I want to be happier, more tolerant, have more friends and be nicer !!

[wanttobefree]

Well I am mostly a nice person, I mean well and I initially make friends very easily.
So far so good. The problem seems to be that after all the effort of making friends I then push them away a bit...find it too much sometimes. Yet at other times I relish my close friendships when we put the world to rights and talk about problems.
I get to know someone really well and am then a very loyal friend.... but say with people who are just acquaintances, I find something annoying about them and somehow can't ignore it.Then later when they become friends with other friends of mine I sometimes feel left out as they all get along.
Dunno, maybe I'm just a bit intolerant, maybe I don't want to be too close,maybe I am just easily irritated,maybe if I were happier in general I would be more tolerant to their minor foibles.
Its like I want to be nice but I find it hard going sometimes.. When I was young I was always everyones friend, somehow so many bad things have happened to me I can't be so tolerant anymore. I try to be on my best behaviour and I am pretty nice, but then sometimes I just feel cross and cynical and almost like I hate everyone!
Any advice anyone..I want a nice group of girlfriends like the other mums seem to have :(

lol it is a bit silly but any advice anyone...maybe I just rub people up the wrong way, maybe I am afraid of relationships, maybe I am just a grumpy old dear

I'm like that....I think a lot of people are. Sometimes I love my friends will do anything for them and sometimes I find them intensely irritating and want to be on my own. I think it comes with the hormones.

yeah...I am good at heart but I sort of see a fault and can't ignore it very easily...tho am much harder on myself than others
a bit of a perfectionist is the problem

To be honest I only properly like someone when I know their faults. My best friend drives me nuts quite a lot of the time...but I love her too. Go easier on yourself. Most people are irritating and people who aren't irritating are irritating precisely because they're not (iyswim). It's a fact of life I've come to live with

haha ok
maybe I need to make more effort then because I see all these other mums meeting up in coffee shops and I don't have a similar group thing...sometimes some of them have been friendly but, pathetic though this sounds, I can't decide if I have enough in common with them lol and sort of miss my chance !!
fgs !!
also I'm quite serious by nature so am not into drinking a lot and "silly" talk !! so I don't have that much in common with them really.

mm maybe thats it then junkcollector...I see their faults, am super sensitive to fault finding, so find them irritating, don't always hide it well enough and also find them annoyingly silly
yeah no wonder serves me right lol

It depends what you want though really. If you want soul mates then you're probably right to hang back a bit. Although all the coffee drinking mums might all be thinking the same thing. Just because they seem like they're having silly conversations doesn't mean that they're not capable of having more meaningful discussions. Silly/ irritating may just be their own defense mechanism. Most people just spout any old rubbish to get a conversation going.

I don't think you should criticize yourself so much though. It sounds like you are very loyal to your close friends and you're a nice person. There is no written rule that says you have to have a "group" of friends. If it's more of a stress than a pleasure why bother.

ps going to bed now

thanks for that that jk I am loyal, just wish I were more easy going sometimes !

I agree it depends on what you want. If you want to hang out most of the time with a large group of like minded soul mates, who rarely annoy you, who will provide you with endless stimulating conversation, stick by you, have fun with you, etc, etc, then I am sorry to sound harsh but that is never going to happen.

I think you count yourself very lucky in life if you can meet more than a few of those types in your lifetime. The chances of them all being in the same place, both physically and emotionally, at the same time is very slim!

What is wrong with having some people that you can just hang out with and drink coffee? You might not want to get washed up on a desert island with them but they can still be good fun, get you out of the house etc, etc.

'friend' can cover a really wide range of relationships, from barely more than acquaintances to someone who'd give you their kidney. Sounds like you might be setting the bar a bit too high. Just join in and relax, who knows where it might lead.

spero..yes thats what I mean, I want to do that but haven't got that group of women to hang out with at the moment.
some of them have been friendly in the past at times, maybe the time wasn't right i dunno...anyway now seems like i'm left out !!
I like to have a laugh but am not very good with some things..like we went out as a group recently but they were all really drunk and I found them really loud and talking about which men they fancied which I found embarrassing in the middle of a small restaurant..
So I felt like a bit of a bore.. and like a fish out of water

You can't force yourself to be someone you are not, you can only ever be you, but you can try to be the kindest most tolerant 'you' you can be.

If you don't like hanging out with drunk women talking about fancying men, then I don't think that is something you should try to force yourself to tolerate. Why not suggest a different kind of outing for the next time?

Can you make friendly overtures to some of the women who were friendly in the past? Invite them over? Suggest a film or some other activity? Or get yourself involved in something that is more in tune with your personality - dog walking? Choirs? other volunteering?

You are obviously self aware enough to question yourself so I doubt you are one of these personality disordered types who just stomps thru life and doesn't get on with anyone. Hopefully therefore it will fall into place one day, but it can sometimes take time.

Do you think you're unhappy, aside from this issue?

You say many bad things have happened that you can't be so tolerant anymore.

That sounds like another way perhaps of describing someone who is generally at a 'low' point...and thus not particularly well-disposed to having a balanced perspective on this? It sounds as though although you're great at the starting bits of friendship, getting the hang of the 'next level' is eluding you - the accepting the foibles, the realising that there'll be ups and downs with even the best of friends, the realising that you won't see eye to eye with them on all issues and it doesn't mean that you aren't genuinely close. In short, being comfy in your own skin and taking both them AND YOURSELF 'as you are'. I think this could indeed be a result of you being not particularly happy deep down. If you think that's the case, maybe that's the place to start from, to explore the whys and wherefores of that.

Hope that sounds helpful and not patronising. FWIW my closest friendships have grown out of periods when I was happiest, I see in retrospect. When things are tougher I think we batten down the hatches so to speak.

Good luck!

OP- I'm a bit like that, but tbh I think it's quite healthy.

I'm generally very friendly on a superficial level, and make acquaintances quite easily, however I would not want to allow somebody to get too close if there was something fundamental about them which made me feel uncomfortable. I don't really see the problem with that.

Also, don't forget that the other Mum's you see drinking coffee etc perhaps see you in other situations that they're envious of too.

thankyou for your helpful replies

spero... yes its true I can't change some aspects of my personality. It seems all my life I have been trying to be nicer..and I am pretty nice but I seem to see through people and can't always ignore things that get on my nerves or go against my principles/beliefs. So maybe I'm too picky,though I like everyone I don't always want to be with them or doing what they are doing iyswim. Good advice re different activities...films and books and volunteering I like.. its silly to go out drinking when thats not what I'm into.

Shoutyhamster... you have touched on two important things.One is that I'm not that happy at the moment. This is partly due to adverse life events over the last few years and partly due to an unsupportive partner. In addition I am naturally a bit of a perfectionist and this probably doesn't make me as comfortable in my own skin as I could be..or as accepting of others, or as confident in forging new friendships as I used to be. That is exactly it..I find it hard to accept myself and others as they are...I always want to be better than I am.

Baggypussy... I know but then I get a bit lonely .I do have a nice life and am lucky in many ways but always seem to be on my own a lot.