Tactics to help me get past ishoos

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Hi all. Could not be bothered to name change as I am mostly a lurker anyway.

I was a little depressed on mothers day when I came downstairs, opened the laptop, and found DH has not closed down the window he had open to look at porn.

We had DD 7 months ago, she has been a poor sleeper and I am breastfeeding. These 2 things have meant I am less (virtually non) interested in sex. I have been helping DH get off now and then, but not all the frequently.

I am not surprised he needed a little light relief, but I was surprised how it made me feel: like a failure, unattractive, and somehow betrayed. I know this is irrational.

I think these are my issues, not his. He did not mean me to see the website, he has never pressured me for sex, and is generally a good man. He tells me I am attractive and is affectionate.

Yet I have felt down since I saw it, and I think I am taking it out on him, he said I was being very quiet with him and asked why. I did not want him to feel guilty for looking at the porn, so I said I was fine, and he left it, clearly not believing me, but not wanting to push it.

So, ladies, help me - how can I get past these issues and move on? I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I miss our sex life (and yet, feel desire very rarely these days), and it depresses me that I cannot let DH have a wank without feeling bad about it. Any advice?

woah slow down, Its not your 'issues' with this. If its upset you its his behaviour that has done it. You say that you help him get off how does that help you? I'm not suggesting he's bad or evil but give yourself a break. Please if he's really kind open up to him. Tell him you feel this way and explain why. tell him you are sad you don't have sex life together at the moment and that maybe you had hoped that was somethning speacial between the two of you and that him watching porn has made you feel as though that has lessend. Explain you felt bad enough already and that seeing that has just confirmed your insecurities. I felt as though my dh had cheated when i found his use of porn. Please don't give yourself a hard time for your feelings I would say they are perfectly normal for the situation. Talk to him about it and see if you can not 'blame' him or make it all about youfeeling that you have failed and driven him to it.xx

If you have issues with porn, you should tell him you're uncomfortable with it. If you don't want him masturbating it all, then that's an issue with yourself I'm afraid, you don't own his penis.

I think you should tell him what you found- tell him that you really don't have a problem with porn per se but you are feeling crap and it hurt you. I think your reaction is entirely normal and you should not feel bad about feeling bad

please keep the lines of communication open with him - sex aside this is the most important thing

Hi - I'm pretty much in your DH's situation. After birth of DC no sex for about 7 months (and tbh nothing of that nature at all). I can pretty much guarantee that he doesn't feel great about porn either - it's just a release, nothing more. He sure as hell doesn't 'prefer' that sort of thing (or whoever he's looking at) - it's just a poor substitute. Like playing tennis against a garage door, if you will.

Just indulge in whatever affection you feel comfortable with, and give it time. Possibly the worst thing to do is step back - the less interaction you two have, the less he'll feel that you want him and the less he'll try (he'll think you just wouldn't be interested). That will just put a barrier between you, and make things more difficult.

If this works for you, try telling him you'd like it if he thought about you on "such occasions" - if nothing else I bet that'd get him more revved up than the stuff on-screen!

Was there anything about the site you saw that upset you?

Thank you for the responses everyone -

cjel - thank you, I know you are right on many levels.

skil - indeed I don't, which is why I was feeling bad, really.

Pinkytheshrinky - good advice.

Mauvemay - your response was particularly heartening, from the male perspective, I really need to chat to DH about it, as if he said what you said, I think I would feel much better.

Bassett22 - no, it was called something like hot blondes, looked kind of middle of the road, nothing that made me concerned in that respect.

np, OP. Let us know if it works out :-)