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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hold my hand.....I'm scared and keep crying

14 replies

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:05

I am separating from my dh as some on here know from other threads over last few months.
The last couple of weeks I have started to feel very low and been very tearful I am just scared stiff. I feel very vulnerable because of my financial situation and now he has basically started blackmailing me. He is selling the house because he found out I saw someone from my past at the weekend eventhough we have been separating for a few months now. This someone is the love of my life that I stupidly cast aside for my dh who claimed me back, making alot of promises and thoroughly let me down again and again. Ive regretted it ever since.
I HATE him ! I hate him for the life that I lost with this other person, I hate him for the mess I am now and for all the stress and horror I have had to go through because of him. I am stuck because I am a student nurse and dont finish until end of september and have basically an income of £6000 until I finish and get into full time work.
I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

louloudia · 06/04/2011 11:10

tbh you have to take responsibility for the choices you made. Once you accept that, I think you will be able to move on

Original poster

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:10

also I just contacted Child Benefit to enquire about any further help I may get once Im separated and they have now changed my details and asked when we split up which was at christmas. I told them we were still lviing together and why (I am a student ETC) is this going to affect our tax credits etc because I was just trying to find out what help I may get once im basically on my own with our dd

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 06/04/2011 11:12

Well hate is a good emotion for the minute, its better than sadness so yes feel free to hate him for now. Though at some point you will need to let that hate go and move on.

In the mean time you need to focus on what you can do to get things sorted. Can he sell the house? If you're married you have rights. Get down the CAB and get advice, about benefits. See a solicitor and find out about what you're entitled to.

Do you have kids? Even if its decided the house has to be sold this won't happen overnight. First you have to either egree to it or he has to get a court to say you have to - this will take time. Then it will take time selling, etc. Doubt it would happen before Sept.

Is he still in the house with you?

Don't leave your course. You will be entitled to more money as a full time student if you've split up. You need to get the money side of things sorted. Yes it may be tough for a few months but you're nearly at the end with a good career/wage in sight. Hang on.

Diggs · 06/04/2011 11:13

If your married he cant sell the house without your say so. Have you got a soliciter ? Its quite possible you could get tax credits now even if you still live together for now.

Original poster

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:20

I cant afford the house om my own and we are still living together because of that and because he didnt want the separation.
we have one dd age 7
I want to live apart from him we are arguing so much now and I feel sorry for our dd, I wrk shifts part time ina hospital so ive started to say Im working and stay at friends and peoples house to avoid coming home and arguing. There is nowhere I could go though with my dd, pets etc etc. I have just completed an application for council housing out of desperation even if its just for 6-12 months until Ive qualified, got into a job and can buy somehwere. I just cant afford to even rent on my current income and he knows this. I still like him, he was always a lovely person but I cant stay with him, all my respect and attraction has long died and I just feel resentment now and he is being a bully reading my emails, texts, following me around the house when I am on the phone...I cant stand it I feel like i am in prison

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 06/04/2011 11:22

He will have to pay maintence, I think 15% of his salary and you would get a lot of benefits. I know student, single mums who live in OK houses on their own. How much is your mortgage a month?

If you agreed to sell the house could you get a smaller house with your share of the sale and use benefits/maintenence for the mortgage until you get a job? I guess it could be difficult getting a mortgage with no job though - unless you have a lot of equity in your current house?

Original poster

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:26

I bloody bought the house! we put down all our equity of course but when I bought it he was out of work and I was in a good full time job!
Now the tables are turned. the house is in joint names but I put in three times more than he did as an initial deposit too. I just wanted to stay here until i finish and get a job and then i could buy somewhere for me and dd with a smaller mortgage and my equity and he is just punishing me.I want to run away

OP posts:

Original poster

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:29

I will have a decent deposit (around £40k) but I cant do anything until the end of the year. he is quitting his job and moving back to his parents so I will get no maintenance and no help. I will be totally on my own and I said this to him, I just need support for the next few months until I can provide for me and dd on my own then I want nothing from him. Spoilt brat isnt getting his way so he is making my life as difficult as he can

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 06/04/2011 11:30

Don't run away - he can't force you out. No judge would make you sell before you've finished the course - they will put the interest of your DD first. sHE needs to be ale to stay there until you're in a position in a few months to get a mortgage sorted.

Just try and ignore his mind games in the mean time. Sorry you're going through this.

Diggs · 06/04/2011 11:32

If your a student are you eligible for mortgage support ? If not im sure the bank will negotiate with payments for a year.

VivaLeBeaver · 06/04/2011 11:32

Well I hope you've pointed out that he will be making life difficult for his DD.

You should get housing benefit, etc once he leaves.

If he does go then talk to the mortgage company and explain the situation. They may agree to a repayment holiday or move the mortgage to interest only until its sold.

VivaLeBeaver · 06/04/2011 11:33

And your uni may do crisis payments/loans. Talk to the Student's Union - they should give free advice.

Original poster

littlemisslost · 06/04/2011 11:58

yes a mortgage holiday or interest only could be a good idea but the repayments are £740 a month and I wouldnt want a mortgag as big as that on my own, even when Im working. I also need to give him his share of the equity which i wouldnt be able to do to buy him out.
I want to sell this house, its too big and expensive for me and on my own anyway I just wanted that bit of security until I finished my training.
I told him he was effectively making m and his dd homeless by selling the house now and his answer was, no because I will take her with me. This is what you want not me!

I NEED TO GET ON WITH MY COURSE! Ive got over 5000 words to do and a full time 12 week placement in the summer I really dont want to mess up now Im so close to the end

OP posts:

springydaffs · 06/04/2011 12:43

Have you seen a family solicitor? The courts won't make you and dd homeless and ex will have to wait for his equity in the house. They will also take into account how much £ you put in the investment (I hope you have records?). I think you need to see a family lawyer asap. Also call Womens Aid who will give you excellent advice 0808 2000 247. Get a payment break for the time being until the legal stuff gets sorted out - shouldn't take too long.

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