WWYD - can/should we still be friends?

[spamslipper]

Have named changed for this, then dithered for nearly an hour about whether or not to post.

I've got a really good male friend, tbh he's one of my best friends full stop. We've supported each other through some hard times in the last couple of years, and I've valued his support, and I think he has mine.

Some background is that I was very naive a while back and got involved with a man who was married (all the my wife doesn't understand me stuff - the usual sort of story). I felt/feel really bad over it all, still do. After it happened I said I wouldn't ever let anything like it happen again, and even if I though there was a risk with another man however small I would step well away. I know it takes 2 to tango ect but I couldn't ever have anything like what happened last time on my conscience. I think I could/should have backed off from that situation and it wouldnt have happened (I guess it could have with someone equally as stupid as I was but that wouldn't be my fault).

So back to my friend, every so often a group of us friends get together and go for a few drinks. Except it isnt one or two drinks but a lot - we can spend £100 or so each on cocktails, champagne, shots etc. Obviously, we get very drunk. And my friend and I will hug, and dance, laugh, muck about and be silly. We went out a couple of weeks back, and my friend said he loved me. I know he meant as a friend, and I said I loved him too (I do, he's like my brother). But since then, a couple of comments made by others have made me think whether this isn't right, and if it's gone too far and is not appropriate. I don't have any other male friends, so I can't compare this to anything, but it certainly isnt like any of the female friendships I have.

I thought maybe because of what happened in the past I was making too much of this, but I'm not sure I am. As it stands I really don't think I can be his friend any more can I? And should I try and explain somehow or just avoid him/cut contact?

Are you single? Is he? That makes a difference...

Um, is he married then? Otherwise what is the problem?

I'm such an idiot, I can't believe I didn't include that - I am single, he is married.

If you were posting about my dh in that scenario, I would be sat in teh pub glaring at you while working out how to rip your head off before doing the same to dh.

Sorry, I know that is harsh and i feel awful posting it, but i want you to see it from the eyes of your friends wife. Can't you just cut back? He says he loves you, you hug and dance? Sorry, I know people should be grown ups but love, marriage, alcohol means we aren't grown ups all the time.

if he was single it would be lovely daft flirting. He's married, he's being a bit of a prick, and while your intentions may not be bad, you're starting along a path of not coming out f this looking very nice. If people have made a couple f comments to you, there'll have been a damn lot more said behind your backs.

varyingdegrees, you've kind of said what I've been thinking, basically that it's not all ok. I know that if we were both single, this wouldn't matter in the slightest because we could do as we pleased - if that makes sense? But of course we're not. I have been trying to think of it as his wife (who is lovely and I like very much) would see it and I know it would look pretty awful.

The nights out we go on have got more expensive, and even before this I've been thinking that I can't afford to keep it up. So could I - rather than making a big scene and having everyone think no smoke without fire ect - maybe just go for one/two drinks and call it a (early) night next time? I know that when we're sober we don't mess about like we do when pissed.

Ah, thanks for not threatening to deck me!! My piost did seem a bit short, but it was my honest gut reaction. The worst thing is while your intentions aren't appearing malicious, if a couple of comments have been made to you, you don't want lots of comments to be made away from you where you suddenly become public enemy no. 1! And catty women, or cliquey groups can act as judge and jury and decimate your character: don't give some one that opportunity!

as for your friend, if it's all innocent, well, it's not the end of the world id he sees less of you as surely he should be happy with his dw, and if he isn't, well, that's between them..

Anyway, by the sounds of the cost of your nights out you'll be loaded if you stay in!

It's probably the best solution all round to cut the nights out on the grounds that you can't afford them at the moment. You haven't done anything wrong yet so having any kind of showdown or declaration or confrontation is unnecessary and might lead to unpleasantness, whereas discreetly backing off would have the desired result.