'Best' custody arrangements

[ninja]

H ann I have been together 17 years and now he wants to leave. We have 2 girls aged 7 and 2

This isn't a great surprise as things have been bad on and off for a long time and to be honest he was horrible to live with recently (he says it's all my fault though).

He's said that I can stay in the house (and buy him out of his half somehow) but wants the kids half the time.

He initially came up with an arrangement that basically alternated days (which fits around his footy) he's revised this because he's realised that it doesn't work for weekends. Now he's proposing a 2 week timetable which even I'm struggling to get my head around.

I;m just looking for sdvice really as the most pain free solution for the kids (rather than just what'll fit around our hobbies).

I've been quite calm up until this point, but this is just really upsetting me. I'm lucky to be working only 3 days a wee, but I get up with the kids EVERY day and have tea with them every day and the thought of not doing that is awful. H isn't one for getting up in the mornings and is never there for tea during the week. I'm not sure how this is all suddenly going to change.

Any other advice about how to make it less painful for the kids would be gratefully received.

Thanks

Just read back thru' the thread and wanted to say sorry, OP, for sounding so unsympathetic - it was not really your post I was emotionally reacting to and after 17 years of course you are entitled to feel devastated. In fact all credit to you for sounding as measured as you are.

It is sad but true that some men become better fathers post split - although having said that, lots of Mums are happier, too, and therefore have a better experience.

I have long said there should be far more support for parents who are splitting. You have to run through lots of different ideas and some of them reflect the emotional state we are in, instead of the needs of the children. You have to balance the needs of a 2 year old and the needs of a 7 year old, which is likely to be really challenging. However, don't feel you have to find the perfect solution immediately - there's bound to be a bit of disruption, but they will come through it - and so will you. Trust your instincts. And FWIW, getting all hard line and threatening court hardly ever improves the working relationship, so you need to think very carefully about it.

Hi, the first thing I noticed when I read your post is that he is the one making the demands here. You should feel able to put forward your suggestion and most importantly what you feel would work best for the children. It should revolve around their routine, not his. You should not feel you should have to give into his wishes - you are coming out of that relationship now. Not keen on the idea of 50;50 myself - I feel children need to have the stability of having a main home and primary carer, especially the 2 year old but that's me and not everyone is the same.

I split up with XH around 3 months ago. We were still on really good terms, we just realised that we didn't want to be in a relationship with each other, or live with each other. We have a DD(nearly 3) and 2 dogs.

He found a place very close by, within walking distance (he doesn't drive, I do). He works Saturdays and has Tuesday off, and has always been the carer on a Tuesday (I'm a Mon to Fri worker).

He suggested 50:50, which has worked out fantastic. When I have DD, he has the dogs, and vice versa. The dogs get a lot more attention anyway! We alternate Saturday nights so we get time to do our own things and be social. We cherish the time we do have with her and can get all the boring jobs done when she's not there so we can do fun stuff. DD has adapted so well to it, she really took it in her stride. I'm glad we did it before she got any older.

We get on so well we're all going on holiday in May together. If it really is an amicable split, there's no reason why you can't share residency if it's convenient for you both. When the time comes for her to go to school, we may have to rethink things. But we're flexible and friendly with each other, and we still enjoy the odd day out together. People can't understand why we've split up!

Thanks everyone, there are a lot of really useful comments and things to think about.

Balia you don't need to apologise I was a bit at first but actually it did make me think that being selfish and worrying about what I'm losing isn't actually that helpful in the long run.

To the other posters I did think at first we could be amicable as the first couple of times we talked about it were the first times we'd managed not to argue about an issue in a long time, Hopefully it'll get back to that.

The thing is H IS a good dad, he is great with the kids (in the way that a Dad is, not worrying about when they'll eat - but they will) but I do think it's often on his terms and he doesn't realise all the things that go on in the background. He may well step up to the mark and maybe I should have more confidence in that. They will be fed, arrive at school, hair may not be brushed but .....

MrsColour I kniow what you mean about a 2 year old, she'll be 3 by the time he leaves, but she still seems like my baby.

SGB I will see a solicitor, as I say I'm just trying to get things straight in my head. I don't mind him staying if it means he can get a nice house for the kids to stay in, and sort out everything properly.

Smum thanks - it's right that different things ight be right at different times and yes he is hurting too. He's not happy, hates his job, his blood pressure is high recently. He thinks it's all my fault but I think he's just taking it out on me (friends who I've spoken to who know us both agree).

So thanks for the advice.

Just to reiterate what someone else said....he may become a more responsible/better father once he is doing it on his own.

I have a friend who left her partner of 15 years because of his drinking and abusive behavior. She didn't fight on the issue of shared care because that's the norm here in the usa and you really have to fight to have it be something else. She was sure that he would not rise to the occasion and that within 3 months she would have full custody of her child without a fight. It has now been almost 2 years and her ex more than rose to the occasion. They are still doing shared care, he is drinking much less and they actually have a relatively friendly relationship and really support each other when it comes to parenting issues. Their daughter is the most well adjusted child of divorced parents I have ever seen.

Your story may not work out quite so well, but at least there is a possibility.

Thanks Sofia I'm sure H can do it, I just hope we can do it amicably.

I'm still trying to work out a least disruptive pattern of nights at different houses, without having a whole week away from the kids. Nanette do you do week on week off?

Agree with balia . always start at 50/50. I find it pretty outrageous that so many want to berate the other parent for seemingly having the gall to want to spend time with their own children.

For the most part from what I have seen here, the week at a time seems to be a chunk of time that works well for everyone. But everyone I have spoken to says that's its essential to do a cross visit in the middle of the week. It not only lets the other parent see the children, but it forces the parents to interact as parents and is very helpful for the children. I've also been told that the choice of changeover day is important and should be reflective of the kids' (and parents') schedule. You will almost certainly need to do some adjustments as thing progress and as you reassess your children's needs. Best of luck. You are already walking into this with a positive attitude and a view to doing what's best for your children. As obvious as that sounds, it's amazing how rare it can be. I think you will be very successful in providing stable loving households for your kids.

One week i have her from Tuesday night til Sunday midday, then the next week I pick her up from nursery on Wednesday and drop her off Saturday just before bed time. We have to work around his hours and days off really, as he works in retail. We're really flexible with it, but we're mindful that she needs some predictability. It means it's very rare for me to be able to go out for a Friday drink with colleagues tho, unless he babysits for me.

Thanks Nanetta, I just seem to have days running round in my mind. It's trying to both get weekend, both get some time off, both have some time with each kid by themselves ....

H is being a bit more reasonable now (I think he must have heard me crying in the night) he's looking for a house close by which should help .... I think.

Living close by is really helpful. DD's nursery is equidistant and within walking distance of our homes. It was fortunate that a nice place came up so quickly after we decided to separate; rental properties are in such demand at the moment.

I really hope it works out for you. It is possible if you both still care about each other's happiness as friends. XH and I agreed that we should both strive to make life easier for each other, not harder.

We've also discussed the possibility of new partners in the future and what that would mean. If it is amicable, we found it helpful to agree something early on.

Just to add to what some other posters have said... I was 10 when my parents separated and we had 50/50 care, 1 week at mums, 1 week at dads. It worked for our family, as far as I know I'm not a damaged child and it was good to see our parents having to interact in a civil manner once a week for changeover. I think the weekend off from us also helped them in building their new relationships.

I had always thought of my dad as just the 'fun' parent until he got his own house, redecorated, sorted out rooms for us and surprised us with his sparkling cleaning! Sometimes people just need to be put in the situation where they have to get on with it...

I think what nanetta has said about making life easier for each other is spot on. If there is any animosity your kids will pick up on it.

Thanks

Have just joined Mumsnet and am looking for guidance on how you put access arrangements on a legal footing. Spring ChickenGoldBrass do you have any advice.

I too am sorry for your situation. It's not easy and feels like dividing up your DCs' lives.

When you have been DCs' primary carer it is hard to hand over responsibility and trust that they will have clean clothes, be fed well, get to bed at a reasonable hour etc. Not to mention the empty feeling when they are not with you. It's important I think to start by trusting that your H can do just as good a job as you (although he may give different importance to different things from you). My exP, like yours, was never particularly hands on, but he was great fun with DCs. He had to go through a sleep learning curve on the cooking, washing front, but I cannot fault him on what he does now. As someone else said, they can change when there is no one else to fall back on. As for you, in time I'm sure you will enjoy and look forward to the time you have to yourself.

ExP and I have now been separated for over 2 years and at the time of our separation the DCs were a little older than yours, so they could probably make a larger contribution to the decision about how much time they would spend with each parent.

ExP said at the outset he wanted/could cope with DCs for two nights per week. We have tried variations on this formula and now have an arrangement that works for all, esp DC. In term times, we alternate weekends, and one night in the week DCs are always with exP. In the week when they will be spending the weekend with me, they have an additional night with exP. In the holidays exP has DC for a week (two in the summer) and the DCs know they can always ask to come and stay the night at other times. We even alternate Christmas and birthdays (but overlap by a few hours on each of these). We email frequently about things like homework, invitations from friends, not because we don't talk but in case we forget to mention things. Also, while we work hard to keep the routine, we do try and be flexible if anything important comes up and will cover (wrong word I know) for each other. All possible because we both live close to DCs' school and only a couple of miles apart (and also because I resolved my anger for exP to concentrate on interests of DCs; I promise I am no saint but of this I'm very proud). It sounds complicated, but I think what I am trying to convey is mutually agree an arrangement (much easier I know when the starting point I had was 2 days/week, not 50:50) but don't see it as set in stone, but rather something that can be reviewed once tried.

But I am not sure how easy it is to try this out while under the same roof, and living together for 6 months in full knowledge that you are to separate, to me sounds very stressful.

steep not sleep

tbh undermyskin living under the same roof doesn't feel too bad atm as we're not arguing which is a relief.

There are going to be bad days but there always were.

He kicked me into the spare room in January so I'm getting used to it.

I keep thinking at least we can sort out rooms for the kids in the new house and get it sorted for us and them. I'm guessing telling DD1 before H moves out is a good idea too.

I think H will live maximum of a mile away and maybe closer (there's a really good house available in the next street which would be great for he kids but might be a bit odd)

Have you considered one parent to have Sunday to Tuesday and the other to have Thursday to Saturday, with Wednesday being shared?

I do agree with the 50/50 but it will only work if both parties are being reasonable and putting the DC's interests first which, to start with, he wasn't.