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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

15 year friendship. Is it time to call it a day?

8 replies

PeppaPotts · 09/04/2011 00:51

My best friend has given me an ultimatum today. I am thinking of dropping her for wanting to control me like this. I have listened to her, but don't agree and resent the 2 week silence she's just put me through. I am a little miffed at this possesive, manipulating and jealous side of her. Is it the end?

----if you like long stories....please read below---

(Backstory) My best friend, I'll call her 'Sara', met another friend of mine called Joanna. I'd known Sara for about 15 years, and Joanna for 12 years. Joanna was a colleague who became a close friend. They both knew of eachother but weren't friends. They met more regularly after I had the baby 4 years ago, and seeing as I couldn't accompany them as much to restaurants, cinemas, bars, clubs as frequently, and they were still childfree and single, they spent a lot of time together.

They now don't get on. Joanna finds Sara very tiring and draining. Sara finds Joanna very unreliable. However, the relationships I have with them is different. Today Sara said it vexes her to hear about my freindship with Joanna as she feels like she's been treated badly by her. (Late text replies, no communication, not willing to meet up etc.) She suggested that I should stick up for her and boycott Joanna's birthday.

Sara had only recently text Joanna asking to meet up. Sara never mentioned this text to me. Joanna told me this when she was round mine. Joanna had text back saying she's busy. Their relationship seems to be based on going out, or meeting up and they never phone eachother or email, whereas I speak to them both for hours.

2 weeks ago, I text Joanna and asked her if she wanted to come round to mine. Joanna came round for dinner after work. Sara called me during that time and heard her. I said Joanna is round, and since then Sara stopped talking to me.

I know it's childish, but I am sick of the drama this is creating. Sara stopped replying to my text messages. 3 days later I asked if anything was wrong, she said no, she's just busy. A week later, still no calls or text which is very strange as we speak almost every day. I called and asked what's happening. She said she's watching the cricket but that she isn't ignoring me. Today, I called her several times and she picked up. Sounded really casual about my text messages and calls. She feels like I encourage Joanna's bad friendship behaviour and that Joanna has treated her really badly and she doesn't want to hear about her anymore. I told Sara I don't speak to her about Joanna, except that she's round or that we had dinner...as we have been for the last 12 years? She said it's too much for her and she can't talk to me as long as I'm friends with Joanna.

It's childish. It's stupid. I think I already know the answer. Do I give Sara the space and let her come round. Shall I dump Joanna who calls me a lot and we also have a great relationship. I suggested to Sara they should both meet up and have it out with eachother but she doesn't like the idea of that either. What shall I do. Salvage the relationship or call it a day?

OP posts:
Pigglesworth · 09/04/2011 03:42

I would just give Sara space. I would stop asking her "what's wrong", she's probably thriving off that. I wouldn't drop Joanna. I wouldn't actively cut off Sara. I wouldn't suggest Sara and Joanna "have it out" with each other. It's just unnecessary drama. Everyone doesn't have to be friends with everyone. Sara sounds like a clingy drama queen.

If Sara insists she won't talk to you while you talk to Joanna, I would explain to her that while you hugely value Sara's friendship and a 15-year friendship is a precious thing, you can't allow yourself to be told who to associate with, and it would sadden you if she decided to cut you off because of that, but that would be her decision.

empirestateofmind · 09/04/2011 05:46

How old are these women? Sara sounds like a teenager (and an immature one at that).

I agree with Pigglesworth- do not let anyone dictate who you are friends with. Continue to spend time with Joanna and if Sara is going to ignore your texts just let her be. Do not give her tantrums oxygen.

Make it clear you want to be friends with each of them but totally understand that they don't get on with each other.

PeppaPotts · 09/04/2011 13:55

Thank you for replying. I feel like not rushing into anything, but also don't want to play any games with anyone. I really dislike the position Sara has put me in. We are all in our 30s empirestateofmind but I agree with you that Sara sounds like a teenager. Yesterday when I spoke to her the first thing she said was, "how's it going with your best friend?" I was a bit confused who she meant as I also have a few other very close friends. Not sure I want this drama in my life and much prefer to know where I stand with people. Feel like cutting her off for a while.

OP posts:
epicfail · 09/04/2011 14:19

If you are sick of the drama, then I think you should just do nothing. Continue to see Joanna and if Sara arcs up, well thats Sara's problem. She sounds like a 7 year old, not a woman in her 30s.

Having just been friend-divorced by someone I was friends with for 23 years, I can honestly say that it hurts, a lot, but if people want to cut off their noses to spite their faces, there is little you can do to stop them.

ScarlettWalking · 09/04/2011 14:29

After being in similar situations I have a rule where I only spend time with people whose company I love and feel positive by being with. By this I mean I don't want to analyse what people meant when they said this or that, funny comments or digs about who I am friends with or how I spend my time.

I have small exceptions when I have to stick around for playdates for dd when I have to be civil for her sake! But true friends don't make you feel like this, honestly it's a drain on precious life energy.

PeppaPotts · 09/04/2011 17:24

epicfail have I been friend-divorced, or would I be friend divorcing her? I knew it would kill me to end it with Sara. If the decision came from her end, then in some ways I'd be okay with that. She does normally make me feel wonderful and we enjoy eachothers company a lot. We were like soulmates : (

Sara has recently started getting 'very drained' by people. She has stopped going to certain gym classes - because so-and-so is attending. She has started blocking other friends on facebook, because she doesn't want to know who's getting married, or who's going to someone's party, as she wasn't invited. Because I heard a lot of this I can imagine almost quite freakily how she is feeling about Joanna. Is she going through a phase of de-cluttering freinds?

This is the first time in about 4 years that we've had a bit of a Hmm It's very hard knowing what to do.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 09/04/2011 17:51

She is jealous that you have such a good relationshion with Joanna and she doesn't. She tried to have that relationship with her but Joanna was just happy to go out with her on occasion.

It isn't your battle to fight. YOu don't drop one friend because the other is being childish which is what Sara is being.

Let her get on with it and fester in her own self pity.

spidookly · 09/04/2011 18:03

Of course you shouldn't dump Joanna, and I'm sure you're not seriously considering it.

The only thing you can do here really is explain to Sara that you love her but that her relationship with Joanna is her affair. Unless Joanna has done something frightful to Sara, their relationship is between them.

Tell her you won't be able to go along with her demands, that you think she is being unfair, but that you hope you can still be friends.

If she says no, just tell her she knows where you are should she ever change her mind.

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