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Original poster

Do i give him an ultimatmum

20 replies

YummyMummyBella · 04/04/2011 21:00

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby (but have had 3 MC's) unfortunately this little boy has been conceived during a time when my DP and I were having issues so were working on rebuilding our relationship... I caught him cheating so we were in a bad place but were still madly in love.

When I told him I was pregnant he was shocked and wanted to walk away from both of us. He has since come around to the idea and is very excited and involved. However his foundation on coming back was that we weren't together but we would remain good friends and be amazing parents, I agreed and things were fine. But I've now been finding it increasingly difficult to deal with this on/off relationship. One day he tells me he loves me, wants to move in, gets angry and jealous if I talk to other men but then the next day he'll say over and over 'were not together, I'm free and single' and he'll change his fb pic to a provocative one of him and a girl (am I right to think this is disrespectful?!). I'm now finding myself becoming more and more upset and angry with myself for putting up with his hot/cold attitude. So do I either tell him to work on a relationship with me or walk away.

Of course I want him to be involved in our sons life but right now, during the pregnancy I can't handle the thought of him flirting let alone dating other women. Its driving me crazy being in limbo. As I said we were previously in a relationship for 3yrs until he cheated and we broke up but agree to try work things out. HELP and advise please ladies x

OP posts:
zikes · 04/04/2011 21:04

Er, it doesn't sound like he's living up to the 'trying to work things out' part at all. He sounds like a dog in a manger - he wants you on a string while he does what he likes. He's cheated on you and he's not behaving lovingly at all by messing you about.

You'd be best off concentrating on your pregnancy and future, and not factoring him in, imo. Get rid.

doormat · 04/04/2011 21:07

i think giving him an ultimatum would be wrong

i would use reverse psychology and the next time he says hes free, single, blah blah blah turn around calmy and say "oh thats good as i am meeting scuh and such (mans name) for lunch, dinner, walk in the walk watever excuse you want to make.

if his face drops and he gets angry let him bloody chase you until his knees are bleeding...

keep the scenario up for a little while but never tell him it is a load of bullshit...(even if you get married and stay together 60 years down the line)

a bit of mystery to a woman..terrifies men

the cheeky get wants the best of both worlds, time you started playing dirty but for your best interests

good luck sweetie x

suburbophobe · 04/04/2011 21:08

Dump the man and concentrate on your pregnancy, he is not doing anything that contributes to you and your precious child!

Sorry to be so abrupt, but if he is being hot and cold, he is not there for YOU, just playing mind games!

zikes · 04/04/2011 21:12

re. doormat's post - That's if you think a cheating game-playing mind-fnck of a dp is in anyone's best interests.

suburbophobe · 04/04/2011 21:12

Ps, don't put his name on the birth certificate! You can decide everything about your child's life that way, without interference from a fuckwit!

Ps, I have been a single mum for 20 years, the autonomy and peace in that sense is wonderful!

colditz · 04/04/2011 21:14

how do you know it's a boy?

HerBeX · 04/04/2011 21:17

What's the point of giving him an ultimatum?

He'll just accept your terms and then go behind your back and you'll be back to square one.

Just dump him. Stop waiting for him to take the initiative, take back control.

He's an absolute shit. What on earth would you want him for anyway? Do you honestly think such an emotionally abusive person is goingt o be a good father to your child? He'll use the kid to control you.

Original poster
YummyMummyBella · 04/04/2011 21:23

Sorry just noticed I spelt ultimatum wrong!

Yes I have been thinking about the birth certificate, I def think I'm not going to include his name. As much as I know he'll love and cherish the baby it seems right now his main concerns are going out and flirting... He has and is being an utter f*uckwit and it doesn't matter what I say so I need to enforce some actions and focus on the baby for now. Perhaps I won't even say this is why I'm upset and give room for arguments, I'll just ignore him for a while and then hopefully I'll realise I don't need a useless draining pig like him. Right now he feels he's in control, I need to take it back. Just wish I wasn't so emotional! Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
YummyMummyBella · 04/04/2011 21:25

Colditz, I know its a boy as I had a private scan at 14 weeks and she was very clearly able to spot the necessary bits

OP posts:
PaigeTurner · 04/04/2011 21:42

Ugh just ignore him. I was in a similar situation, being messed around while pregnant and it was all a hundred times worse for being hormonal. Try and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and hopefully he'll stop being a dick when your son arrives.

zikes · 04/04/2011 21:49

So you've had 3 miscarriages with this man(?) and so have been ttc together: now you're pregnant, he's shocked and splits up with you, having already cheated on you? And now blows hot and cold, I daresay he comes on hot when you're feeling sorted and moving on, and cold when he's got you hooked again.

He's not bringing a lot to the table, apart from asshattery.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 22:56

I would never recommend not having the fathers name on the birth certificate, how do you think the child will feel in years to come when they ask for their full birth certificate only to find the fathers name blank?

Having a name on a birth certificate does not give them automatic rights, unless you are married they have no rights in a court of law.

BitOfFun · 04/04/2011 23:07

That's not true, Fabbychic. After December 2003, if a father is named on the birth certificate, he automatically has parental responsibility.

HopeEternal · 04/04/2011 23:13

Information on Parental Responsibility for fathers who are not married to the child's mother is available here:

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/ParentsRights/DG_4002954

PeterAndreForPM · 04/04/2011 23:16

Don't give him an ultimatum

Just dump the useless twat and enjoy the rest of your pg and new baby without his juvenile mind games to distract you

Just give a cheery wave and send him on his way to the marvellous single lifestyle he clearly reckons he is entitled to

you can't make him commit to you, if he won't when you are expecting his child, he never, ever will

bristolcities · 04/04/2011 23:36

Empower your self. I have been in a similar position and not being in control when you have a baby is horrible.

You need to decide what you want. If you do want to be with him taking the control back might be just the thing that makes him realise he can't have his cake and eat it and he commit. My exp did. You have nothing to lose!

Good luck. X

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 05/04/2011 00:57

ANother vote for dumping him, you don't need to be worrying about feeding his ego when you are growing a baby and need to take care of yourself.
He may turn into an adequate co-parent after the baby arrives and it's possible to have an amicable co-parent relationship with someone who is a lousy partner but in the mean time don't rely on him for anything, be polite but cool with him - you don't have to see him at all until after the birth if you don't want to.

Original poster
YummyMummyBella · 05/04/2011 09:11

All of your advise has really given me the courage and strength to finally believe that the way he's treating me is not right. He def thinks he can have his cake and eat it... Comes to me when he's feeling bored and lonely when there are no girls for him, but pushes me away when he feels like it.

I'm going to take a look at the direct gov website, thanks Hope.

X

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 05/04/2011 09:13

good luck bella x

zikes · 05/04/2011 09:23

An asshat is not an accessory anyone needs Smile. Good luck moving on.

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