How do you know that the hurt has been too big that you can get over it?

[IAmNotAFool]

and how long would you give it for everything to calm down?

I'm really after some experience from different people.
DH and I aren't really in good terms at the moment.

His behaviour has been appauling for years. I put up with it, found some excuses for it, thought it was me who was at fault.
I've felt very hurt and the best words that I've found to describe the hurt were the ones from women who found their 'D'H had had an affair (not in our case though).
Said I wanted to leave in the autumn and Dh is now on his 'best' behaviour (or at least it is acceptable - I am not sure what is a 'best' behaviour anymore. I've stopped epxtecting anything from him some time ago).

I've tried very hard not to be angry at him, to forgive/forget, concentrate on how he is now and not how he was a year ago.

But I can't. Small things remind me constantly things that he has done, how self centered he has been.

So when do you know you are starting to forgive?

When the anger has gone and you are able to forgive. Maybe it would be useful for you to go to counselling. Then you can vent and work through your feelings without anyone judging you. I also found running helps. Do you want to forgive and forget? You are not the only one who feels like this as a friend of mine is going through the same sort of thing, unless you are my friend?!

Don't know if I am your friend :)
Interresting your comment about the fact that the anger isn't gone. I found I am not angry as in being ready to explode, cause an argument. but I am certainly very annoyed by some of his attitude (whereas before I was feeling hurt).

How long did it take you to forgive (with the counselling)?

I would love to forgive but I am not sure I am ready to forget and give hm a second chance iyswim.

I have been with my DP for around 13 years. He cheated on me during for a year during the first 3 years.

How did I forgive him? I'm not sure (sorry that's not that helpful). I just knew he was a better man than that - I'd known him since I was 14 (so a full 10 years before we got together). I knew he was confused. Some people called me an idiot when I took him back, but I don't regret it for a second. We now have a fantastic relationship, we communicate brilliantly and I can honestly say he's my best friend. We're engaged and have one DS 2.7 and we lost a baby in Nov last 2010. During the last few months he's been my rock.

If you're not ready to give him a second chance yet, that's perfectly understandable! You have to talk to him and tell him EXACTLY how you're feeling and what you're thinking though. He's not a mind-reader. He has to know where he is.

If you truely want your relationship to move on though, at some point you're going to have to stop casting it up in arguments or discussions. You're just beating a dead horse. You've covered that ground, you're supposed to have sorted that out. Move on (when you have sorted it out - not now).

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I've had some vino. This is just how I dealt with my relationship

I went to counselling on and off for two years. I'm not sure I have forgiven the abusive boyfriend I had but I understood why I picked him and why I chose to stay. I'm not really a forgiving kind of person, but I do understand the feelings of wanting to! My dh and I fell out in a big way last year, we would have split up if it wasn't for the children. I had depression and he couldn't cope with my anger one minute and sleeping all day the next. We forgave each other, but we both had to change our behaviour. It can sometimes be hard not to fall into old patterns and explaining our feelings and giving each other space to stop our arguements escalating. Also we are not allowed to bring up the past. But we wanted to try because we love each other. Do you love him? My dh found it very hard not to remember and worry that I would get ill again. He found the forgiving part easier than the forgetting. Do you need to give yourself more time and him to prove he's changed or are you sick of the roller coaster relationship?

Thank you, it does make sense.

I am not sure I really want to give it a go or if I love him even.
The last 7 years have been very hard (for both of us tbh). I decided last year to take things in my hands. I know I have changed a lot in my behaviour and in my attitude to life. I am also not as exhausted as I was which does help a lot!

The idea of 'talking' is the most reasonnable one but believe it or ot I haven't managed to do that yet.
The best I've achieved is to tell DH what I thought was going wrong for him (struggle to become a dad is one of the main issue). Which he acknowledge was a big issue. And ... that's it.
Anything that I bring about how I feel, he freezes, looks at me and doesn't say a word. I can't even tell him that the dc's bike he repaired a few days ago still has a slight problem with it. So talking about 'heavy' stuff means me talking, him staring at me and not saying a word. Not the nicest experience tbh.

OP ..I am with you in a similar situation.
My OH has done many self centred selfish things over the years and this sort of culminated in a big let down which I have never forgiven him for.
We live in the same house and get along ok as it is better at present than the appalling behaviour he would show if I forced him out...and he would have dc half time so I would not be seeing them every day as I do now.