DP wants another child, I'm not sure...

[magsthatch]

Namechanger, though I've reverted to a name I used when my DD was very young. For anyone interested enough a couple of the posts I made then demonstrated my state of mind at the time. DD is 2 now.

She was unplanned, but we were both ecstatic and really excited. I just had no idea what lay before us. I look back now and see I must have had PND but it went undiagnosed. The first year is a blur. I felt I had completely lost my identity, the person I used to be was gone and replaced with a drudge. I found the lack of sleep, the relentlessness, the lack of adult contact really hard, and dreaded the moment of waking each day when I knew the whole thing would start again. It was all compounded by the fact I lost my job on maternity leave and did not know what the future held.

Gradually it got better, I retrained, got a new job, got some of my old life back. Got some sleep! I am now at a stage where I feel like me again, I have a career and a social life as well as a family life. It feels OK.

DP doesn't like me talking honestly about the early days. He says it puts a downer on it when I say things like 'it was really tough when she didn't sleep' and that noone else speaks like that about their babies. Well I can't lie when people ask (although I don't say exactly how hard I found it!) but my experience of my NCT friends and my best friend who had a baby a few months later than me is that they found it just as tough. Actually, three of them have already decided they are not having any more children (although with best friend that is her DH's decision primarily).

We've always said we would have more children, I've now put a cap at two. But honestly, if DP said no more I would't feel gutted. Not 100% sure though. All I know is that we have plenty of time, I want to wait until I feel the urge to have more children. I'm not ready yet.

We had an argument that came out of nowhere last night. I saw a picture of a cute baby and said I had a slight broody feeling (I haven't had them AT ALL since DD) and got onto the discussion of more kids. I said I'd be happy for DD to be at school before another. He says that we should be trying now so they are close in age. I said no way, I am happy to just be normal for a while. It escalated and DP said that what if the years go on and I never feel the urge for more and decide against it. I can't promise that and DP said 'well in that case we will split up'.

I refuse to be emotionally manipulated into having more children when I don't feel ready. I know that would just be a recipe for disaster. DP has said sorry for his comment, but I'm not sure it's enough.

How do we overcome this? TBH I'm sure one day I will want another child, I just don't know when that will be.

Anyone?
Would me deciding no more children be reason enough for DP split up with me?
FWIW I said to DP perhaps if the change in maternity laws come through he could stay at home after 6 months. Went down like a lead balloon...

I just feel so pressurised that this is all down to me. My career that's fucked, possibly my body (I was relatively unscathed last time but I think I've had all my luck...), my sanity.

Am I selfish to DD for not wanting to give her a sibling asap?

if you decided not to have anymore children it would be very mean of your dh to use that as a reason to split up with you particularly as you had such a hard time with your first.

i struggled to decide whether to have any more children after having my first two but for very different reasons, i did go on to have a third baby but it was a hard decision and i did find it hard.

from what you have said about the problems you had i think waiting till she is at school could be a good idea but if your dp is really against that perhaps a compromise of when your dd is at nursery instead? at least then you would have some time to yourself rather than 2 dcs very close in age both at home with you.you shouldnt feel pressurised though, that is unfair on you and will just make you stressed, it has to be a completely joint decision and you shouldnt have the threat of splitting up if you decide to not have another.

I was going to say, if he feels so strongly about having another DC then he should be the one to stay at home with the baby, get up in the night etc. Then I saw your second post.

I think it is unreasonable for anyone to insist on having a child unless they are willing to do the hard work of looking after that child - especially in your DH's case when he knows you had such a tough experience with your DD.

It is incredibly unreasonable of him to hold the threat of splitting up with you over your head. Frankly that seems like pure emotional blackmail and I hope he would never actually do it.

That all said, clearly he is for some reason incredibly keen to have another child and that is a valid feeling which does need to be taken account of.

I think you need to talk to him about why he is so keen on doing it now. Is he feeling broody (it does happen to men too)? Is it some idea he has of the "perfect" family? Keep talking until you can understand him and he can understand you.

I guess that's the problem - a compromise would potentially mean me having a pregnancy and baby when I didn't want to - I am scared for my mental health if I do that. I was really low and scared myself at some points points in the early days. I didn't feel like I loved my DD for a long time. I put on a brave face for everyone including DP most of the time, noone really knows how bad it was. Probably why DP doesn't believe me. Especially as it's so good now and I dote on my DD.

I just don't want to put myself, DD or a new baby through that.

Perhaps I am being selfish. But it's my body, I am not a vessel to bear my DP children. I want to wait until I can't imagine anything other than having a child. I have felt like that before so I know it's in me. It couldn't be further from how I'm feeling at the moment...

mini he is one of many siblings and has always envisaged a large family. Way before DD I always agreed and said 3 or 4, so he has already compromised because I'm saying we'll stop at 2.

He is broody. He bonded with DD far more quickly and easily than me. He does have lone care of her on a regular basis while I work and enjoys it all. I do now as well TBH but I still remember how it used to feel.

I DO understand him and why he wants more children. I also understand the pros of having children close together, and I guess if I could just jump forward a couple of years I would love it. But I just can't face going through the baby stage again right now. Or the pregnancy tbh

It sounds like you need to explain and describe to him more about how you felt with DD - not let him brush it under the carpet but make him listen.
After all, it must have been pretty bad if you changed from wanting 3/4 to wanting 2 as a result of your experience.

It sounds like he just doesn't get how bad it was for you. Perhaps you could get him some books on PND?

Books might work... believe me I have tried to explain it to him. He doesn't like to think of anything tainting her arrival. He was weirdly obsessed with her being 'perfect' when she was born, she has a hemangioma on her finger and although it's barely noticable, it really bothered him that people would laugh that she has one bigger finger.

This is all part of that I supposed. Him living in happy la la land where everything is perfect and me ruining that with tales of PND and not wanting more children at the right time...

Hmmm, this sounds familiar. I have a DH a bit like this - quite perfectionist, likes the idea of doing everything exactly "right" and in line with some sort of perfect life plan. There are bits of our history together that aren't "perfect" (aren't there always?) which DH doesn't really like to talk about.

I noticed this many years ago and it worried me because it means he is less likely to be able to cope and more likely to react disproportionately if something goes "wrong" later down the line. Realistically life is not perfect, unfortunate or unpredictable stuff happens, things don't always work according to plan. I have had a few conversations with DH about this. I've also tried to make a point of telling things how they are/were, rather than letting him "rose tint" the past.

Sorry bit of a digression. I guess what I'm saying is that it sounds like your DH could do with learning to recognise that life isn't always what you plan on.

I know he could :(

I don't know what to do about it though. I guess the reason it's getting me down is because I find it difficult to get my point across to him about many things. He doesn't want to accept it. He can get quite aggressive and nasty in arguments, and when he's decided the argument has ended that's that, despite me saying ' you have hurt me and I need to explain why, there is still a problem' he'll just say 'no there is no problem'.

Like my feelings don't count. Same as when he threatenend me with splitting up if I don't have a 2nd DC. He got really aggressive about it saying I was selfish to DD to not have kids close in age. Minimising what I was saying about how hard I found it saying it wasn't that bad, it'll be different next time as we'll have learnt a lot. Might be true - I know plenty of people that find it hard 2nd time round!

He has apologised but now expects that to be it. In his head there are no ongoing problems despite how he has made me feel (like a breeding machine whose wants and wishes come 2nd to him and DD). We have had a few other problems recently but he refuses to address them and says that things are great.

Like he can't admit to anything being less than perfect, and if I mention it it's because the problem is mine and not his.

I'm fed up of arguments which arent resolved until I get so upset he apologises and then things are meant to just be back to normal. Until the next time.

I don't know how to change it :(

Would really appreciate anyones input and experiences? This is really getting me down. We are getting married very soon and it's scaring me that the way we see the future isn't aligned. It only seems to have come up recently when DP has suddenly become much more keen on a baby as soon as possible...

He doesn't sound all that nice: have you read any of the threads about controlling men - and do you recognise any traits like that in him?

Aside from that, you shouldn't ttc unless you're sure you want another baby - it's too important for the child's well-being as well as your own that he/she is wanted and not resented.

If waiting until your dd is at school and running the risk you still won't be ready then, is a deal-breaker for him, then I think you might be best letting him go.

zikes you are right, sometimes he isn't that nice (during arguments). I'm no angel either, but sometimes I find it hard to be nice back after he has spoken to me so aggressively.

I have read many many messages on here about controlling men - he doesn't really fit the bill I don't think; I am financially independent, I go out with my friends a lot, we share the housework & childcare etc. He can just be so nasty in arguments, and seems to think he can say what he likes and then it go back to normal afterwards.

I know you are right about the baby thing, this is what I have said to him. He is now apologising and wanting the argument to disappear, but none of the underlying issues have been resolved.

It's so hard to imagine this relationship not working out though. I know I have changed my mind about the amount of children we will have. But I just really had no idea of how I was going to find the reality. And not being able to honestly discuss my feelings about it with DP is making it even harder.

OP, yes, it would be reasonable for him to split up with you if your partner wanted more children, and you didn't; just as it would be reasonable the other way round.

While you say "I'm sure one day I will want another child, I just don't know when that will be...", I hear echoes of men saying "... course, I want kids; just not yet." I understand some women fear for their chances of conceiving the longer they wait.

If he felt that more kids was a deal-breaker, perhaps he wants them while he feels young enough to enjoy them. I hope he cherishes his time with your existing DC, and maintains contact whatever happens.

Good luck with however it turns out.

One I dont think he really wants to split up though. Well he has told me he doesn't. I think if I said never ever then maybe we would have to have more serious discussions about it. But I think it would always be made to be seen as my decision and my 'fault' because I am the one not committing to a second child.

I feel backed into a corner tbh. I don't want to lose my relationship over this. But I don't want to have a baby to keep my DP - that is just so wrong!

I'd think twice about having a baby with a man who was willing to emotionally blackmail me in order to get what he wants, regardless of my feelings, tbh.

What about counselling? Could you insist that you go for counselling before you commit to having another baby? If he won't go then maybe you could go by yourself which may be helpful for you.

There are so many good reasons to have a decent gap between kids...FWIW I have 3 under 5 and I often envy people with larger age gaps. It's so hard impossibleto give a baby and toddler the attention each needs. DD will not suffer without an immediate sibling (and possibly benefit!).

I think waiting till DD is in school (or at least preschool) is an excellent compromise, and to me it's a worry he's not interested in doing any SAHD duty, especially with the new law. The idea of coming home to a happy tribe of rosy cheeked kids in their pyjamas shouting "DADDY!!" must be very appealing, but I hope he realises he needs to be sharing the work too, or it's just not fair.

Best of luck with it all.

Couple of possibly related thoughts.

I would love more children (we have 2) but I'm the sole earner (family decision, works for us) so my husband would have all the extra work once my mat leave was over. He doesn't want any more. It's difficult when one does and one doesn't and I understand it can be a deal breaker for some people. It wasn't for me because I value how good things are now, with him, more than a future possible child that I may never have with anyone else.

I was involved with the care of a woman some years ago with unexplained secondary infertility. First child was 5 or so, they'd been trying 2 years, no sibling. How would your partner cope in his perfect world if for some reason a second child just didn't happen? (the woman in question seems to have had a history similar to yours - she was booked for a laparoscopy / dye test & had to wait till she was in theatre, on her own, before she could tell us the reason for no sib in 2 years was a coil she'd had fitted without telling him).

You sound like you had a very rough deal with your daughter. I can't remember much of the first few months of my first son's life - teary sleepless angry blur for much of it. My second was easier but still no picnic - and only easier because we realised I cannot function on regularly interrupted nights because I can't get back to sleep - so my husband did all the night care. If you had PND last time at least you can be alert to it and get help if you do decide to have a second child. And you won't be harming her by not having a second, I know several extremely happy only children (ranging in age from 6 to 36!)