Sharing the kids ...

[SmallStepsInTheRightDirection]

I am a few months down the road of separation and still in the process of sorting the financial stuff etc etc. I would appreciate some advice on sharing the kids with xp. They are both early teenagers and see their father once or twice a week for a few hours. Things have been okay. However, after years of me having to sort everything out and now he's started asking to have them over the holidays etc.

I know I need to encourage them to have a good relationship with their father.

I know many people on here would be grateful for the offer of active participation.

But why do I feel so resentful and jealous of facilitating any further time with him?? And how can I get over this to manage the situation in the best way for the dcs?

see it as time off for yourself?

you're resentful because you've brought them up this far and now he gets the best of them,playing 'holiday' dad and getting none of the stress.....just seeing them at their best

Thanks, yes of course. Doesn't make it any less painful at the moment, but helps to keep it in perspective! Anyone care to share experiences of the best way through??

Or perhaps this is just very self-indulgent of me ...

I think it may help to think about this being the children's right to have both parents - rather than your ex. Anyone who has had this situation knows it's hard but it's important to feel secure in your relationship with the children.
Him spending time with the children is not giving to him, but giving to your children. If you think of it like that then you can't feel resentful.

If they went on holiday what would you do? Do you work? Have a partner etc. Best to have a plan, something that you might look forward to..even if it's just having lie ins. Got to say I really enjoyed my previous child free breaks, missed my dd, but t was good for me. I learned to be 'me' again rather than a parent. Its all good prep for when the children are older and going to Uni.

Also there is a payoff when the children are older - my dd knows I was unselfish about her having a relationship with her father. She tells people that she wasn't harmed by our split. I'm so proud of that..to have raised an child to adulthood who feels happy with her childhood despite her parents split. Can't beat that feeling!

As your children are teenagers shouldn't they have a say in when they will see their father, bearing in mind they may have arrangements for half terms?

Smum - that really is something to be proud of. Good for you, I aspire to that!
Fabby - yes they are on the cusp of increasingly independant lives and so far we have been managing pretty well negotiating around various commitments and preferences.
Reading your comments makes me realise that my reaction is more to his manipulative communication than anything else.
Yes, obviously I need to get over myself and trust that my relationship with them is good enough to weather any potential emotional manipulation.
Thanks!

I've been there too, SmallSteps. In my case, Dad also has lots more money than I do, so provided fancy holidays abroad, expensive gadgets, etc etc. He's rather controlling, financially and otherwise, & I often had to grit my teeth to avoid arguments or bad-talking him to our DSs. But after a few years just about all those little bumps were ironed out.
My DSs are now in their 20s, happy, healthy, and have good relationships with both of us. I think they appreciate the effort we both made to be civil for their benefit, and the different strengths we both have. My DS2 for instance would come to me for advice or occasionally would ask me for a little bit of cash (he's still a student) to make me feel I can provide financially as well.
Ran into their dad the other day and we spent a very pleasant hour indulging in mutual boasting about what great DSs we have. So it has worked out well for everyone.
You sound very self-aware and very conscious of the need to put your DCs first, and they will understand and benefit from that in the long run. Good luck.