living with an 'addict'

[napoleona]

Hi, i have posted previously about my DH who (i feel) drinks too much. Day to day life is not awful, he works, i work, we get on ok generally.
I just wondered what experience other people have of addiction and whether it is ever possible to get rid of addictive feelings?
My DH used to have a long term addiction to drugs (weed/skunk also used coke) he quit these post dc but now drinks every day.
When he socialises with certain people (not very often) i think he does the weed/coke again. Generally i think he has an addictive personality. Is this something that can be 'got rid of'. I dont think it is. He seems to always need 'something'. And it feels like the addiction (to anything) is a third party in our relationship. I hope this makes sense and is not just goobledygook!

I thought you had to accept that you can't control alcohol and what it leads you to and so you change it by stopping drinking? The 12 steps is all about giving up ime have never heard of managing it Interesting view really.

I take your point about doing others a disservice. I was talking only from a personal perspective, not prescribing for others. I was astonished to find I had just as good a time on the hen weekend I went on during my sober year - though not as astonished as my mates!! I never was a "to get drunk" drinker, which has to be a crucial factor in my approach. As I said, I was lucky to catch it early. They used the analogy of a lift that only goes down; I got out at a high floor, and am careful not to get back in!

I would tell him you are leaving him in 1 month unless he is off alcohol by then. If he isn't then leave, he can get sober if he has excuses as to why he hisn't sober by then living on his own.
He has weak will power but has to decide to strengthen his will power himslef and not give n to whatever urge his current one is.
Not sure why you've stayed with him so long.
I could never live with an addict.

Addiction is certainly not weak will power How rude.

My expereince is that nine out ten addictions are the ersult of underlying issues. We all know how hard it can be to face ugly truths about yourself and your life - numbing the feelings; shutting out the thoughts seems like the more attractive option. This is clearly the case with your H and his brothers, napoleana. I feel for them, but there's no way to fix a person's inner damage for them. Sometimes you can push them to the point where they decide they may as well face it, but still it's the sufferer's own choice and their own process. Each of us can only "do" our own processes (or not).

One of my rehab group was a lovely, rich, charming & very successful man who'd been smoking heroin for years. He'd recently started injecting. His wife discovered his track marks and the missing money at the same time - she gave him the ultimatum. How could such a gifted & blessed young man risk everything so completely? Unsurprisingly, it emerged that his golden, privileged childhood hadn't been so shiny after all. It was painful for him to rub away the veneer of loveliness that surrounded him and his 'family mythology', then to work through his anger and distress about it. But he did it :)

He's stayed clean afaik. Now his life really is shiny and, crucially, his children will not grow up amongst the dysfunction that threatened to destroy his own future (and his wife's.) It certainly can be done, but not everybody can find that much moral courage or the right kind of support.

As you know - again, you can't fix him.

So addicts have excellent willpower but choose not to use it? Sounds unlikely. Most addicts I know have poor willpower and aren't good at deferred gratification. If they want something they want it now, can't resist having it and can't think/ won't think about the longer term consequences.
Some people are genetically more prone to certain addictions but if this guy has lurched from 1 addiction to another it is a willpower issue, and having never developed a less destructive coping strategy.

Just updating as i dont get on here that much. DH started a row this weekend, as he does sometimes while drunk, I refused to talk to him at all and pointed out that he was drunk and that he was scaring me. He said 'im not drunk' then fell asleep after a few minutes. Next morning he apologised and said 'i was drunk' and i said 'youre always drunk'.
This is something i have never said explicitly to him. He now says he is going to join a gym and give up drinking all together. I have my fingers crossed.

Oh, well done! And good luck, both of you :)