Domestic violence - my parents

[Anonymousplease]

I just wrote a whole long piece for this and the stupid website messed it up and it wouldn't post.
In the last 15 years I know of about 3 incidents where somehow I've ended up feeling like the parent because my mum's rang me and turned up at my house because my dad's hurt her. I know it doesn't sound like much but it eats me up and I can't bear it. Everyone thinks my mum and dad are lovely, normal people, they go to work every day, live in a nice house in a nice area. Even their best friends don't know what my dad has done but somehow its me who has to live with it eating me up. I'm 32 years old, I've got a 1 year old daughter and a wonderful husband (who would never act like my dad). Most people who meet my dad think he's lovely, my mother-in-law thinks he's lovely, she's also told me she hates men who are violent towards women, thinks it's disgusting, can't tolerate them. I have to sit there while she says that and just agree and have these thoughts in my head. Next time it happens and I'm scared it probably what am I supposed to do? How can I tell the police or someone about it when it's my dad? I've told my older brother everytime it's happened before but he doesn't do anything about it. He hasn't had to see the bruises, come home from a night out to see our mum because of what my dad did, have her stay at his house. I know people live with things like this day and day and I know I am lucky in so many ways but I can't bear that this has happened. I have a daughter and I am so scared of ever passing on any bad feelings to her. I have to get this out of my system but I'm scared that I can sense another incident brewing and I don't want anything to do with it.Last time this happened (about 4 years ago) I told my mum that I wouldn't see my dad again, that's a major thing for us, we don't really talk about feelings or anything like that, we're just not that sort of family. How ridiculous. At least my mum and dad aren't that sort of family but I don't want to be like that with my husband and daughter, I want my daughter to feel loved and secure and feel like she can talk to us or ask for help from us whenever she needs to. I can't bear the thought that I will ever do anything like my dad has done but I'm so scared as I am quite similar to him in many ways. He can be a bit rough with my daughter when he's playing with, too rough and me and my mum have told him that. He's only playing but I'm scared he will take it too far one day even if it is only playing. I'm so scared that I will take things too far one day, I can't bear that thought. I don't want to be like with my daughter. I know there's going to be arguments through the years but I can't bear the thought that I'll ever lose control so much that I will ever use violence so I have to get these feelings out so that I do not turn in to my dad.

In the last 15 years I know of about 3 incidents where somehow I've ended up feeling like the parent because my mum's rang me and turned up at my house because my dad's hurt her. I know it doesn't sound like much but it eats me up and I can't bear it. Everyone thinks my mum and dad are lovely, normal people, they go to work every day, live in a nice house in a nice area. Even their best friends don't know what my dad has done but somehow its me who has to live with it eating me up.

I'm 32 years old, I've got a 1 year old daughter and a wonderful husband (who would never act like my dad). Most people who meet my dad think he's lovely, my mother-in-law thinks he's lovely, she's also told me she hates men who are violent towards women, thinks it's disgusting, can't tolerate them. I have to sit there while she says that and just agree and have these thoughts in my head.

Next time it happens and I'm scared it probably what am I supposed to do? How can I tell the police or someone about it when it's my dad? I've told my older brother everytime it's happened before but he doesn't do anything about it. He hasn't had to see the bruises, come home from a night out to see our mum because of what my dad did, have her stay at his house.

I know people live with things like this day and day and I know I am lucky in so many ways but I can't bear that this has happened. I have a daughter and I am so scared of ever passing on any bad feelings to her. I have to get this out of my system but I'm scared that I can sense another incident brewing and I don't want anything to do with it. Last time this happened (about 4 years ago) I told my mum that I wouldn't see my dad again, that's a major thing for us, we don't really talk about feelings or anything like that, we're just not that sort of family. How ridiculous.

At least my mum and dad aren't that sort of family but I don't want to be like that with my husband and daughter, I want my daughter to feel loved and secure and feel like she can talk to us or ask for help from us whenever she needs to. I can't bear the thought that I will ever do anything like my dad has done but I'm so scared as I am quite similar to him in many ways. He can be a bit rough with my daughter when he's playing with, too rough and me and my mum have told him that. He's only playing but I'm scared he will take it too far one day even if it is only playing. I'm so scared that I will take things too far one day, I can't bear that thought.

I don't want to be like with my daughter. I know there's going to be arguments through the years but I can't bear the thought that I'll ever lose control so much that I will ever use violence so I have to get these feelings out so that I do not turn in to my dad.

Hope you don't mind me breaking your post into paragraphs, Anonymous, it might make it easier for people to reply to you.

I know how you feel - my mum had black eyes and worse from Dad, but had an amazing capacity to forget about it. Unfortunately, I didn't forget. It's horrible to feel so powerless, and horrid also to feel like the adult to your own parents. I would suggest taking photos next time she turns up, and calling the police. She doesn't have to press charges against him (I'm guessing she'd refuse) but making a report and your dad getting a caution might (just might) make one of them realise this is, in fact, serious assault.

The bigger problem for you is how to handle your own feelings! First and foremost, I want to say don't leave him alone with your child even for a second. Did he hit you? My father did, and Mum's now told me he hit the GCs really hard when no-one else was looking. Bastard.

As you say, acknowledging your own feelings is the key to ensuring you don't follow your parents' footsteps. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO KEEP THEIR SECRETS. Tell your MIL, she might even be mentioning this because of intuitions she has about your parents. Abuse thrives on secrecy, and this is NOT your responibility - by keeping stumm, you enable him! So don't!

Well done for posting your worries :) As you can see, you're breaking silence by posting and, in doing this, breaking the hold it has on you. Keep talking.
Hugs x

Yes, my parents, retired had respectable jobs, and there was domestic violence happening behind closed doors. My Mum had a couple of black eyes and she always made excuses that she banged into a door handle and so. She is still with my father today as she is from the generation that you made your bed and lay in it. I don't know how she manages to live with my father today. As a teenager in their house, my father attacked me and so I walked out.
My father is still very controlling, but my DC, now teenagers have gained an insight to how it must have been for when I lived with my parents.
I have never kept the silence like my mother has. Likewise I parent in different ways from my parents. My DC have a lot more "freedom" to do things than I was allowed to do.
What is interesting though is that my DC can say things and challenge my father in a way I was never allowed to do.

Thanks garlicbutter - was about to leave the thread without replying when I saw you had broken the OP up.

OP - what do you want? Are you looking for reassurance that you will be different to your Dad? Chances are you will be. Was your Dad ever violent towards you? You haven't said - but if he wasn't, why do you fear that you will be violent towards your DD?

If you are concerned that your Dad might hurt your DD, however accidentally, then make sure he is not alone with her; make sure that you are always there to tone down his level of "play".

Are you scared for your mum? If it's been 4y since he last hurt her (to your knowledge) then are you thinking it's about time it happened again? Your mother has to take some level of responsibility for her own safety - she leaves and comes to you but then she goes back again - can you help her to leave permanently? Or do you think that she won't, or that it's not in anyone's best interests for her to do so?

It's an awful thing to have to deal with, the knowledge that someone you know is a victim of DV and there's little you can do about it - have you anyone in RL you can talk to about it?

You sound very distressed OP.

Although you say you told your Mum you would not see your Dad after the last incident, I cannot work out whether you have or not?

As thumbwitch has said, you can ensure that your DD is not left alone with your Dad.

Your Dad is a bully. In a domestic situation they can be 'scared' of being 'outed' this is why they keep everything behind closed doors and do not display their behaviour towards others and give the appearance of loveliness. Garlic is right suggesting that everyones silence is enabling him to carry on in such a disgusting way

This is only a suggestion; you could tell your father that if he hurts your mother again you will not stand by and ignore it and will report it.

I know your position is very difficult as he is your father and it is difficult to face that he is not neccessarily the man you wish he was; however, you already know that and your posting here suggests that you are no longer prepared to just sit back and let it continue.

You could also ask the advice of Womens Aid

Call or email Women's Aid, they are definitely the best first port of call.

HTH.