Why do I suddenly have such a short fuse with my mum?

[krepsly]

I've always had "issues" with my mum, a lot of stuff from the past that I still feel bitter about but until very recently I've always smiled sweetly and supressed my feelings - sometimes even readily taking the blame for stuff that was her fault but lately I've found myself really biting back and I'm not sure why.
An example was last week I was talking to her about college etc and I said "sometimes it gets so stressful I end up wondering if I've done the right thing". She then went and told the whole family that I'd said I was thinking of packing it in. A few months ago I would have said "oh yeah I did say that but I didn't mean it" but this time I just snapped and said "actually, I didn't say that at all. I said it was stressful and that I sometimes wonder if I've done the right thing, I never once suggested I was thinking of giving it up". She was quite shocked, I could tell but I've had enough of the lying and exagurating always trying to make me out to be bad.
When she got with her husband he and his parents were awful to me and tbh, bullied me and tried to get rid of me (I was 14 at the time and ended up running away at 16 because of them). My mum always tried to press the story that I ran away because I was jealous of her new marriage and up until recently I've always smiled and tried to change the subject. Last week the topic came up and I said "actually, his mother was a complete bitch to me from the minute she met me, his father was almost as bad and he himself wasn't exactly nice to me either so I ran off because I was looking for a better life. I wasn't jealous at all." She was apparantly very upset and it started going around the family that I'd "turned" on my mother and was out of order.

My mum always tries to put the guilt trip on me if I say I'm too busy to go galavanting to my grandparents every week. Yesterday she said "I'm going to visit your grandad tomorow, are you coming?" I said "no, I've got a job interview" so she said "but you could come after that?" I said "no I can't, I'm busy". She then said "oh, well I'll tell your grandad that you don't want to see him then". A few months ago I would have backed down. Yesterday I said "you know what, I'm up to my neck in college work, I have a job interview at 12pm, it takes an hour from there and two busses to get to my grandads, my son leaves school at 3pm, it's not going to happen. Sorry and all that but I'm not a miracle worker. I'm busy." again it went around the family that I'd done another "megabitch rant" and that I was turning really nasty all of a sudden.

SO I want honest opinions here. Am I going too far?? I'm sick to death of being made to feel guilty and stupid for shit that isn't my fault and I'm simply not prepared to do it anymore.

It sounds like the worm has turned and she's not liking it much. As long as you're not screaming & shouting & swearing, but just putting her straight I don't think you're going too far at all.

She sees it all from her perspective and doesn't seem to have much idea of what your life is really like.

I'd give Grandad a ring 'though, just to show willing.

No, you are not going too far.

She does not have any right to twist your reality to suit her own agenda. People who rewrite history to ease their own guilt, have big, big problems.

I know that this stuff is mentioned a lot on here, but google gaslighting. Gaslighting is usually carried out by people with personality disorders. It may not fit your experience of your mother, but I think you may find it interesting.

You sound like you've had a fantastic change of heart! I would love to be there when you tell your mother the truth! She must have been so confident that her view of history was always correct.

I don't know how she could think that you ran away from home because you were jealous of her relationship. Didn't she have her eyes open at all? Didn't she talk to you about your obvious unhappiness?

I think you are doing the right thing now. I'm interested to know why you feel you can do this now but couldn't before. Has there been a change in your private life that's given you more confidence?

Good luck with your college course. What are you studying? Everyone hits a wall when studying, but sticking it out is always worth it.

Actually not that she believed her view of history was correct, but that it would go unchallenged.

Well done on standing up for yourself.

Do you think your mum could have some narcissistic personality traits? Narc mothers often dismiss and override their childrens' feelings and like to be the centre of all drama. There's a lot on the web about narc mother / daughter relationships if you are interested.

Anyway, it sounds like you are establishing new boundaries and she's fighting them. If your message is clear and consistent - and it sounds like it is - then hopefully she'll realise that you're no longer going to put up with the old behaviour. Other family members will hopefully get the same message and should realise what's going on, especially if they know you both individually.

Good for you though in sticking up for yourself and being a good example for your own child / children.

You don't sound remotely bitchy or unreasonable, just tired of your mother's mind games.

You don't need her involvement to have a relationship with your grandparents. You can visit without her, phone and write. Don't let her govern your other relationships, she sounds difficult enough to deal with on her own, and quite manipulative.