Husband gone!!

[feelingheartbroken]

I've been looking at the relationship advice given and its been a little helpful but could anyone maybe answer my situation.

My husband left three weeks ago as he has been having an affair for the last few months. He's moved straight in with her but she won't allow him to give the children an address of where he's living. She won't let her name be mentioned either. Already received a solicitors letter asking if I'll divorce him and other stuff. He had a really close relationship with me and the children and I just don't get how it can all go so wrong after 20 years together - 19 years married this month. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about how he was feeling and he said it was about his feelings and that because I was included in that he couldn't talk to me but had to work it out himself. One child is about to start his GCSEs and its really hard keeping him focussed as I'm not doing so great myself. He didn't even contact for five days after going then has sent a text message every other day since. Problem is they are just one liners and its the same message to both of the children. They're not impressed. I just feel lost without him - I thought maybe he would come back but since the solicitors letter I don't think thats going to happen. Not that I've read it - sent it to my brother-in-law to read as my mental state not brilliant trying to support myself and two children while he's doing whatever he's doing. It was his birthday yesterday but the children didn't text - neither did my two step children!

If you can make sense of above then any advice would be appreciated! Thanks

Sorry to hear what you're going through. No real advice but just wanted to send you hugs....

I don't know what answers there are? It sounds like you and the dc have had a helluva shock and he's just stepped out of your lives .

Give yourself a bit of time to take it in, but also get yourself a solicitor asap.

No advice from me either, but loads of hugs as I'm in a similar situation to you in that my H was/is having an affair and we have a DS doing GCSEs soon, but H and I made the decision to limp along as a family unit until after the exams due to our DS being sensitive and lacking in confidence. It's a very long story and I don't want to hijack your thread.

Clearly your H is treating you all appallingly, the fact that he didn't think it necessary to talk to you about his feelings is just unbelievable - he obviously feels you and the DC are not as important as he is. Words fail me apart from, what a selfish twat. And to say that his timing is lousy regarding your DS and GCSEs, is an understatement.

At least you have your BIL supporting you in your fragile mental state, hopefully you have other RL friends and family for some emotional support?

Hugs again and I'm sure some of the wonderful and wise MNers will be along soon.

I would have huge issues with the OW not "allowing" things.

It has nothing to do with her whether your kids know where he is! And its up to you if you choose to cite her in a divorce, which i would btw if only on the principle that she is trying to call the shots! She sounds like a fucking nightmare, so you should stand you ground from the start and dont let her order you or the kids around.

I think you need to see a solicitor asap to sort out where you stand legally and go from there.

hugs from me too

Sorry, re-read your post and does she wont allow her name to be mentioned means that she doesnt want your ex to mention her when talking to you or the kids? Sounds like she doesnt want to be known as the OW and wants to airbrush your kids out of the picture, so I would be on that one straight away and ask him exactly wtf is going on.

He is a prize prick and you are better off without the wanker

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds as though she's persuading herself and others that he would have left anyway - crazy when he's moved straight in with her.

I thought there had to be a separation of two years before you could divorce on the grounds on unreasonable behaviour and five years without giving a reason at all. I didn't divorce until several years after separation, so not sure if I'm right there.

I would play hard ball here. I would have nothing to do with him until he gives the address where he's staying and the name of his girlfriend. If I'm right about the two year separation then say he can speak to your solicitor's office in two years' time.

This woman sounds very controlling. I can't help but think he's going to live to regret this relationship. I'm not saying that to comfort you, it's just that after a while he may find he's less free than he was previously.

Just to clarify, the facts upon which either of you can issue a petition for divorce are:

a) the other party's adultery
b) the other party's behaviour
c) the other party's desertion for at least 2 years
d) two years separation with both parties' consent
e) five years separation without the other party's consent.

I suspect that the new partner is concerned about being named as a co respondent, but she needn't be, as assuming that you divorce him on his adultery, you normally wouldn't name her anyway.

(I'm a family lawyer btw)

Just sending you hugs, and to say I'm so sorry you are going through this.

If he will only communicate by text with the DC's suggest that they text him to ask to meet up somewhere. My feeling is that he should be keeping the lines of communication open wiyh them.

He is obviously passionately obsessed with the OW if he is letting her call all the shots.

Do get a soliitor asap, and lean on any friends and family that will help you x

so he has sorted all the finances out and you are happy with that? selfish twat bet he has not given any thought to his children. deal with him on a strictly business sense only.

When you say "your stepchildren" has he just walked out and left children with you from a previous relationship of his too?

Have been there with the finding out affair etc. Hes a prize for moving on with her immediately and thinking of none of your feelings including kids.

Its awful and you have a lot to cope with. Get as much support as you can, get legal advice, sort out your finances on short term basis ie where is money coming from for first few weeks. Look after yourself and kids and concentrate on that. Survive, breathe., try to eat, feed the kids......

Didnt have the GCSE thing but hope someone else can come along and advise.

Stay on here for support and advice - its invaluable (())

To squeakytoy - yes I'm his third wife and he has one child by each of the other wives and then two with me. He's very good at walking away. He had his 57th birthday on sunday.

I'm sorry your H is treating his kids so badly but it seems to be something they do.

When my H left he moved straight in with OW and wouldn't tell our DC where he was living for 3 months. It was only when I sent a solicitor's letter that he eventually told us.

I don't know whether it was his decision to keep it a secret or OW's but the reasoning given was to protect OW from us!!!!!

I was horrified at this as I have never approached OW in any way since the discovery of their affair, let alone go to her home and do anything that she needed protecting from. I am not a violent or abusive person, even when pushed by the despair of my marriage falling apart.

Needless to say the DC were devastated at his attitude and told him so, he eventually apologised.

Since H left he has maintained minimal contact with DC, they are away at Uni, he has built a better relationship with one of them and tells things to this DC and not the other, such as where he's going on holiday. It causes no end of friction between the DC and their Dad.

Move forward 18 months and ex and OW have moved again. He is now witholding his new address from DC. How cruel can this man be? The DC are upset once more but they now have an attitude of 'who gives a f**k what he does'. However, as time has passed they have improved things between them slightly, he still puts OW before the DC though, which I will never understand.

So yes these men are very good at just walking away and leaving a trail of hurt in their wake.

Don't believe it - went to the bank today. He's supposed to have taken me off the account but hasn't! Spent £400 on a weekend with her yet can't afford to give us any extra. Meals out, presents, all sorts mentioned on the statement. Think he'll have a shock when he realises I've had access to it! How can a husband/dad do that to a family he loved five minutes ago? I'm gutted that I trusted this man for so long... can't regret though I've got the best kids ever.

Thank you to those of you who have already replied - its appreciated.

I'd take steps to get yourself of the bank account - after taking your share of course. Last thing you need is for a damn fool husband to incur debt in your joint names on OW.

So sorry for what you are going through and your DC

Clear out anything that is in there, he will soon get your name off it!

agree with bogeyface take the lot

Another vote for transfer (at least half of) the money out of the joint account then set the process in place to close it yourself. You can do that, don't need him to do it.

So sorry about what's happening to you & the kids OP. My XH walked out the week before DS1's birthday when he was doing GCSEs, now going through horrid divorce during DD's GCSEs so know how stressful it is for them and you. It's especially hard to try & argue with them about how much work they're doing when you want them to have every bit of fun when their Dad's hurt them. Routine helps. Do their friends at school know? That was mistake I made, only telling a few close RL friends. DS1 & 2 didn't tell anyone which made it more stressful for them. Before closing the account etc. can I ask - which account does your rent/mortgage come out of? Does his and or your salary go into the joint account?

Got the children to tell everyone - the more support the better I feel! Mortgage comes out of that account so can't really shut it. Just thought he should do right by his family rather than putting her first. Obviously doesn't work like that in his head. I just hope it all ends up slapping him in the face! Sooner rather than later lets hope. The kids say they've had a good day today - I think thats a first since it happened. I know we can get through it - just didn't want to - would rather be like it was.

Thanks to you all again.