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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner wont have sex!

28 replies

Youngmum7 · 04/04/2011 15:58

I have been with my partner for 2 years, we have no children together but I have a 4 year old from a previous relationship, we get along great together and are all lovey dovey and all that nonsense but my partner has a really low sex drive, so low that it is practically non existent! Is this quite common and is anyone else in a similar situation that could give me advice on how to cope without falling out with him, I'm only 23 and don't want to give up on my sex life just yet!

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 04/04/2011 16:03

Has it changed since you met him
Or has he always been this way?

BenignNeglect · 04/04/2011 16:08

If it is generally low - does it pick up if you go on holiday together? Is he working too hard, making him too tired?

Original poster

Youngmum7 · 04/04/2011 16:15

He's always been this way, even in previous relationships (I've known him since I was 17), it doesn't pick up if we go on holiday or anything like that no, he is in 4th year at uni and is working very hard just now which is why right now it is non existent but generally when he has little stress his drive is still very low and it is usually me initiating anything

OP posts:

dalek · 04/04/2011 16:22

I hate to say this but you are only 23 and you don't want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you are going to have sex.

I should probably have namechanged for this but here goes. Before DH and I were married there would be periods were he would go off sex or it wouldn't happen unless I instigated it. This has continued into our marriage and I hate it. I love him very much but I get very down about it. It makes me feel undesireable and and undesired. He says he just doesn't feel like it.

I hate to say it because alot of other things in our marriage are great and he is a great father but I do wish that I had married someone who had a higher sex drive. You cannot imagine how many times I have sat with girlfriends while they moan about their partners always wanting sex - I die a little inside as I think of all the times I have tried to instigate sex and get turned down.

It's not like that the whole time but I do often wonder when we'll next have sex. I am 43 and don't think that should be the case. We seem to be in a "dry" patch at the moment - him coming to bed after I've gone to sleep - it feels to me that he's avoiding sex.

If you're not too involved I would say try and find someone else - to me sex is such a large part of a loving and intimate relationship.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 16:24

Youngmum, have you talked to him about how you feel? If so, how did he react?

Monty27 · 04/04/2011 16:36

YM - I agree with Dalek. My last relationship had a practically non-existent sex life and it was killing my self confidence not to mention the feeling of rejection and undesirability. I tried to tell myself I could live with it and managed to suppress my own needs, but it proved very difficult and the relationship finally ended due to that and other issues. I've just met someone else and I can't believe what I was missing to be honest, and I now feel as slight anger about having put it with my previous partner's beheaviour for so long (years). I'm also in my 40's.

Monty27 · 04/04/2011 16:37

up with

Original poster

Youngmum7 · 04/04/2011 16:38

I was worried someone would say that dalek as I have worried about how I would feel if it never changed, I get jealous too when friends moan about their partners/husbands pestering them and wished I had the same problem as them! But the rest of the relationship is great and despite this one aspect I've never been happier in a relationship than I am now and thought I was being selfish or overreacting by placing so much importance on this one thing as everything else between us is great.

SpringchickenGoldBrass yes I've talked to him before and he knows how I feel about it and blames stress or being too tired and does say he'll try more but the problem never really changes, I know he feels bad/guilty about it too and it must put a huge dent in his self esteem. He admits himself that he needs help and wants to have a higher drive but wont speak to a doctor or anyone else about it understandably as his pride gets in the way.

OP posts:

dalek · 04/04/2011 16:44

Only you can know how important it is to you - and relationships are about compromise on both sides - but from my experience, and it is only my experience, it is unlikely change.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

dalek · 04/04/2011 16:46

Oh and if you saw us outside the bedroom you'd think we were a it like rabbits - he's always touching me, hugging me and sometimes fondling me - but it doesn't go any further

inspireddance · 04/04/2011 18:02

If everything else is perfect then you have to decide how important sex is.

I'm a similar age, in a similar situation, as soon as DP got a full time job, sex drive dropped. After some long months of soul searching, I decided that fantastic sex every couple of months, was better than sex just for the sake of it. The rest of the relationship is perfect, and it works for us. Not saying it will work for everyone though, as some posters have said, they regretted it.

I would say you need to stop pestering, it only makes things worse, and you feel worse because your being rejected. Just let things take their course.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/04/2011 10:03

OK, so he;s doing nothing to address the problem. That means that he sees it as your problem and is waiting for you to stop moaning and resign yourself to a sexless life.
To refuse sex and refuse to consider any kind of compromise, or to fob a partner off with promises, is selfish. Just as selfish as constant pestering for sex and refusing to listen to any of a reluctant partner's suggestions as to what would make him/her more inclined to have sex more often.
Sex is more important to some people than to others, and it's not wrong to want a lot of sex any more than it's wrong to want to avoid it most of the time. It's wrong to expect your partner to let you have your own way when your partner is miserable: you need to discuss the issue and work out a compromise (which can incude staying together but the high libido partner having NSA sex elsewhere), or separate.

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 14:23

what springy said

this man isn't being fair to you

at 23 (and 33, 43, 53, 63, 73 and beyond) you should be having a healthy sex life

this isn't a healthy sex life because one half of it is being made to feel like shit

it isn't your responsibility to hang on and hope things will change with a person who has no intention of changing the status quo

see how his "pride" copes when you eventually get your head turned by some hot bloke who fancies the arse off you and isn't afraid to prove it physically

if he was willing to seek help, I would say you have a chance

if not....you will be on MN in 5 years time wailing that you had an affair (and I wouldn't blame you)

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/04/2011 14:26

Have you thought about sex therapy together if the relationship is worth saving in your opinion?

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 15:00

tonde, OP's partner has refused any outsider help

sweetpea2petals · 06/04/2011 17:48

just wanted to say, i know how this feels, don't know how i can help but really feel for you :(

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 06/04/2011 18:29

Ah sorry - missed that PAFP

pjmama · 06/04/2011 19:53

You just have to answer one question. Are you happy with your relationship to be the way it is now for the rest of your life? Because this is very likely just who he is and it will not change. Please don't waste years hoping that he'll suddenly discover his libido and everything will be alright.

kdub1 · 06/04/2011 20:11

i have this prob too, and it wasnt til i read springchickengoldbranches post that i realised how selfish my oh is being. i just dont no what to do about the matter. im in the same boat as youngmum7. :( :(

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 22:35

I am sorry to hear that, kd

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 06/04/2011 23:29

Kdub1: how easy would it be for you to dump this partner? Are we talking years of marriage and several DC together, or someone you've only been seeing for a while and who you don't have any DC with? If it's the latter, dump and move on.
If it's the former, then it's worth giving him one last chance but with a time limit of say, three months if he is a great partner in other ways (does his share round the house, good with DC, fair about the household money etc). If he still doesn't do anything to address the issue, then your options are either resigning yourself to a sex-free life, deciding that you can cope with a few discreet NSA arrangements outside the relationship, or walking away.

ihatecbeebies · 08/04/2011 12:02

Thanks for all the advice. I'm sorry to hear your in a similar situation kdub1, are you going to try and speak to oh?

I think what I'm going to do is wait until he's finished with uni and starts his new job, which will only be a matter of weeks, so everything is really settled for him and then I'll approach the subject again, explain how important it is for me and that I want things to change and find out what would make him more inclined to get in the mood and then try and spend more time going out just the two of us rather than going out with friends etc and see how things progress from there, if they still don't progress and he still won't try help from anywhere else (thats a really good idea TondelayoSchwarzkop and I'll mention that to him too) then we'd need to talk about maybe separating as its not fair if he won't even try and address the issue and instead just expect me to be happy with it.

(I've changed my name too from youngmum7 to Ihatecbeebies lol incase there is confusion sorry!)

Nesbo · 08/04/2011 12:14

There seems to be a lot less tolerance for men with low sex drives than women. I can't remember many threads where a woman who wants less sex than her husband has been met with "he should dump you". I wonder why that is.

ihatecbeebies · 08/04/2011 13:24

I've known a few of my male friends that have had to separate from their partners as their sex life was non existent also. If someone is miserable with an aspect of a relationship and the partner is completely unwilling to compromise or at least try and address a problem then that is different, I'm not saying my partner has a low sex drive so I'm just going to dump him, I am saying that he won't do anything about it, even trying to speak about it results in an argument and I feel like he wont even meet me halfway and try different ways to improve the situation.

SunRaysthruClouds · 08/04/2011 13:39

OP you sound like you have a mature approach to this but I wonder if a male perspective might help here a little.

I got married at 22 (now 47) to the first woman I had ever been with. Sex was always sporadic even just after marriage and before children, and I always found it very frustrating. From my viewpoint it always seemed my DW had zero interest. On the rare occasions we talked it was a fairly ?standard? conversation that many others would have had ? she said I should make more effort to be romantic and get her interested, I thought that she never seemed interested even if I did try. As time went on I just couldn?t be bothered to try any more, and when I suggested talking about the kind of things she might enjoy to make it better she refused to talk at all.
I believe it is major contributing factor to the fact we separated 10 months ago after 25 years. From that many other issues built up and eventually caused her to leave.

But what amazed me was that about a month after she left she said she never felt ?desired?. I found that really hard to understand, but assume that I never really approached it the right way. But I suspect she thought I had no interest when that couldn?t have been further from the truth.

I have met someone else who is only too happy to talk about anything in our sex life and it makes things so much better.

The main point from all of this (forgive me for unloading) is that communication is absolutely critical. It was really difficult for me and exDW to communicate over this and I am convinced that had we been able to talk like adults (starting at 22 and even up to this age) and met somewhere in the middle, we might have still been (reasonably happily) married.

The thing to remember is that there is nothing to lose by talking reasonably and everything to gain. And nothing will change of its own accord, unless external factors are having an effect. And your DP needs to know that.
I agree that you should reconsider your relationship if you are willing to try to work it out with him and he is not, and also if you do talk and it turns out you are not compatible then you should end it, and not ?hope for the best? because that won?t happen, IME.

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