Spending a lot of my time feeling lonely and sad

[Orchidlady]

I have posted before about problems with relationship with DP, things have not improved despite his assurances that he would see the GP about the ED problem, the trouble is he announced last night that he cancelled his appointment after a month waiting ( tbh I don't think it was ever made in the first place). He says he is extremely embarrassed and thinks the Doc will laugh @ him. Again accused me that it is all my fault anyway and does not fancy me, then comes to bed a couple hours later and tries to have sex, just don't get it. I am @ my wits end, I just don't know what to do. This is ridiculous. I sorry to admit that I fantasising about having sex with another man, just want to feel desired in that way I suppose. As the subject line says I feel lonely and sad a lot of the time but also have a feeling that if we split it could be even worse. I do kind of love him ( we have been together to 18 years) but tbh I have lost respect for him. We have a lovely home which I would find hard to maintain on my own but surely there is more to life than this. He is depressed and know has some serious hang-ups but don't know what I can do to help, he said he would see a Sex therapist but presumably you would need to visit the GP first.? Sorry for the rant but any thoughts suggestion would be gratefully received.

Oh you poor thing. No wonder you're feeling lonely and sad - I'm sure it's not so much the ED (although that's very difficult to have to deal with) as the fact that your DP won't do anything about it and blames it on you.

Can you go with him to see the GP? This is a problem that affects both of you, and if he is going to get over it he will need to get over his embarrassment and get medical/psychological help but he will need your support and help too.

Your DP can't spend the rest of his life in denial over this and expect to be happy, and it's not fair to expect you to deal with it when he is giving such conflicting messages - and being so unkind to you.

OL

Please tell me you do not want to spend the next 18 years like this?. You are now 45 and you can start again. I think he has systematically taken all your confidence away over the years and now you are growing flowers in the hole you are in.

It is of no surprise to me at all that he has said what he has and for what its worth I do not think he ever made such an appt in the first place.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He has already told you he does not love neither you or his son. He is a nasty individual who just sees you as his skivvy.

You were given some harsh yet wise counsel last time; did you take any of it on board?.

Attila, I know you are right in many ways, I know I have lost my confidence, I know I deserve better, the trouble is I keep thinking things are going to change and improve. In many ways we get on well and he can be kind and thoughtful, I believe he say these terrible things not because means them because he goes into self destruct mode. It is really hard to explain., am I kidding myself

He has to treat the depression first, then see how things are. Just stick to that line of argument. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

ttallo, thanks for your thoughts you are absolutely right, if I felt he was trying to help himself I would support him 100% but he is in denial and tells lies to cover himself. Yes I would go with him to the GP. I have told him this butr he has to make to appointment. oh dear it is so sad and pathetic.

Would he go if you make the appointment for him, OP?

This is a deeply embarrassing problem for a man to have, so I can understand why he's burying his head in the sand about it, but he can't go on like this, and neither can you. I don't know how long this has been going on, but I sense it's been years rather than months, and this will blight the rest of your lives together if he doesn't find some guts and go the doctor.

Ttalloo, yes years not months I am sad to say. I did not think you could make an appoitment for someone else, we are not married. But tbh I want him to do it, to show that he is taking responsibility.

I'm so sorry this has been going on for so long.

You can make an appointment for him even if you are not married - and although I do understand you wanting him to take responsibility by making it himself, it seems clear that he doesn't intend to do so.

Of course the next problem will be to get him to the doctor, and if he does go, to get him to follow the course of treatment.

What you need to decide is what you will do if he won't go to the doctor or be treated. Are you unhappy enough to want to leave him and be without him? Do you have children to take into consideration? You mentioned that you are fantasising about having sex with another man, which is more than understandable - is this with someone in particular? I'll make an out-there suggestion - could you have an open marriage if your DP is not interested in sex? Do you think he would agree?

He has had more than enough time to improve seeing as you have been together all this time. You are kidding yourself that he will improve anytime soon.

All this man has done ultimately is drag you down with him. Again, don't waste the rest of your life on this man, he is truly not deserving of you and wants to remain unhappy. You are not responsible for him and his myriad of issues at the end of the day, you cannot and must not act as either a saviour or a rescuer in a relationship as it does not work.

ttaloo, total fantasy, no RL person. It's not that he is not interested in Sex, tries all the time but it always fails. I just embarrasing for us both but especially him, this is why I can not understand he can not take that step to try and resolve the situation. He promised a month ago, kept making exuses about Dr being on holiday, etc, when I asked him on Monday how his appoitment wnet he glibly said oh I cancelled it, know point anyway, why don't you just go and buy me some Viagra, bloody cheek.

OP, do you think you would be happier without him?

ATM seems to know more about the background to this than I do, and I agree with her that you can't save him from himself - there comes a point where you have to put your own needs first, especially since he doesn't seem to care about them at all.

"happier without him" I dunno tbh, I know I do not want to be on my own, chances of finding new person around here pretty unlikely. Life is not hell with dp, he is just emotionally immature and the sex is crap, day to day thing tick along nicely. If I am honest if another bloke who I fancied came along that paid me that kind of attention I would be very tempted, this is a recent feeling. Does that make me shallow and pathetic?

But you would not be on your own if you were to leave. Your son is still around and would support you. What btw does he think of this man, his stepfather?. A man who you also describe as emotionally immature.

The longer you stay within this so called relationship the harder it will be for you to get out of it. I feel too it is only when you are free of this man will you perhaps fully realise how awful it was and even wonder why you did not leave sooner.

No it does not make you either shallow or pathetic if another man was to show you attention. The last thing you need here is any more complications. I think you need to love your own self for a change however, and be on your own for a while to work out what it is you really want.

Counselling for your own self solely would be very helpful.

It's very daunting to start again by yourself, but you would then have a chance to live the life that you want. You can't possibly say that you are doing that now - living with a man who can't have sex with you, won't do anything about it, and blames you for his problems.