DP's depression is ruining our relationship

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DP is a wonderful man, very kind and caring and so devoted to me. When I met him, he confided he had always suffered with depression and had only just stopped taking anti-depressants. I thought I could handle it, because I've always suffered "depression" too (though mostly anxiety and panic attacks) and have been able to combat it with positive thinking and filling my life with things to keep me distracted.

For so long, we had the most amazing relationship. We have a baby and want to get married as soon as the time is appropriate. I can't stress how perfect he is for me. We don't argue.

But lately, he's changed. He's seemed a little less patient (he still doesn't snap or shout) and he can go into quiet moodswings for long periods of time. In the evening, he gets home from work and we go through our routine with the baby and then as soon as she's gone to bed, he slumps off and does something on his own. We used to share our evenings together, now we barely talk to each other. He's always playing his guitar or reading, alone.

Finally I asked him what had changed and he said, "It's not you, it's me." He says he is so depressed, because of his job and the feeling that he's going nowhere with his life, he has nothing to look forward to. He says he has been having paranoid thoughts that I'm going to leave him and take his baby away, and that sometimes he goes into the bathroom and cries because he's so scared. He said he starts thinking "What's the point - I may as well just kill myself."

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He won't go to counselling because he had a bad experience with a counsellor when he was younger - she basically said he was wasting her time and was just an "angsty teen", apparently. He won't have anti-depressants, because he's had them before and they made him feel "numb" but didn't help him at all. He says there's nothing I can do to make things better.

It seems like he hopes it will all blow over but, with the way things are going, I don't think that's going to be the case. I'm scared of losing him but I'm also scared of staying with him forever if he's going to continue being so depressed. What can I do?

tell him that,
tell him you dont want to leave (stress this) but you cant go on living with this massive cloud over your family.
tell him if he wants to keep you all together and happy,he needs to get to a gp.

good luck.

I think you need to be tough.

People with depression are very self-centred. It's not intentional, but it's part of the condition. They are in so much internal pain they find it hard to think about other people and their needs. But you have needs as a wife and your baby has needs from its father. He is failing both of you, not by being depressed but by not seeking help.

There are different counsellors and there are different anti-depressants, he is caught up in a negative frame of mind by dismissing both on a past experience He needs to go and see his GP.

You could suggest CBT, it helps my DH when he has a low patch.

His GP could refer him so it would be free.

Unless he takes medication and gets help he won't get any better.

As a sufferer of depression myself my pills are my lifeline and have saved my life. There are hundreds of different medications and you react differently to them all.

I don't feel numb I actually feel alive as if I can cope!

You cannot help someone who will not help themselves, if he wants to wallow in it you cannot help him but have to do whatever is best for you.

Your DP sounds very much like mine was/is. He also suffered from depression most of his adult life, had a bad experience of an unhelpful counsellor when in his early 30s, tried Prozac when his father died and said it made him feel numb, so he'd rather take nothing as then, at least, he FELT something. Things with us got progressively bad when we moved in together, and he voiced the same negativity, plus projecting onto my DD so much that she moved out. He's also drinking too much. What changed, was me finally stating that if he didn't go to the GP with me, I would be getting my own flat and would never, ever see him again (though it would break my heart, I told him I would have to make a complete break). I also told him that there are different counsellors with different approaches, and different medication. I got the house valued and signed up with agents for viewings, to show I meant business.

Result - he finally agreed to counselling. It took three 'try outs' to find one we both liked, but he improved within a few weeks of starting to see her (we go together). He isn't on medication (can't because of the drinking) - but the counselling means that I am at last seeing my lovely DP emerge from the miserable, introverted, angry and sad man he'd become. It's saved our relationship.

You will have to be tough, OP. Tell him that if he wants to keep you and DD, he MUST seek help - for everyone's sake. Something to break through his inertia. Wish you luck.

tell him it is hischoice - he goes to GP and discusses counselling / CBT/other therapies/ meds.

and you will support him.

or - he goes elsewhere to live his depressed life.

you have to be tough.

he does have a choice to do something about his depression etc.

i was reading a book last night - cant remember the actual phrase but the author had 15 years with ex with depression/bipolar - one thing came out which was more or less
"you can go on loving someone and care in your heart for them but you do not have to suffer their depression as well" roughly paraphrasing.

read depression fallout
www.depressionfallout.com/

he is right when he says it is not you it is him.

it is him.
so he has to take repsonsibility for himself and his mental health.

you can take repsonsibility for you and your child and decide what stepos you will take .

my exP had history depression episodes, got worse, in the end i left with DC. we ahve a much happier life .
he still gets depresive episodes - he stops taking meds when he "feels better" then crashes again.
it is truly him and me being there or not makes absolutely no difference.

another couple - his wife said "go to GP and take the anti d's or you get out". he went, he did and they still together.

you have had good times and there is a chance you can be tough here and get him to take action to get back to the way you were. but you cannot do it for him.

spell it out to him.

Thanks for all the responses. I agree, I have to be tough with him.

The problem is we have a terrible GP - actually, we have a terrible group of GPs. You can never get an appointment with the same one twice in one go, they can't really speak English well and, to be honest, they're quite judgemental. It's an intimidating experience to visit our clinic so we try and avoid going unless it's really necessary, so for example we would never go in for a sick note.

I think if anything, I could get him to see a counsellor before he'd try anti-depressants again, but he would probably prefer to sort one out privately. (He also has a fear of getting a black mark against his name because "if anything ever happened to you, I wouldn't want them to take DD away"... He's not easy to reason with right now)

That's tough about the GPs - is there the possibility of changing GPs? Are there any other clinics or surgeries nearby? I changed my GP for similar reasons.

Certainly try counselling before trying meds. Have a look on the BACP website for counsellors in your area. Don't give up if the first one you see doesn't feel right - as I said, it was the third one we saw, who seemed to know what she was doing (DP's comment on the others, was, 'Middle class, middle-aged women, looking for a hobby!') Does your clinic have an 'in-house' counselling service? Many do, run privately but using space at the clinic. Don't worry about trying to reason with him. If he's deeply depressed, EVERYTHING is negative, and you can't reach him. But a good counsellor might.

Poor you and DP

it seems like his hell is becoming yours .

does he have counselling??

Sorry, he spent most of the night in the same room as me yesterday so I didn't get a chance to check this thread.

I don't know if we could find a new GP. Neither of us drive, so this is the only one that's convenient for us to get to. The one which is closest after our current one is basically run by the same GPs, we had to go to that one a few times as they'd accidentally registered DD there - they swap each other between the two clinics based on which one has more patients on a day to day basis. It's very frustrating.

They do have an in-house counselling service, I used to get counselling when I was a teenager for anxiety, but I guess that was quite a while ago so I don't think it will change.

He has now agreed to go for counselling but it's almost as though now that he has admitted he has a problem and we have agreed to start working through it that he is using it as a get out clause, IYSWIM. I got a bit upset by something a bit inconsiderate he did last night, and I think he used this "give me the website of the counsellor you found then" routine to distract me from what he had done. Almost as though he was excusing his inconsiderate action with his depression, and attempting to make amends by agreeing to the counselling, which wasn't the case.

This is so out of character for him. He is such an amazing, sensible person and he doesn't usually play mind games and is so supportive of me. I hate seeing this change right before my eyes :(

Try to remember that this isn't him, it's the illness manifesting itself. Why not try the in-house counselling at your clinic? You should be able to self-refer without seeing any of the GPs and at least the counsellor shouldn't be judgemental. You could go together, perhaps, initially, so that you can talk about how his depression is affecting YOUR life - that might help him understand that he needs to engage with the counselling, for the sake of his relationship.

Do make sure he does something. While it's not his fault he's ill, don't let him get away with agreing to seek help but not actually seeking any. Because you and the DC matter too, and your lives should not be sacrificed to this man's problems.

Oh yes, make sure you hold him to it. Make an appointment - for both of you, so that you can be sure that he doesn't duck out. Tell him you're making the appointment, tell him where and when and tell him that he HAS to come with you if he wants to save your relationship - and save himself.

Let us know how you've got on, as there are plenty of us on MN who've been in the same boat, who will help you along. People with depression do often seem to think it will all blow over with time - and it probably will, but by the time it does, they may find themselves without the people who love them best. Hope things go well.

Hi - I would also add that there's various online CBT guides that he could try that may help. It will require real effort on his part though. The main thing is that whatever happens he has to give it a proper go. Much like physio after a serious physical injury. Good luck to you both.