Sorry this is quite long..
My sister is married with grown up children - youngest is now 16.
He is her husband's and she has two other children from a previous relationship.
She met her husband when her two oldest were very small but he has never been interested in them and many years ago now my sister, her husband and youngest child moved abroad because of his job.
They have moved around a lot since and taken the youngest with them but the other two children who are not his have been raised by my mother. They never got a say in whether they moved abroad or not and rightfully feel very hurt that their mum has essentially chosen her husband over them. This has created a lot of resentment which my sister does not seem to understand at all.
My family have grown further and further apart from my sister because of this and because her husband does not seem to like us around. For example if we go and visit them instead of spending time with us, he has her constantly running errands for him which makes it impossible for us to do anything together. If we ever go out anywhere we have to cut the trip short so she can be home to make lunch/dinner for him, wash his clothes, collect something he has bought from a shop, go and collect papers from his office etc etc so we feel like we have no real quality time with her.
They have separate bank accounts and my sister struggles to pay for all of the bills and food from her part time job while he has thousands in the bank and spends a good proportion of it on new cars every few months, new surround sound systems, whatever he likes.
Last year there was a big family wedding and my sister promised she would be there, said how much she was looking forward to it. It got nearer the time and she told us she wouldn't be able to make it because she couldn't afford it. Her husband knew how much it meant to her and could easily have afforded to buy her a plane ticket but didn't.
I am also fairly sure he is an alcoholic albeit a functioning one. He manages to hold down well paid jobs and doesn't drink every day but when he does he can't stop and I have heard stories of my nephews and niece being on the receiving end of some very nasty comments when he has had too much to drink.
We speak a lot on the phone and skype but it often ends with my sister in tears because she says she misses her family so much and wishes she could be here with us.
So my question is, is her husband just an arsehole or is this abuse?
We have told her so many times to leave him and she always says the next time he moves (he gets bored every few years or so and will move hundreds of miles away and start again) that she will not be going but she always follows him.
What else can I do that I haven't already? Do I just need to accept this is how it's always going to be?