For the sake of the kids...or not?

[PeepToes]

I'm back with DH after splitting up for a few months, a few months ago and I think I was wrong to return.

I left mainly due to his drinking, and associated abuse, and fallout of that. We have 3 DCs, all pre-school age. I set up a lovely home in a different town, and left my job etc. I had been suffering from PND, and off work on maty leave then sick leave, and was seeing a psychiatrist. When I left I was mentally well, and have been since. I returned due to the effect on the DCs esp our eldest who didn't seem to be taking it well.

Now I'm back, he's not binging, helps more with the kids, but has been an absolute bastard to me. He feels that he is the victim in all this, and I feel so frustrated as I left due to his behaviour!

He is highly critical of the decisions I took whilst separated, and I feel is even more controlling. His relationship with my parents has broken down, as he sees them as assisting in "breaking up" our family, and they see him as a drunken wife-beater. I am piggy-in-the-middle and can't please anyone.

Is it so wrong for me to want to be happy? There is no "spark" in our relationship, and I think our kids are young enough to adapt to a different family set-up. Obviously it is now harder for me to leave as he is "toeing the line" WRT his drinking, so what's my reason now?

I still have a house that I rented when I left, so could return there. My friends and family think I am mental to stay at our family home, as I'm unhappy, and they're concerned that I will get depressed again. I still see my psychiatrist, and the input is hugely helpful, yet today DH said that he thinks that I should stop seeing him as it's not helping me....!!

I feel that he is being controlling but he says it's not.

He has spent a lot of time organising things so I can work, and I have done a few shifts (my first work in 14months!) but whatever I do, it is not enough. He is very financially driven, and our finances are of enormous concern to him - not so me, so we are at loggerheads about this a lot of the time. I think we are comfortably off with or without my pay.

We have relationship counselling in 2 weeks time.

My head is a big foggy mess, I am so miserable. I want to leave but am incapacitated with guilt (esp for the kids) because of the last time.

He says I am selfish putting my happiness before my family, but surely having miserable parents is more destructive to kids in the long term?

Am I selfish? Is he controlling? What next?

It sounds to me like you've tried and tried, and he sounds a complete horror. The sentence about him thinking you're selfish to put your happiness before the family unit, it's just vile: he acknowledges your unhappiness but thinks you should stfu and get on with a miserable life?!

Your reason is that he is a "complete bastard" to you. That is more than good enough reason to get the hell out.

Peeptoes, Yes he is a controlling, cruel man and just from reading your short post it is screaming out at me that you would be a thousand times better off without him.

He is not 'Toeing the line' by not drinking, he is abstaining so that you cannot use it as an 'excuse' to leave again (not that you need one btw) There is nothing to say he won't stop drinking again as soon as he feels he has proved his twisted point.
Of course he wants you to stop seeing your psychiatrist, why would he want you having anybodies input apart from his? Ditto with insisting you work, he doesn't want you to have the choice over what you do with your own life/career.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a person who your family consider to be a drunken wife beater? Is this really the life you want for your children? Watching a miserable mother fall over herself to please a controlling, manipulative father? By leaving him you will be putting the future happiness of your children first as well as your own.

You have left him once and I think you know yourself that the only mistake you made was going back to this man. You also have somewhere that you can go to if you leave again. It is a no-brainer, why wait even another second to get yourself away from this horrible man?

I think you already know what you need to do and are looking to us to back you up which I am more than happy to do. Get out now!

Big hugs to you and the little ones.

Leave

This will not end well

Leave

Please

He wants you to be unhappy for how many yrs under pretence of putting the kids first?

Kids want happy parents FIRST. If that means apart...........so be it

Gee I am happily stunned at all your posts - I feel he is manipulative, and am concerned about the drinking aspect - BTW he has only stopped drinking at home - he drinks when he's out so i am worried that things could escalate again.

I am so annoyed with myself for being so weak, but I had the strength to go before - I can do it again.

He has been going on about how crap I would be as a single parent as I have no concept of money etc, and would rely on my parents, and become a spoilt child again.

I am so grateful for your supportive words-thank you!

I am so annoyed with myself for being so weak, but I had the strength to go before - I can do it again

Peeptoes you are NOT weak, you are a loving mother who clearly thought giving it another go for the sake of your children was the right thing to do. Now you realise that was a mistake and as you say yourself you are more than capable of leaving again, that shows a great deal of inner strength. The only weak person around here is your husband.

The fact that your husband hasent even bothered to actually give up drinking says all you need to know about how commited he is to making it work doesn't it? How long before he is coming in drunk and being abusive again?

Of course he will tell you that you will be useless on your own, it's the last weapon in his defence of getting you to stay. Deep down he knows you would be perfectly fine without him and he is s**ting himself that you are going to start realising it as well (which you have, hurrah)

When will you go? I would be packing my bags and leaving for that house asap if I were you. Sooner you and the little ones are out of there the better!

Fallingstars most of our stuff is still at my other house, so I could leave as soon as...

I know in my heart that it's not me as a wife he wants, he just wants instant access to our kids. And that if I had left and set up in the same area, that would have suited him fine! (He denies this!)

Today I was on the phone to my Mum after a row before he left for work, and he came home to check up on me and said that he knew I'd been speaking to my Mum as he'd phoned her number as well....this seems a little unhinged to me. He also accused me of "plotting against" him with my Mum on the phone.

Yesterday I chopped some (small) trees down in the garden, and he accused me on "vandalising" the garden, and was really angry with me. I can assure you I was just cutting things back, but maybe it was just as well that I didn't have a chainsaw!

He is controlling, isn't he?

I would leave him asap, of course your H is being controlling here. You left him once, you can do so again. Get help from family/friends to move back to this house you write of. Sod feeling guilty as well, he does not feel at all guilty for what he has and is putting you through. Has he shown any real remorse?. No.

Better to be apart and for you to be a lot happier than to be together in this situation you are now in. What are you both teaching these children here about relationships?.

If the counselling you talk of is joint, that is not a good idea at all. Any decent counsellor worth their salt will not counsel you together due to the ongoing abuse meted out by him.

You need counselling solely for your own self. I would suggest longer term that you get yourself onto a Womens Aid Freedom programme; such abusive men can take years to recover from. Would also suggest you read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft.

Don't for one minute kid yourself this environment is healthy for your children. The only person who wants and needs to live like this is a sociopathic man

"Today I was on the phone to my Mum after a row before he left for work, and he came home to check up on me and said that he knew I'd been speaking to my Mum as he'd phoned her number as well....this seems a little unhinged to me. He also accused me of "plotting against" him with my Mum on the phone."

Erm, she's your MUM, surely you can talk to your mum any time you like can't she? and he called her at the same time and knew you were talking to her because the phone was engaged? Is that right?

Well, I hope you told him SO WHAT!? Please see this probable lies for the crazy manipulative shit that it is. Believe me, you don't want to stay involved with anyone that sounds this mad. This is only the tip of the iceburg.

Vandalising the garden? sheesh. He's card carrying love, you are so best off out of it.

I second getting the Lundy Bancroft book. Seriously, that book changed my life. I felt that I was overreacting to my x-h as he was very good at confusing me, causing me to doubt myself and creating a big foggy mess!! That book blew away the fog and confusion and it helped me to see clearly for the first time in years. I guarantee you will recognise your h in there.

You have tried more times than he deserves and you can at least know that you did everything you could. He WILL NOT change. You know you are strong enough to walk away. Your happiness is important to your kids and seeing Mummy happy instead of being downtrodden and emotionally abused is the biggest gift you can give them.

Make your exit plan and take that final step towards reclaiming your life! You will never regret it.

HerHissyness what's "card carrying"? Do you mean mental?!
Yes I totally agree and I've actually got the Lundy Bancroft book, so I shall re-read it.
Had a crap day of acopia and getting irritated by the kids, weeping and shouting. I never saw my own Mother cry until I was an adult so am very conscious of the affect on them, but still cried. Feel pathetic and annoyed with myself.
Planning to get to my other house after the weekend.

Yes, I mean card carrying, off his head, world of his own, manipulative control freak.

My OH was like this, still is if I let him. when he was away, I'd text him as I was leaving the house, oh, I'm off out with friend, back later. He'd never fail to blow up about it. I would reply, well if you were asked you would always know where I am. He expected me to ask his permission. I knew if I did, he may not always give it, or he'd make a comment to kill the idea/fun in it.

This was the thing for him apparently, what if someone said they'd seen me go out, and did he know where I was going and with whom? Yes, in Eygpt they really WOULD comment about the comings and goings of one's 'DW'. And YES he would be within his supposed egyptian rights to kick off about it. Kick off can be taken literally in that phrase too.

You may cry now Peeptoes, but that can't last forever. You have all the tools and plans to get out, you are sad for what might have been. It IS sad, it's so pointless, so tragic, but unacceptable. You know you need better than that for your life, you know you'll have it.

I've had a shit day too, it's one of those days I think. HUGS love, not long to go now.

He says I am selfish putting my happiness before my family, but surely having miserable parents is more destructive to kids in the long term?

This!! I can tell you from personal experience that in an abusive situation like the one you are in, I is definitely not better to stay together "for the children"

You are not happy.
He is not happy - although he should be falling on his knees with gratitude that you have come back.
You don't love him.
He doesn't love you.
And no matter how upset the kids were by you moving out, I can't imagine they are happy now either.
It's not selfishness, for the good of everyone I think you need to move on from this toxic situation.

Why be with someone you clearly don't like let alone love? Children do adapt and they will, takes time, nothing every happens over night.

However you do have to address your finances and you do have to be able to stand on your own two feet without financial assistance from others.

If you want to be counted as an adult you have to act like one and that means it's just you and the kids, not you, the kids and what your parents can do for you.

For the sake of the kids... leave

Good luck x

You are not pathetic at all, please don't be annoyed with yourself. You are only human and dealing a huge amount of pressure and stress atm. My dd has seen me cry loads of times! Give yourself a big hug and def re-read the book. As soon as you get some space you will be able to breathe again. Just keep focusing on being free with your lovely dc's. You will be happy again I promise.