thought! We shall see. Anyway, have booked the 2 of us to Orlando for 10 days next week, mega special treat, savings going to be totally decimated. But worth it for the smile on me boy's face.

(Che, I will probably never tell my son what happened, whatever way it turns out. I don't want to give him the tiniest option in his mind that in a moment of weakness he could do the same as his father. So many things to be so uncontrollably angry at H for.)

Thanks again, girls, you are keeping me going.

I admire you so much. You seem - still - to be spinning all the plates though. I hope you have a great holiday with DS but your DH needs to start doing something for himself and take some responsibility. Of course he's scared of losing you, you are doing everything! As each day goes by I hope things become clearer in your head and I hope that you realise that your Dh needs you far more than you need him. He needs to prove himself to you now.

I am two and a bit years on from discovery. Slept in same bed bar one night. But really because I wanted to. I know it sounds funny and I was thinking about this for another thread, the discovery was the most awful thing, but somehow it woke me up out of an ..I don't know what ..depression maybe, coping stance maybe, victim mentality maybe. I decided then that everything I did from then on would be something I wanted to do (apart from obvious things that need to be done!). I bought or picked myself flowers every day for a year. I bought new clothes, I lost weight, went out with friends, I became a sexual person again and enjoyed being attractive instead of hiding myself away behind a mist of sadness. I was also going through the trauma and shock and humiliation and self hatred so all was not rosy by any means. But I had sex with him because I wanted to feel like a woman again. On my terms.

Things are ok between us, better than before certainly, but not the fantastically amazing relationship that WWIFN and other people talk about. He hasn't done the self searching bit, and I actually can't be bothered asking him to any more. It's his deal he knows what he did, he'll have to come to terms with it somehow. I will always think lesser of him than I did before, and I'm way more cynical about relationships, but we get by, we are friends, we have some laughs and the kids are happy. Who knows what will happen a few years down the line, perhaps we won't be together for ever.

You sound like you have been shouldering a lot of the responsibility in your relationship, I don't know your back story I'm sorry, but from this post it sounds exhausting and lonely. Aside from the detritus, the financial stuff, do you want to stay there? Do you want him around? Do you make time for yourself? Do you feel loved yourself? Do you feel you deserve to be happy? All questions I had to ask. I had got into an I'll cope with all this stuff because I have to - resenting it, but actually probably wallowing in the resentment, instead of being pro-active.

Our therapy sessions were helpful, keep them up if you can.

You asked about getting over it, I haven't totally got over it, but I've learned to cope with it. That'll do just now.