Where to start- sorting out my marriage

[Purplesparkle]

I am having sleepless nights worrying about this and would really appreciate some advice. I feel like such a horrible person as I feel like I have fallen out of love with my husband and am desperate to put it right.

The good things about him:
He is incredibly kind and thoughtful- had a special photo card made for mothers day, had organised lovely presents etc.
He loves me to bits and always writes really moving messages in cards etc. He tells me how gorgeous I am all the time (which is not even true- I am very average looking)
He is always super-encouraging about my career goals, encouraging me to do whatever will make me happy
He tells me I am a fab mother all the time
He is fabulous with our 10 month old dd- was always happy to get up in the night to give her expressed milk from a bottle before she slept through (although I usually did the week days because of his work). He changes nappies, reads stories, plays etc and genuinely enjoys spending the time with her.
He is generally a lovely lovely person- all my friends describe him as 'sweet'.

The things which have become issues for me:
He has no hobbies as he feels he doesn't have time, and doesn't have any real friends. He always gets on well with people he works with and they keep in touch and have the occasional drink (ie once every 6 months or so). But he doesn't have friends he sees regularly. These two things combined mean I feel a huge pressure to be his whole life as he doesn't really have any other interests. I have suggested hobbies etc hundreds of times, even finding a local tennis club which runs til 10.30pm so would fit round work, but he never follows it up.
He makes little effort with his appearance out of work (always looks immaculate for work). I sometimes find it hard to feel attracted to him as he looks scruffy. I don't generally care what a guy looks like in terms of physical attributes but do like it when they make the best of themselves etc.
He has terrible adult acne all over his back and makes no effort to sort it out and again I find this a real turn off due to the lack of effort. Years ago I suggested he went to the docs and he did, the cream didn't work and then he just left it. I have mentioned it again recently but I don't want to go on about it too much as I am worried about damaging his self confidence.
He can be quite 'wet' and behave a bit like a well behaved head boy in terms of how he speaks to people- he is very deferential.

I feel like the most shallow, horrible person in the world but I want to feel like I love my husband to bits. He deserves someone who does as he's so lovely. What can I do? I don't want to leave him. He is lovely and these are all my issues not his. I am starting to get attracted to other people which makes me hate myself.

He is due home now so will log off and read any replies tomorrow. Thanks so much for reading the essay!

Hello there, how long have you two been together? How old is he?

I'll be honest, and maybe others will disagree - I think your list of minuses doesn't quite stand up to the list of positives. So many women would erm...take serious action.... to share their lives with someone that considerate and loving. Not quite sure how much I can add to that. I take it he is also in a decent job, ie. playing his part to support the family and all that? You win - my husband has always been amazingly affectionate and loving, great with DS, but I've maintained him for the ca. 11 years we have been together (and now he's gone and had an affair, the wanker). The many truly good things about him mean that despite everything it's hard for me to walk away without trying.

On the minuses - no friends. Kinda weird, why is that? Just a total introvert? My BIL is the same and it frustrates my sister no end. My suggestion is to just ignore it, stop trying to be his whole life and get on with yours. You want to go out with your mates, you do it - you've got a fantastic babysitter, haven't you?! If he moans that you're leaving him on his own then answer him kindly - "listen, I know you're not the kind that wants to go out on the razzle, and that's fine, but surely that shouldn't stop me having the social life I've always wanted?"

Scruffiness - well, at least he looks immaculate for work! Jump him when he gets home and still has the suit on! Or try and make sure he doesn't put clothes on at all . TBH, I'm a bit scruffy myself so wouldn't really know what to tell you here. I just don't think it's that important.

Acne - I can see how that would be a turn off, but again not something to ditch/diss a loving father and husband over. Is it something you can do anything about - ie. off to Boots for a nice tube of cream and a massage when he gets home?! Not many men would say no to that!

Let's see what the others have to say.

I would also agree that going on what you've said there, his good points massively outweigh his bad!

Is he a happy person in himself? It sounds like you would like him to be different but I wonder how he feels about the way he is

Hmm - sorry but I think he sounds lovely.

Don't undervalue how much of a difference all the 'sweet' little things make. Far better to be with a loving but shy and scruffy man than an immaculate, social butterfly who takes you for granted.

I would have done anything to be with a man like your DH.
Maybe its not so much that you dont think you love him, but maybe you dont fancy him right now? It could be that you just need to work on getting that "spark" back

If I was one of your girlfriends i would be saying - how's the sex?

How many hobbies and close girlfriends do you have?

Also - be a bit proactive? Have you told him you want him to make more of an effort with his appearance at home? Get some remedies for the adult acne sorted yourself - maybe an over the counter remedy or think about whether he is sensitive to washing powder etc. It is very common to feel like this when you have a little one, honest!