Possible NPD mother and memories of sexual abuse

[mycatthinksshesatiger]

I have namechanged for this, but am a regular.

A few years ago I realised that my mother has a lot of narcissistic traits. For example, every conversation I have with her it's about what she's been up to in minute detail, including the names of who she spoke to on company helplines. But when I mention anything about my children or the fact I may need an operation, it's as if she hasn't heard. When I was younger I was never allowed to be upset about anything at all. if so either she and my older brother laughed at me for over-reacting, or she cried and got sympathy because I had upset her. My step-father enabled her behaviour through silent compliance, and over the years she eroded his identity by ridiculing his family and friends to the point that he had to stop seeing them.

Despite being a high-achiever at school and doing v. well academically, she constantly reminds me I am worthless not in so many words but by telling me how much all her friends children have achieved, how slim/pretty they are etc - the implication has always been that I disappoint her. I have never had praise other than in the context of getting my academic ability from her.

Written down it doesn't seem like much I guess but it has added up to a lifetime of feeling worthless and a failure in her eyes. I am considering cutting contact now as she continues to belittle and drain me and my DCs are now beginning to realise she has no interest in them either. I am scared though of repercussions - would she chase me through the courts for access to the children? Not that she will miss them I don't think but will not want other people to realise this.

I would love to hear other people's experiences of cutting contact and how they actually did it/what it's been like. I am terrified of the guilt that will follow.

As well as all this I've started having some memories suggesting I was abused at around age 2-4, but of course they're not clear memories, just sensations and snapshots of things. I am constantly wondering how likely it would be to suddenly remember these things now or have I just dreamt them? I have always been told I have an over-active imagination so I just don't know; it's eating me up as I don't know if I'll ever know the truth.

Sorry this is an essay; it just helps to get it down to be honest. I am having counselling but sometimes it just isn't enough.

Written down, it DOES seem much. It seems like a very great deal actually.

I am some way down the line in a similar situation. It has only recently hit me just how very, very bad it actually was.

Overactive imagination? Who told you that?

Join us on the stately homes thread, or keep posting here. I have found it so helpful to post. Incidentally, when someone new starts to post on Stately Homes, they all think that they have no right to be there because it was so much worse for everyone else. Funny that?

Thanks thisis, your post has really helped. I have lurked on statelyhomes but feel a bit overhwelmed on there as things move quickly and I guess I have been feeling my story really isn't that bad.

My Mum always tells me i have an overactive imagination and am oversensitive. I guess in many ways I am oversensitive - but through therapy am wondering if it's because I have never been allowed to react, so now I'm an adult I over-react as I know I can in a way, if that makes any sense.

it's a very common reaction when confronted with an awful truth, to just pass the responsibility back to the victim by accusing them of having an over-active imagination.

my mum said the exact same thing to me when i confronted them about historic abuse in my family.

all you can do is dig deep, keep going to counselling and trust your own instincts. i don't see my parents anymore as the heads-in-the-sand scenario was unworkable.

I re-wrote my post to exclude the question...."your mother?" after "who told you that".

I think you have had enough of being told what you think, how you feel and who you are..

Only YOU know those things. They don't. They can't. Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they have "special powers" to define who you are.

You are who you are, and they are not you.

That IS that bad. It's so wrong, and destroys people. You don't have to be physically assaulted everyday, the emotional stuff does just as much, if not more damage.

thankyou Blinks, i feel so relieved that both you and thisis have accepted my "story" and not tried to talk me out of my feelings (which is what happens when I try to tell friends about my past/parents....). It really means a lot.

Blinks do you mind me asking how you managed to cut contact with your parents? This is the part that seems unsurmountable to me. I'm not sure I can live with the guilt.

Thankyou thisis. I am fighting back tears as I know you are right (in my head). In the pit of my stomach I have a huge ball of dread as I know I need to get these toxic people out of my life. However I know my mother would pursue me to the ends of the earth to get control again. She wouldn't be able to live with the shame of me people knowing we were out of contact.

I am considering moving to Oz and name-changing, but it wouldn't be fair on the kids as they are happy here with their schools and friends.

I have cut contact. It took a few tries, but, now I am aware of the true reality of my family, it is permanent.

It is hard, and I amaze myself at the strength that I have mustered over the last few years. When I let her back in after 5 years of NC, she spent the next 18 months trying to destroy my life. Although, as it happened, she'd been doing a darned good job without me realising for the five years previous. Trying to make out I was insane, an alcoholic, evil, etc, to try to get the courts to take my dc's away. Long story, and I'm aware that I don't know the full facts yet.

I have a feeling, an instinct, that in my case, there may have been some agency to agency communication. I hear the same from everyone. Keep me, and my kids well away. The Police, SS, Children's services, Gp, Nurse Prac.

I have been in dark places though over the years. The Samaritan's are amazing, and will make notes if it an ongoing thing, so you don't have to start from the begining each time. Just ask. They have been amazing.

i read some books, got some counselling, wrote them letters and tried to patch it up enough with my mum so she could see the kids then ultimately realised it wouldn't work so decided it was in my and my immediate family's best interests to cut contact completely. my husband was very supportive, having gone through something similar himself. i had a few great friends too.

if you do decide to confront, get counselling first and prepare yourself for them hitting you with everything they've got in order to deny your truth.

you have to rise above it every time and stay solid. do not waver, you know deep down what happened to you isn't right and that's the bottom line so don't be swayed.

it is scary but you won't die and you'll ask yourself why you didn't do it years ago, afterwards.

This Stalking the Soul is a really good book.

I am reading it at the moment. It's not an easy read , mainly due to the fact that every single sentence holds a huge truth, and so it needs time to digest it.

I am surrounded by narcs, and I do still see them. On my terms now though, and after nearly two years of psychotherapy.

I force my mother to hear what I am saying now. If she turns her head away so that she can deny what I am saying, I repeat myself until she listens. Mind you, it's only ever the most superficial stuff. I have learnt the hard way not to give my narcs any personal stuff as they just use it as a weapon later.

No-one here will deny your truth. There are sadly many of us that know exactly what you are talking about.

Keep posting. xx

hi there

i came to the same conclusion about my mum a few months ago, and posted on here, the support was lovely (have name-changed since then)

my own mother has been enabled by an alcoholic father. i have a sister who is bi-polar, but also has NPD tendencies. she is my mothers 'golden child'

how's that for fucked up eh?

what is helping me most for now, whilst i wade through my un-requited feelings and opinions (from her at least) is the mantra,'it's not your fault, it's her problem'

i keep reading the 'stately homes thread' and gain a lot of insight and hope from there too

not to give my narcs any personal stuff - yep, GIG, a lifesvaing lesson!

I have a small, very boring story of myself which is all I share with them. I had to keep reminding myself not to care what they think and/or want their approval - but I don't, and even say so.

Sometimes I feel a dreadful hypocrite. It's not too unlikely that one of them will find my posts here one day, and launch a networked attack on my secret feelings about them. But, actually, it's no secret: they just aren't interested in my feelings! And that is a GOOD thing

Thank you so much to all of you. You all sound amazingly strong. I am in awe of your determination to survive and rise above all of this crap. Sometimes I've doubted my strength to do so but I can feel it bubbling up again when I read all your stories.

Gettinganicygrip that book looks very good - though I can imagine it won't be an easy read. Garlicbutter I so get what you mean. I always assume my mum isn't listening if I try to tell her stuff about my DC or me, but then weeks later she'll tell me what someone else said about stuff I'd told her - especially if it was an achievement of one of the DC, then she'll use it for bragging purposes. I have resolved never to tell her if they win anything or do well at school or say something lovely - makes me so sad that they can never get praise from grandparents for anything.

Blinks and thisishow thank you so much for sharing your no contact stories. It makes a huge difference to see that it is possible and to glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel.

And Beaker, I love your mantra. Do you mind if I borrow it? It would kind of change the story of my life!

It clearly did happen, 'active imagination' is your mum trying to blame you...friends are not always supportive, most are dealing with issues with their own family and because they 'put up' with it, because 'that's what you do with family' and 'all they did for you'...(that's a guilt tripper). Sorry bit random their, been up since 4ish!

I broke contact with my mother just over 5 years ago, the first 2.5 years were the hardest (grandparents have no legal rights btw). She lives in a town 10 miles away. I saw her in the local town on a regular basis 'Hello X!' (desparate voice) or 'I love you dg1!' shouted down the street. She would take bus to local town then walk nearly 2 miles to my village to ring on door, sit on bench on green outside of house, post things, one dark oct night she got my dad to drive her to our house to drop off 8 bin bags of my old toys outside of house, had memorial of me in 'in loving memory of dd' etc pictures of me and her and my sister...cards for childrens bdays, xmas etc It was harrassment, the guilt was terrible at times, I just went into lockdown constantly trying to tell myself I was doing what was best for me and dd1, was on stately homes alot when I found it...that really helped. Psychotherapist less so, he spent much of his time trying to convince me to try again, as do a lot of my friends who know what she and my sister were like. Family's are 'meant' to be together...

Anyway 5 years on, the pressure has lifted, dealt with fact mil (who I don't see) is in contact with my mother, nothing I can do. Dealt with fact my uncle thinks I should be with my family. What do they all know. Not missed my family once, honestly. Not missed the blood boiling anger of being around mother and sister, not missed the weird little world they live in devoid of compassion or social skills or the bullying. I don't know what I would be like if I still saw them now, probably where I was 5 years ago!

It has been worth it, I would do it again. Her voice will always be with you in your head berating you, but you can work on silencing it, or telling her to 'bog off' or make sarcastic comments back...it has worked for me...thinking about it, I don't hear it too often now, and its muffled or ignored most of the time.

Other best advice is get support around you. Most of the time NOT friends, chances are you have attracted friends like her into your life too. That will change as well, I have a group of very nice normal friends now, they all have issues from their past and dealt with it in their own way and moved on to become relatively normal people too :). Post on Stately Homes, it does move fast but when you are going through a divorce just posting about yourself and not everyone else is understandable (I posted for hours to everyone but dd1 slept all day at time!) but it can leave you intimated to post sometimes esp if you leave it a whole day:D but Stately homes is very good for bracing you for her behaviour.

Best go, got to go out and not dressed!!

Take care, you can do it and your NOT imaging it!!

ax

Hi
I second what everyone above has said.

Also just a thought but what about hypnosis to try and find out what happened? I have never tried it but i have read that it can help remember events. But i would have counciling before and after to deal with the resurfacing images/memories.

I understand how it seems like a dream or not real. I have two events from my childhood that are sex related - one where i heared a conversation between my mum and dad about someone getting the sack at my dad's work for being caught having a BJ by an admin girl. I feel so bad about understanding what they were saying that i could never ask if it happened or not. I went thru a phase thinking it was a dream but then i got stronger and relised no it happened.

If the memories are sufacing then i think you are stronge enought to face them now.

Its really naff but i like the saying "that god does not give you anything that you cant deal with".

I like to think that when these memories surface its because you are at a place and time in your life that you are ready to deal with the issue.

The thing about the friends is so true. I found that when I had my lightbulb moment which then led to my total breakdown, some of my friends turned out to be just like the narcs in my life.

One or two of them attacked me with venom when I left my exH, and of course some of them listened to his lies about me and I have never seen them again, four years later.

I lost alot of friends at that time, but when I think about them now, the ones who are 'normal' have been great.

I think we walk around with a big sign stuck to our foreheads saying 'narcs' assistant' until we see the light.

I lived my life thinking that there was something terribly wrong with me. now I know that it was wrong with them. All I did was what I had been trained to do by my parents.

I find the Stately Homes thread really difficult. I have joined it once or twice, meaning to stay, but it does move very fast, and I have found that I can't keep up with it.

Gettinganicy you are so right about the friends bit. I had a lighbulb moment when I realised I had been out with 5 different friends one week, supposedly to "catch up" (school holidays and hadn't seen them properly all term...) but it suddenly dawned on me all they had done was offload their worries onto me. Not one had asked how I was or how my studies were going. It was all about them. And I thought they were my closest friends but they really just saw me as a symapthetic free counselling service! So I have started putting up boundaries a lot more with friends - am losing some but not in a bad way. As my therapist says it's good practice for putting boundaries up with my narc mother.

Snowdrop I've seen you on stately homes and you seem amazingly brave and focused. I think you are right that I'm remembering these things for a reason now. I wonder if my brain thinks it's time to deal with them, but it's so hard when there's no-one else who can back up what you remember. Your tale of a memory tells another tale doesn't it....

ally it sounds like you have been to hell and back cutting contact. You are an inspiration - it sounds like you've been through so much but never lost sight of who you are and what you want. I know I would have crumbled under the guilt at some point, which is what worries me about cutting contact. How do you know when you're strong enough....

I think you are brave for faceing these issues, a lot of people ignore them and never learn more or grow.

I think the ability to face this problems make us better people in the end. To learn to deal with friend and family in a way that is rewarding to us insead of being put down or being used or just having negative influances in out lives.

I also think they teach us more about our selves. We all find our own way to deal with our family. There are a lot that is the same as the same behaviour upsets everyone but the difference is allowing it to happen or putting stratagies in place to prevent it from happening in the first place.

Looking at the behaviour of other people has help me focus on my own and to see that i can be a better person than i am.

I am always learning and the stately home thread is so fab as the people on it have the same issues and have different stratagies i can learn.

Nothing will ever change the past and nothing can ever make it ok or better. But we can learn to not let it affect our future. Sometimes the issues are so complext that we may not even see that it affects our behaviour today and that it could take the rest of our lives to find all the damaged bits but its not a race or a compation and even if a little bit gets better than its a bit better for your children.

I'm not brave i'm scared that what happened to me will affect the way my son behaviour and reacts to people. I'm fighting this for him not me, but the byproduct of sorting my issues out is some peace for me so its all good but rought at times too.

Keep talking, keep posting, keep processing, keep growing and hopefully things will get easier.

Thankyou snowdrop you speak a lot of sense. I am slowly beginning to let go of my sense that I was cheated out of a childhood. I am learning to let go of my grief for not having the mother I craved and imagined. I am also slowly learning to respond to the critical voice in my head, as ally suggests...But it is so hard. Every day when I wake up I remember with a jolt what I am dealing with, that today will be tinged with sadness/guilt/mourning.

Thanks so much to you all for your acceptance and encouragement. It's so hard in RL as only DH understands, and I feel bad for constantly talking about this.

mycat

(of course you can use that mantra )

the only way to understand and then heal is to talk about it, and i too am wary of overloading my DH with it all.

if we had not talked about our mothers here, how many of us would be suffering and accepting the way we have been brought up?

Snowdrop
you are spot on about friends! i truly didn't make the link until now, that a lot of my 'good' friends in RL are narcs too!

since i left my job to be a SAHM (hate that term btw) my 'best' mates all dumped me. i thought it was because they thought i would be too busy for friends. that they were dumping me as i had another focus in my life - but realising it's THEIR problem, is indeed a lightbulb moment.

thank all you so much.

i will heal

Mycat - you're not alone - I've posted on off the beaten track about some of my own story. My mother indeed does have npd or borderline pd. Only problem is that I managed to find a psychotherapist who was almost as narc as she was!

In desperation to get some information that she wouldn't give me, I even contacted my childhood gp - who had the cheek to say "there is such a thing as false memory, dear".

I'm not sure that any ethical therapist would consider hypnotising someone to uncover memories. It can lead to accusations of false memory syndrome if the therapist has made suggestions rather than open questioning. This would be particularly important if you were to report the abuse to the police.

To help deal with the aftermath of abuse, hypnotherapy can be used as part of the therapeutic process. It may happen as a by-product that, when in a sufficiently deep state of relaxation, the memory expands. I found it a bit like looking at an old sepia photograph that was faded out at the edges - some of the fuzzy bits became focussed.

The person I was seeing, tried to relax me more, even taking advice from the college that trained her, but I was just too frightened under hypnosis for that to work.

The other thing to be absolutely sure of, is that the person you see is working under supervision. He also had a comb-over worthy of Arthur Scargill. I just feel stupid that I didn't realise what a narc he was. He told me he didn't work under supervision as 'there wouldn't be anyone experienced enough to supervise me' which missed the point of supervision. It may be to help, but it's also to stop therapists of going off on one of their own pet projects - with him it was narc mothers - he still had untreated issues and couldn't leave the sbject alone.

Good luck with your journey, and, if you feel able to, please don't hesitate to report it to the police. In my experience, they couldn't be kinder.

I like the comments about narc friends - it made me realise that I've done the same thing too. And they all treated my like shit - reinforcing my distorted self-image in the process.

Take care

TB you give some really good advice. I didn't realise some therapists worked without supervision. He sounds totally unprofessional.

Unfortunately if I was abused, and it's still an "if" as I would only have been aged 2-4 and so my memories are more of snapshots, strange sensations etc, I have nothing at all really to take to the police. Not even sure if my abuser - my father - is still around. He stopped visiting when I was 12 and haven't heard from him since. I have no-one to back up my story - hence the nightmare as I remember snippets and have no idea if it's just my imagination playing tricks on me. As my DH has said, if it did happen it would basically explain my whol life story and my Mother's/family's treatment of me that he has witnessed. But I'm not sure I will ever know the truth.

I have considered hypnosis and am thinking it will feature somewhere along this path, though at the moment I'm not sure I could handle the strong emotions I sense it would produce.

TB what your GP said was shocking. How dare he :(

mycatthinkshesatiger - Just do it. I was 8 mth pg at the time and when I look back I was in a right old state. You just have to believe that you don't have to put up with their behaviour anymore. If they were 'normal' or empathetic parents who you often told your troubles to, got empathy, sensible kind advice from, hugs, parents/mother you could lean on...you would be talking to her/them, not on here!

Have you tried 'divorcing a parent' by Beverley Engel...that was my bible at the time. She did suggest a load of 'speak to them' but I didn't go there, it was too much to deal with along with being pg. 5 years on I have lost the urge to speak to them and have them acknowledge the emotional abuse, their too wrapped up in themselves, that's narcs for you. And I have dropped a lot of baggage along the way. Friends set me back alot, after councelling and dropping my family I thought I would 'get better' quicker than I did, but still managed to choose the wrong friends, I had to reset my internal compass which took time. I have a narc friend right now, but I know her for what she is, straight away and I meet up as our children like each other but I don't let her into my life, I am v distant and never return calls but meet up when I feel like it. Won't tell you all the times I've given her kids a lift to school and fumed about not being able to say no afterwards some things take longer than others!

And when you face up to the fact you were abused, 'realisation' is what I call it, then you begin your shock/horror/grief/denial/disbelief etc etc...its the grieving process. You feel guilty as that is what you have been made to feel 'its all your fault' and you want to in some ways mend the relationship rather than face up to what they actually did to you. Its tough, and you will feel awful. BUT, NOT forever :) Deal with each day as it comes, you can do it. She needs to treat you the way you deserve to be treated and to show compassion for you and gc. If she can't do that and drains you with her behaviour its time to move on and start healing.

Waffle over, long time since I posted...just think in 5 years you could be posting that its only a posted letter away. (and on the day my letter would have arrived I drove the car 15 mile from home to a beauty spot with a packed lunch and stayed all day, dare not be at my home to face them!!)

ax

God I cannot believe I'm laughing a bit about it all now! Not that its a joke, v serious but my reaction to sending a letter saying I don't want to see you right now...see you can get further than you think you can.

Hi Mycat

It is so hard isn't it? I will tell my story briefly

I posted on stately homes and like you at first I found it hard to get started. I felt my issues were nowhere near as bad as other posters and felt a bit of a fraud. However once I got started and opened up, along with therapy I began the hardest but most worhtwhile journey of my life

I was adopted by my maternal grandmother and her second husband. She is malignantly narcissistic and he is a manipulator and an abuser. Whilst pregnant with my second child I confronted them and opened up a lot of hidden truths and lies about my family and background. My biological mother suffered mental health problems and I now believe she too was abused and mistreated by them.

I too was consistently told I was over sensitive and had an over active imagination. It is such an old worn tactic used by such people. You sum up beautifully in your first post how they operate - it is all about them or how they appear. They sacrifice their true selves for an image.

I too have strange memories and sensations about possible sexual abuse at the hands of my adoptive father. Snippets which don't amount to conclusive proof. As it stands I have no contact with him, but in a way he made it easy. he cut me out of his life when I wrote a letter and confronted him about his bullying and emotional abuse (although not the possible sexual abuse). I have minimal contact with my maternal grandmother but on my terms and I have absolutely no expectations about the relationship. I discuss the weather and mundane things my children have done.

You can take steps to protect yourself. Caller ID, short phone calls on your terms and visits for a length you specify and with someone you trust there at all times. However if this is too much you are well within your rights to cut contact all together. We have all felt the guilt, an honour your mother and father doctrine embedded in our culture. However you have to learn to believe your truth and minimise seeking external validation (something you may have learnt to do from childhood as you weren't allowed to trust your own instincts)

I would definately get a good therapist and read, read and read. I learnt so much from amazing authors such as Alice Miller.

It may make you distrustful of people for a while. I know once I opened up my eyes to my childhood, I realised that there a lot of damaged people out there. Also a lot of people won't see your point of view because they are burying hurtful truths about their own families and childhood.

However I have discovered some genuinely amazing people who have listened and believed (my therapist for one). You sound like you are strong and have the most important gift of all - insight. you know something wasn't right and you are brave enough to challenge it. Good luck with your journey, you can get to a place where you feel stronger and can live with the truth.