Not sure what to do...

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok, so we had an unplanned pregnancy. I was told due to a medical condition that I would never be able to have kids. DP and I both wanted to so took some specialist advice, but still said very unlikely. Fast forward a few months and we find out I am 5 months pregnant (don't have periods anyway so didn't know and other symptoms fobbed off by doc).

We were both living in London, as I had moved for my 'career' job and he followed - his own choice. He had always wanted to move back to where both our families were from. When I found out about pregnancy I thought this was a good idea so made arrangements to sell my flat and walk away from job. He asked for transfer at work and was told he could have one, as soon as a job became available in the area we were looking for.

Fast forward 7 months, flat nearly sold, me on maternity leave still no word on his transfer, turns out he hasn't bothered to chase it. (big ling back story here I couldn't possibly put it all about me having to pretty much do everything for him re: transfer and him always afraid that even asking would get him fired even like this about asking for annual leave etc).

So we move, about 200 miles away from London, with very small baby into house selected not too far from families (25 mins) but closer to his job when transfer comes through. All the time this is going on my Mom has cancer and is struggling to get through intensive radiotherapy treatment. He arranges to work one week in london and be with me one week - backwards and forwards. I ask him in Jan to see what he can do about leave as am finding it hard - he gets time off towards end of March.

I am struggling with this all - especially him being away for a week - but am also struggling with being a new mom, much more than I thought I would. Have asked him to look at doing different shift patter so the break inbetween seeing him isn't as long and he has said he doesn't think its a good idea. About 2 months ago I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. My doctor says it hardly surprising given everything that is going on.

Things haven't been great between us for some weeks now. I am very frustrated with the situation, and angry that he seems not to want to do anything about it. I told him about being diagnosed with depression, but I can't get him to talk to me about the things that are bothering me. When he comes home all he does is look after LO as he thinks that this is the thing that will help. This is despite me telling him that isn't really the issue and that I would like to talk to him and that I am very angry and frustrated and that I feel sidelined when he comes home and would still like to be more involved in looking after LO.

We had an argument yesterday before he went back to London. We had been so busy in the week he was here we hadn't really talked, and I had been quite angry with him. I asked him to stay another day (call in sick) so we could talk. He refused.

So last night he tells me he has been very unhappy for the last couple of months and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I ask him why he hadn't said anything before - no answer. I ask him could we do something to work on it and I know I haven't been easy to live with for the past few weeks - he says no. I've checked with him again this morning and he definately doesn't want to give it a go and wants to leave. He has noe told his parents and asked to move in with them, and is talking about access to LO.

He will not even entertain the idea of trying to work something out. What do I do??? I don't know what I should be doing at all.

Sorry this was so long

So, essentially, the issue is that for a very long time he delayed making arrangements at work that would facilitate him being around to help out with his child or to spend much time with you. And since the baby was born, he's been living one week in London one week with you. You have PPD and a very ill parent. And now he's unahppy and wants to leave.

It sounds like he's only ever been halfway committed. Did you live together prior to the pregnancy, or has he kept his London flat? Who owns/rents the flat you're currently in? Are you in a position to support yourself financially?

I'm sorry to be focusing on the practicalities. I'm very sorry this has happened to you.

I was already thinking this relationship was over before I got to the bit about him saying he didn't want to be with you.

What you do is wave him off with his bags packed. He doesn't want to be with you and trying to force him won't work or help you with your present state of mind.

Tortoise - yes. One of my resentments is that I feel he has always put the job first/ has it on some pedestal where asking for some flexibility becomes a real issue.

We did llive together - for 4 years before we moved. The flat in London was mine which we sold and have moved together into a rented place back here. I am in a position to support myself, if I go back to work earlier than planned. It would be very stressful as would involve the commute to london (the plan was to drop to 3 days per week with one from home which we could afford together, but not on my own)

FABs - I think your right, although I am having trouble accepting it. I can't believe that after nearly five and a half years and a 4 month old son he can just walk away without even trying. I can't believe he hasn't even tried to understand what it has been like for me when he is away, or want to help me get through my PND. He really isn't the man I thought he was.

Could I really have been that deluded all along?

Obviously I have only been able to put up one side of the story. I'm sure I have been really unpleasant to him over the past few weeks - I know I blame him for some things that probably aren't his fault, and have a lot of anger and resentment towards him for a number of things - mostly that he isn't here, and doesn't want to really talk to me and help me through this.

I'm sure it comes out nasty quite a lot of the time. One of the things for me has been to get very stressed out at small things - particularly when taking LO out of the house - I get very anxious about it. And I know when I do this I tend to blam him/ pick fight with him to get it off my chest.

Have previously explained to him that I know I am being a bitch, but am finding it hard to express myself any other way.

Have I done enough to drive him away?

Why doesn't he think a change in shift pattern is a good idea? I mean, what excuse does he actually offer to account for this?

I can imagine that adjusting to life as an unplanned parent, with an unwell partner and a sick mother-in-law (so to speak) could be very stressful - none of which is to suggest this is your fault or in any way to blame you! But to want to run away at such a time is the ultimate act of cowardice. Did he think being in a relationship was about nice times and romantic dinners? Newsflash: it isn't.

Looking at things in practical terms, how do you go about getting the support you need to cope with your baby, PND and your mum? I'm assuming his parents are less git-like than he is and will try and pitch in so you can do what you need? Don't forget about taking care of you, I know the temptation is always to put everyone else first, you matter just as much.

Hope your mum is through the worst of her treatment soon. My step-dad went through cancer therapy a few years ago and we feel amazingly blessed that it hasn't returned (the tumour is still partially there) but at the time it was literally the most dreadful experience of my life. The most upsetting part was the fact he knew it was the most dreadful experience of his children's and step-children's lives, and of course then we were on this terrible feedback loop of we felt bad because he felt bad and he felt bad because we felt bad, etc etc etc.

When my ds was your ds' age, I also felt very anxious about taking him out, btw, without anything like the stressors you have in your daily life. Don't feel bad about that - you always have Mumsnet for help and support.

i'm trying to be balanced as i knopw that most women will come on here and give you sympathy/empathy.

from his POV from what you have written, he is worried about work and taking time off, he works a full day and after a commute, comes home to a baby - which in itself isn't exactly stress free. and to a partner who is constantly picking/complaining. he comes home and fault on both sides not withstanding - has arguments.

he has clearly taken the easy option of leaving. however this may have some benefits to you.

it is easy to displace your unhappiness in a relationship. if you have a bad day, it's easy to take it out on someone you love becuase you trust them and feel secure enough to do this.

your unhappiness -may i suggest- is not caused by him working, but caused by motherhood being ...well...just shit. It is for some people, i was one of them - babies are rubbish! You want to be all capable mother goddess and the reality is resentment that you are forced into a situation wehre you might not have an adult conversation all day. where you think ' is this all there is to life? i'm better than this, i'm worth more than this'

the thing with depression - and i speak from experience is that eventually you get to rock bottom and realise that noone can help you - except for your self. the only person who can claw themselves out of that eternal black hole of lifes utter shitness - is you. So him leaving might get you to this point. Apoint where you take control of how happy you can make yourself in a day. where you assert yourself to go out with friends, go for a walk, attend an excersise class, take up bloody pottery or something useless like that if you can get someone to babysit.

The other thing i need to tell you is not to beg. Men don't like that - and although its not a conscious thought process - it puts them in a position of emotional power and control, and it actually makes them stronger as they feel stronger than you.

i think you need to remind him in a calm and even voice that you would like to go to relationship counselling. That by not wanting to try and solve issues, a number of things will happen

you will have another relationship in time
you will have sex with another man - in time - they forget this
your child will call someone else daddy
your breakup can be talked through at counselling and by not taking this option, if you remain seperated, this is likley to become unamicable.
You can always hold your head high and say 'i wanted to try'

Tribpot - he thought it would be a big strain having to go to London and back more often, that it was tricky to work out with the rest of the team and that he couldn't see how it would improve things. All valid reasons I guess.

I don't really know what support I need or how to get it. My doctor referred me to the midwife who works out of the surgery, who reffered me to the health visiting team, who seem to think it is all about getting out and about and meeting other moms. Have signed up to some baby and toddler groups, but my attendence is a bit patchy due to everything going on.

I think my Mom is over the worst of it now. The radiotherapy is over for now and she just needs to recover. It was in her tonsil/ lympth node area in her throat so she was feeding through a tube and is now having to try and get used to having solids again - but she is doing very well.

I don't know why going out triggers it so much. I get it ionto my head that we need to be out at a certain time to get things done/ do what we need to before we need to be somewhere. Inevitably we end up late and it gets me so het up. Also I get very anxious about feeding hmi in public. I feel like everyone is judging me for bottle feeding, but I had to give up breastfeeding as was having so many problems with it and couldn't cope on top of everything else. I feel very guilt and upset about this too.

I'm really sorry you're faced with this OP, that he has let you down at a vulnerable time in your life. It sounds like he was backing off way back tbh - as your GP says, it is not surprising you have become depressed with all that's going on . It sounds like he hasn't been honest with you - but perhaps he has had trouble being honest with himself iyswim? Whatever way, he has landed you with a non-negotiable decision which must seem out of the blue for you. If he had been honest in the run-up it wouldn't have come as such a surprise for you. It must be very frustrating indeed to be faced with this blunt statement with no avenue for discussion of any kind.

MN is tremendously supportive of women in the situation you are facing, as many are in your position to varying degrees or have been in the past. He is a rat to leave you when you are at your lowest - it is not good enough! - and it must be a shock when you thought you knew him. I know of an ex couple who had couples counselling following the split because the one who had been left(the man) was finding it hard to cope and adjust - would he consider that? At least then you could have some answers/dialogue instead of a blank statement. I would also get some counselling for yourself to support you and help you adjust to all you are facing. Has your GP put you on meds? You can take some anti-depressants while you are breastfeeding and I would highly recommend that you do as they saved my life (literally) when I had PND. (btw I also found it hard to go out when I had PND. YOu do get better eventually, though at the time you think you never will).

I don't know if your partner really is making a final decision or whether he is in turmoil himself and has panicked. I hope he agrees to some counselling with you to help you both adjust. xx

Give yourself a break OP - you have had an unplanned baby (a complete surprise when you never thought you could get pg), a major move, given up your job (therefore lifestyle), mother with a life-threatening illness and now you have been abruptly left by your partner, who dragged it out. I'm not surprised bf was difficult! You are a star to be able to string sentences together tbh, or to go out - I couldn't go out for over 6 weeks after the birth, didn't get out of my dressing gown. One of the reasons for my PND was that I had a c-section and thought I wasn't a 'proper' woman - you realise later on down the line that it is all tosh and doesn't matter one bit, ditto bf. Some ignorant people can be judgey about both but stuff them - though I realise that's easy for me to say. I remember being amazed that such a small thing - a baby - could create such total chaos and mayhem, that a simple thing like getting out of the door was on a par - no, more difficult - than organising the peace process, involving delegates from every nation on the planet. I also remember thinking that plugging in the kettle was impossible...

You have been used to organising your life and getting things done when and how you like - a baby turns all that on its head and it takes a while to adjust to the vastly different pace. It may or may not help that you are not alone in struggling in the first weeks/months etc - most do, big time. I found it a great help to talk to a PND support line - mothers4mothers - which is (wo)manned by women who have all had PND and know what it is like. I was also in an abusive relationship and left my husband soon after the birth - more major upheaval. You do get through it, I promise you that.

Springy - thank you.

TO be honest I do just want to curl up in bed and not move for however long it takes for me to fell better - but I know I can't.

I feel like I need to do something about DP, but I don't know what. He doesn't want to talk to me, and the more I try the worse it gets. But its like some scab I can't stop picking - I need to know why this has all blown up and why now.

I knew it wouldn't be easy to adjust - but I never imagined I would feel like a failure at every turn.

Its funny becuase there are many parts of the day where I feel fine, and try to encourage myself to just pull my socks up and get on with it, but then something will happen and I will get all panicked.

My sister is coming over in a bit. She does think that DP is in turmoil and doesn't know what to do. She told me on the phone this morning that she has been expecting it since I was diagnosed. I guess she saw it coming.

I feel like I need to tell him so much but can't as he won't talk to me.

Custardo - thanks.

Now that I have calmed down a bit I can see exactly what you mean.

I think for a long time I thought I wanted children - but maybe a lot of that was driven by that fact I thought it was something I couldn't have. Have never been the maternal type and then to have it thrust upon me... well I can honestly say that I don't like it much at the moment.

I had been thinking in the last couple of days that I need to get in control again. I was just looking for the time to research and look for things that I can do for me and LO. I relaise I have been hiding myself away - from my friends and family.

I won't beg. I realise now that is what I have been doing. I will ask him one last time about conucelling and then I will leave it.

I do feel like I have much to get off my chest though. I think I will try to wrote some of it down when I get the chance.

Could you halt the sale and stay in London, it'd help with commuting if you have to go back to work earlier?

You certainly can curl up in bed for however long it takes! As I said, different pace - actually, different life altogether (though you will get your old life back, your old 'self'). For a long time I was awake when my baby was awake, and asleep when he was asleep - do. not. feel. guilty! When you perk up you can do something, but the minute you flag, stop - go to bed if you like, do what you like. So glad you've got a good sister who is at your side - can she stay with you for a bit? I also remember the astonishment that I was supposed to do it all alone - babies are surely supposed to be looked after by a group of people?? - and longed to be in an african village...

Very, very difficult that he won't talk - I really appreciate how agonising this must be for you. Find any and every way to talk, even if it is not to him. Can you post on here if that helps? It certainly helps to clarify things when you write it out, even if you heavily edit, or even don't post eventually.

Just a little word - socks can't get pulled up when you're depressed, it's not that kind of illness. The last thing you need to be doing is chiding yourself, the very last thing. Kind, kind, kind is the way to go. It's good to have some loose aims but other than that, go with the flow. I know that's hard to do when you've been goal-orientated your whole life but it is actually quite liberating.

OP - sorry to hear what you're going through. I would stop trying to talk to him if he's made his mind up. If you could get him to agree to counselling it might help you understand his reasons but if he doesn't want to talk about it he will probably refuse. Is there any chance he is having an affair?

Whatever happens in the future, it will probably be better for you not to have an unsupportive partner around while you have PND if he just makes you feel worse about things. He will still be able to look after your DC and give you some time to yourself. And please try and get support from wherever else you can. You will get through the depression and life with a child does get easier when they get older. Just take it one day at a time and take help wherever you can get it.

By the way, you are not a crap mother for not breastfeeding - it's really not that important in the scheme of things.

Could he have an OW in London?

malinkey and maddona - I have thought about the possibility of another woman. To be honest I can't see it myself.

However if you had asked me two days ago if I thought he would walk out without so much as talking to me I would have said you were mad too. Don't know what to think on that count.

Thank you to everyone. It really has helped to hear what you all think