Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I need to vent and then find a mantra that will stop me saying what I think!

23 replies

needasilverlining · 07/04/2011 09:59

DC2 born four months ago, prem and with condition that would have killed them if not found - by chance - in time. Spent almost a month in SCBU.

My PILs live four hours away. This weekend we are making the drive to introduce the baby to them, because they never got off their arses to come to see us. FIL did make it to within an hour of us in connection with his hobby a few weeks ago but didn't visit because 'we were coming soon anyway'.

I am so so angry. They have other DC and GC - which live near them and they're lots more involved with - and have never seemed that interested is my DC1 but this is a new level of rubbish.

Can understand them being over the baby thing, but AIBU to think it's pretty weird and off not to visit a frail tiny GC in all those weeks in hospital? And more to the point, not to support your own son as he struggles with a job, a toddler, a post-operative wife and a sick baby?

Am going to be expected to smile and be polite all weekend and what I really want to do is tell them to fuck off. Any advice on how to rise above appreciated! I am NOT going to say it's OK if they come out with some half-assed apology, though.

OP posts:

AvengingAngel · 07/04/2011 10:08

You can't force people to behave in the way you expect. Sometimes you just have to put up and shut up and perhaps let people come to their own conclusions. You never know, maybe when they see your lovely little baby they will have pangs of regret and guilt they didn't not see them earlier. Try to relax about it and enjoy your baby!

Original poster

needasilverlining · 07/04/2011 10:12

I know, Angel - believe me, my expectations were extremely low to start with. I knew they weren't going to visit or show much interest in the new baby, but I have been taken aback by their complete lack of support for their own son.

Pangs of regret unlikely, I feel, given that there was nothing stopping them coming to us if they wanted to. They're no loss to my DC, who have plenty of adoring family on my side, but I do feel bad for DH.

OP posts:

MooMooFarm · 07/04/2011 10:16

Well for a start I wouldn't be driving four hours to see them with a new baby, I would wait for them to come to me - am assuming they don't have mobility/health issues if FIL was able to drive 3 hours recently? I wouldn't see why I should make the effort TBH, but that's just me.

And I would also struggle to be polite and nice about it - so I'm probably the wrong person to answer this post

But I do agree with Avenging that sadly, people do not always act the way you would (reasonably) expect. What you can try to do is take a deep breath, think that it's their loss, and put your time and energy into the family you have who do appreciate you, rather than spending it getting angry with them.

AvengingAngel · 07/04/2011 10:16

I can totally understand why you would feel utterly pissed off! My Dad has shown total disinterest in my DS (of 4 months) too! In my experience you just can't force people to change their behaviour though. Coax? Yes. Force? No. I guess being supportive and silent (I know it's hard!) for your DH's sake would be my advice. It's really his "battle".

AvengingAngel · 07/04/2011 10:17

PS I hope your baby is ok and doing well after being poorly. It must be so traumatic.

Original poster

needasilverlining · 07/04/2011 10:19

No mobility or health issues, in fact we're timing our trip to fit in with their holiday.

Any nice passive aggressive remarks I can make if they do express any form of regret? Like I say, saying 'it's OK' would choke me but I don't want an actual ruck...

OP posts:

AvengingAngel · 07/04/2011 10:23

Say nothing at all, because it's clearly not ok. So they say "I'm really sorry we didn't visit because blah blah bullshit bullshit" and you say nothing. It will make them uncomfortable and probably they will start to ramble, they will realise you are pissed off, but you maintain the higher ground. Works a treat!

HerHissyness · 07/04/2011 10:25

I think the best retort would be "Your Loss!" if they ever have the nous to say they are sorry.

I reckon they won't mention it.

Could you have a gentle and realistic word with DH and say that you are going to struggle, and perhaps agree a codeword which means you both have to make excuses and leave?

SarkyLady · 07/04/2011 10:28

they won't say sorry. they don't think that they have done anything wrong.

fwiw I would not be making the trip.

HerHissyness · 07/04/2011 10:28

Or there is always the "Oh that's FINE (dripping sarcasm) it's so refreshing to have PIL that don't want to be involved, saves us so much schlepping around going places we don't want to go, visiting people that don't really care. Leaves us much more time for people who ARE worth the effort." Then .

perhaps that's still a bit obvious, ya think?

HerHissyness · 07/04/2011 10:29

I'd be inclined to make the trip, but pop in for 30 minutes and then go out to lunch without them, tell them you are visiting friends....

MooMooFarm · 07/04/2011 10:35

Make the trip short and sweet, and if your DC starts to cry say 'oh don't worry, it's just because they just don't know you do they?)

Or maybe if they try to apologise say 'yes it is a shame, he/she's changed so much already so you have missed alot....' with a big smile on your face.

But that's just me

MooMooFarm · 07/04/2011 10:35

sorry - not 'they' - meant 'he/she'. You get the idea!!

TheProvincialLady · 07/04/2011 10:40

I would not be making the trip either but yes, definitely make it very short and IF they apologise (they won't, I'm afraid) or make excuses, just sit in stony faced silence.

Original poster

needasilverlining · 07/04/2011 18:50

Liking the stony silence idea. Is v much out of character but will have to give it a try.

I too doubt they will be apologising because they don't think they're in the wrong.

Only reason I am making the trip is to catch up with some of the (much nicer and more interested) extended family.

OP posts:

YouaretooniceNOT · 07/04/2011 18:51

Even though you anticipated their lack of interest it still bloody hurts doesn't it? They couldn't be arsed IMO you are right. I would say at the last minute you have a 24 hour bug and are sorry but do not think it is wise to visit them as they might catch something. After all you wouldn't want to put them out! My parents lived about a 45 minute drive from the hospital when my son was in SCBU. In the 6 months he was there they visited about 5 times. I know you are worried you are going to say something you might regret but they are selfish and do not deserve you or your children.

spidookly · 07/04/2011 18:56

Isn't there anyone else you can stay with?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2011 19:15

How does your H feel about making this trip up to his parents?. I would think twice about seeing them anyway as they are not worth your time. Presumably he is most disappointed in his mum and dad and is at heart not all that surprised at their apparant lack of interest.

Saying to them that it is their loss is no point because honestly these people do not see this as a loss. They sound both selfish and self centered.

suburbophobe · 07/04/2011 21:25

I just wouldn't go, (my son was in IC, born early etc)

You need time for yourself(ves),

F* being polite to the IL, if they couldn't be arsed to come and visit you,

why go there??

SuchProspects · 07/04/2011 21:44

That is terrible OP. I would be furious with them and would definitely not be happy about visiting them.

I assume you're going to visit because it's important to your DP that his parents meet his child, not just because you both think it's the done thing even though neither of you want to. If so the stoney silence, pointed remarks etc are going to be really uncomfortable for him, so you might try a silent mantra about how he needs you to rise above it and provide support because his useless parents aren't going to.

My mother is pretty awful - hasn't visited my DCs once. She has excuses and there's some validity to them, but she manages a much longer journey to see my brother. It really upsets me. But it would be worse if my DH was nasty to her when we do take the kids up there.

shimmerysilverglitter · 07/04/2011 21:51

No way would I go and see these people, not a chance. If you do then stony silence the best way to handle it as suggested previously.

Glad your ds is ok now.

HuckingFell · 07/04/2011 22:00

4 hours in a car is loads for a wee baby, especially a prem one. My mate was warned not to have her premmie in a car seat for much over an hour, something to do with oxygen levels.

YANBU.

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2011 22:29

My mantra for idiots ,knobs wankers and the self absorbed...'rise above it'..'like an eagle' ...it works..

Don't let anyone and their poisonous behaviour change who you are...

Flip