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Original poster

Is it wrong to want to be put first in a relationship?

22 replies

ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:04

Help advice neede please,i have been with new partner for about a year and a half, i have son from previous relationship, he is a very caring and loving man, but i do not feel like i come first, and i think for this relationship to work long term i think i should should'nt i? a few examples are christmas dinner he spent with his family i was not invited, he said he would only have dinner there then leave, but he did'nt as not to offend his family, don't think he conciderd that it may offend me,
i have my own home he still lives with his parents, he has decided he wants a motorbike, he alreday has van and car, i think this a little selfish thought getting a home together would be his priority.
I have had previous failed relationships and i know that they have affected the way i think about this one,and do not want him to feel if i bring up the subject that i am going on, moaning at him, i just want it to work for my little boy and myself, should i bring the subject up or just plod along with it playing on my mind? Thankyou for any advice given

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 10:12

It sounds as if you need to have a talk. His priorities seem to be different to yours. I'm not sure I'd be rushing into buying a house together to be honest. Or getting married... At the moment you own your own home and you and your little boy have some security.

Fallingstars · 04/04/2011 10:17

Hi Ilikeshoes

Wanting to spend Christmas with your Boyfriend of a year and a half and being very upset when you are not invited to do so is not 'Moaning'. You have every right to be upset/furious. After a year and a half I don't think it should be considered that you would be doing ANYTHING else but spending Christmas together.

This is going to sound really harsh and I don't mean to upset you but I think you need to look long and hard at the messages this man is sending you. He doesn't care about spending Christmas with you and wants to buy a motorbike when you want to move in together. You are on completely different wavelengths in every respect. Can I ask how old this man is who is still living with his parents? Has he always lived at home? It is jumping off the page that this man in a bit of an immature mummy/daddys boy to be perfectly honest. You say he is a 'caring and loving man' but surely a caring and loving man does not leave his GF of a year and a half alone on Christmas day??

You mention that you have had other failed relationships, if that is the case then it should make you even more resolved to accept nothing but the best treatment from any man who comes into your life. Yes you could just 'Plod along' feeling hurt and resentful but what will that achieve? Surely you deserve more than that?
Things will still work for you and your little boy regardless of whether your BF is in your life or not. You sound like a strong woman and you have your own home (which is more than your BF does). You are in the position of power not him and do not let yourself believe anything else!

The way people treat us sends all the signals we need to know about how they feel about us. If he isin't putting you first in his life it is because he doesn't think of you as coming first in his life and are you really willing to settle for that?
Don't mean to sound harsh, I know how bloody awful it all is, best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:19

I don't want to rush into buying a home or getting married the thought of it quite scary, just would like to think that thats what he wants in the future, and that my son and i are his priority, we have spoke about what we both want and he say's he wants to live together and get married, just don't quite know how to get a man to put me first without sounding selfish.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 10:23

Id be concerned that a grown man still lives with his parents. Maybe he does not feel ready to move out, I mean he has the best of both worlds doesn't he, being at home with parents, saving money, assuming he works what he does with that is up to him.

Have you talked about living together?

Fallingstars · 04/04/2011 10:24

You can't MAKE a man put you first Ilikeshoes, either he does or he doesn't and if he isin't then theres not a blind things you can do about it.
Well actually yes there is, you can decided to not settle for anything less that someone who puts you first. Easier said than done I know but you must try for your own self respect. It is not 'selfish' to want to be put first in the life of the person you love and any man who makes you feel like you are selfish for asking that isin't worth the hassle.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:25

fallingstars you don't sound harsh i no exactly where you are coming from, i suppose the thought of having another failed relationship is hard for me to comprehend although i know deep down that i would be fine as after other relationships,i just don't want to give up on this one as everything else is very good we do not argue we get on so well he is lovely with my son his family are lovely he makes me happy, just not in this aspect,he is young only 22 i am 30, is he just being selfish/thoughtless or does this really mean he does not respect me or think enough of me to put me first? should i bring the subject up?

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:29

Fabbychick He does work has own buisness, he wants to save to build a house and that's why he says he does not want to rush into moving in together, he does have the best of both world's though most men do don't they.

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 04/04/2011 10:29

There is no way he's going to marry you if your not even invited to christmas dinner with his family, do you think if the family don't want you around at christmas that they want you marrying their 'boy'.
Sorry but this guy sounds like he's spinning you a line, if my family did not invite my partner at christmas, I wouldn't be there! It does sound a bit if a strange situation tbh.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 10:32

I don't wish to be mean but he sounds too young, it's no wonder he is still living at home. During your twenties you are one person but when you reach 30 you kinda grow up and become someone totally different.

I would be concerned that the age difference would cause problems in the future.

madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 10:34

I think that relationships where there is an age gap of more than 5 years can definitely work, but only if both partners are at the same level of maturity regardless of their actual age.

When I was reading your OP and I was imagining a guy in his late twenties who was being selfish and immature I was thinking that he sounded out of order.

But when you say he's 22 it makes a bit more sense. That's not to say it's ok to be selfish and immature forever, but when you're young that's the time to get all of that behaviour out of your system - buy a motorbike, go travelling with your mates, etc. I wouldn't advise a 22 year old to settle down and I think that basically you and him are just at different stages of life right now and you're not going to get the commitment that you want from him.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:35

Lookingfoxy it was at his aunties house, i know and sence that they feel the age gap and the fact that i have a son not as they would like for their nephew,he was invited to mine and i feel like you do i would'nt go without him, his imediate family mom dad brother sister are lovely though and regular mention us getting married, his mom asked if i would like more children as she would like more grandchildren so this is'nt the case, i really are not looking for marriage at the moment anyway, the issue is me wanting to be put first and the fact that i feel like i don't is reflection of immaturity on his half or that he just does not feel strongly enough for me.

OP posts:
Fallingstars · 04/04/2011 10:36

I can empathise with you so much I likeshoes. My BF is 6 years younger than me (25) and was only 21 when we met. If you have seen my thread on 'How do you help someone with a drinking problem?' then you will see our life together is not precisely wine and roses at the minute.

I am starting to think myself that my BF is too young (I am nearly 31 now) and that I have been kidding myself for 4 and a half years that he wasen't. 22 is VERY young, especially these days where men seem to be encouraged to think of themselves as children until they are about 35 for some bloody reason.

He is talking about motorbikes and not inviting you to xmas dinner because emotionally he is immature. Some 22 year olds can be very grown up of course but it doesn't sound that way with your guy sorry to say. That's not meaning to run him down at all as I'm sure he's a sweetie. He isin't been purposefully selfish he is just young!

You need to decided if his immaturity is a deal breaker for you or not, you have 2 choices. Wait for him to grown up eventually or look for someone more mature. Stopping him doing the things he wants to do (like getting a motorbike etc) will only breed resentment which will be awful for both of you.

You would not be giving up if you called it a day.What if you didn't and you stayed together another 4 years and then still broke up? That is where me and my BF are headed and it is breaking my heart. I would hate to see anyone else go down the same path.

Gosh that was long, sorry if you have died of boredom!

Earlybird · 04/04/2011 10:36

When I saw the title of your post, I thought your message would be about a man with dc from a previous relationship (who took priority over you), not a man who prioritises his parents!

Have you ever met his parents? If not, why? If so, what is your relationship like with them?

What is the time frame for the two of you to live together?

Presumably he is working/earning if he is contemplating buying a motorbike?

By the way - discussing a concern with your partner is not moaning.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:41

Believe it or not the age gap really is not an issue for me, he is very mature in every other aspect of his life, and when i think back to when i was 20 i would of married and stayed with my partner if he had'nt of cheated on me, he has holidayd with his mates as i do with mine, we go out regularly the realtionship a thousand times better than all previous ones, just want to be put first that's all, regardless of age, in my experience men are either immature or not, they don't really mature with age.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 10:51

Early bird,parents are lovely could no wish for better we are all going on holiday together, he has own buisness, havent discussed time frame i am not really like that quite a chilld person,
Fallinstars it is tough is'nt it? the fact is we are perfect he is mature perhaps not as mature as me but i just don't think men are generally anyway regardless of age, i think because the relationship is so much better than previous you make excuses for their behaviour dont you, the thing is i don't want to stop him doing anything including having abike i just think he should get his priorities right maybe get abike in th future save for house first, i have sacrfised enough, i am going on holiday with my friends without him and he sees his freinds regularly too,i don't want to be with anyone else i want him he genuinly makes me happy apart from this issue.x

OP posts:
Earlybird · 04/04/2011 11:13

Did he give you any explanation of why you weren't invited to Christmas dinner, or did he just inform you of his plans?

Is your own family in the picture? Maybe he thought you'd be with them?

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 11:18

I think he felt awkward about it, he has very wealthy aunt and uncle who have the whole family around every year for christmas dinner, i know he felt torn as not to offend me or them but when it came down to it he chose not to offend them, he was invited to my families for dinner as my family would not invite one half of a couple, the issue i have is, is he just being thoughtless or does he really not consider me to be his priority, i do not want to stop him doing anything or having anything just want him to get his priorities right, i feel guilty for some reason for wanting to be put first but i need to be or it will just play on my mind and i will be misserable, no man has ever put me first and it makes me sad

OP posts:
Earlybird · 04/04/2011 11:24

Have you met his Aunt? Maybe he felt unable to include you/your ds at an event that was not being hosted by his direct family?

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 11:32

Yeah this probably was the case but he could of gone there for dinner and then met me, he said before he went that he would just go for dinner then come to my families but he did'nt, i have met his aunt and uncle numerous times they are lovely, they did not invite me to the uncles birthday meal though but thay invited him, he did'nt go on that occasion though because he had to work.I f my family member invited me without him i wouldnt go i would not want to offend him and i would explain this to my family.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 11:36

It's not wrong to want to be put first in a relationship. You are entitled to ask him that he prioritises you and your son. BUT I think at the moment he is simply too young and too immature to be able to give you what you need right now.

So either you wait for him to grow up or you go and find someone else who is able to treat you how you want to be treated now.

Original poster
ilikeshoes · 04/04/2011 11:47

madonnawhore your right, i just think at the moment i could go and meet someone else my own age or older as i have before and they be more immature than my current partner, i will have a chat to him

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 11:56

I know age doesn't necessarily = maturity. If this guy was 28/29/30 I'd be saying he ought to grow up and be a man. But I kind of feel like at 22 years old it's to be expected that your DP is going to be a bit selfish and clueless about being in a relationship. That's how I was at 22. Now I'm 31 I'm a completely different person in terms of how I have relationships.

I don't mean this the way it's going to sound when you see it written down but I wonder why he's with you if he wants to be selfish? Maybe it's worked so far because you've let him get away with it until now? What does he think about your relationship? Have you asked him?

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